Archive for April, 2014

April 27, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 04/24/14

To Love In The Biblical Sense.

Stand aside adherents of a Jesus/Mary Magdalene marriage. He may not have been married at all. At least not to Mary, that much maligned biblical figure.

Quite possibly he was in love with his young disciple John.  Ya know, blond, blue eyes, nine inches.

The Bible explicitly says Jesus while on the cross that he “saw his mother and the disciple he loved standing near” and he said “’Woman behold your son.’ Then said to his disciple, ‘Behold your mother.’ And from that hour the disciple took her into his home.”

Convincing? Well, maybe not.

As for me, I like the Jesus/Mary marriage scenario. It’s much more dramatic and writers can give their plots many more twists employing miracles such as changing water into wine at his very own wedding celebration.

(Wish he would’ve come to my wedding.  Ended up paying through the nose for the cheapest wine I could find.

hoover dam

Water into wine??? What a wonderful world it could be. Where is God when you really need Him? (Hoover Dam on the Colorado River).

***

North Carolina Descending.

Prehistoric lifeforms have come to dominate police departments across the length and breadth of the land from the oceans to the praries. We all heard of or seen videos of rampant police use of excessive force and frequently even brutality.

Here is one from North Carolina where an irate police officer seized the phones of witnesses recording an arrest event.

From this incident and the many others that have occurred, a question surfaces: Are police reverting to previous lifeforms because of a genetic disorder or did they just skip an evolutionary step?

We report; you decide.

***

So, What’s Wrong With Being A Slave.

Cliven Bundy said this week that he believes Sean Hannity is a slave.

Hannity,” he said, “is such a suck up to Roger Ailes and Fox News that the only explanation must be that he has sold his soul and is now in bondage to Ailes and that thar network.”

And the thing of it is,” Bundy continued, “he’s a white man. Now ever’body knows no white man has been a slave since the Eyetalians ran that big whatchamacallit empire way back when.”

Bundy, whose cows have been grazing on government property for years and who now owes the Federales about a million dollars give or take, could soon become a jailbird if he doesn’t wise up. And doing some hard time is no tale of slavery.

After making his anti-Hannity statements, however, Bundy lost the support of the Fox News slave who quickly performed a voltafaccia saying he really didn’t support the cowpoke after all. He just sympathized with him because he was a victim of Government Gone Wild.

hannity

  Sean Hannity does yet another turnabout. Which way is up?

I thought Alan Greenspan was the biggest asshole in the universe,” Hannity was overheard to say. “Then this schmuck comes along.”

Anyways, if events unfold the way liberals hope they wiil, Hannity will be given his freedom by Fox News and be a slave no more.

***

Speaking of Alan Greenspan.

In his book Griftopia, Matt Taibbi referred to Sir Alan of Bubbleshire as THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE UNIVERSE.

No argument there. Taibbi was referring to the bubbles, tech and housing, of which Sir Alan, inspired by the dark cult of Randian belief, was the main architect.  Sir Alan, however, has a lot of company in his anal world.

alan

Sir Alan of Bubbleshire mangling the King’s English before the House Financial Services Committee.

Also responsible for the near collapse of the planet’s economy are such dimming lights as former president Bill Clinton, his Treasury secretary Bob Rubin and smirky face former senator Phil Gramm.

These four horseman of the Apocalypse of 2008 played a major and devious role in trashing FDR’s Glass-Steagall Act and the New Deal reforms that separated commercial and investment banking.

Their notorious behavior resulted in the passage of two destructive acts with the Orwellian titles: The Financial Services Modernization Act and The Commodity Futures Modernization Act.

Note the word “modernization.” It’s in the title for a purpose. Mainly, to bamboozle Americans into believing that the existing financial system was old fashioned. And the scam concocted by these charlatans worked. Both pieces of pernicious legislation passed with the support of bipartisan majorities.

The despicable conduct of these four quacks eventually cost millions of homeowners several trillion dollars of lost wealth and thrust the US economy into a long term recession that continues to this day.

Not to worry, though. Each of the frauds got rich – to the tune of tens of millions of dollars apiece and more.

***

Free Speech And “Born Agains” At Uconn.

University of Connecticut officials reaffirmed their commitment to First Amendment rights of free speech in a statement of semi-support for a professor who beseeched students to accept Charles Darwin as their lord and savior.

At the same time, the Uconn statement acknowedged the right to speak freely even when the subject stemmed from profound ignorance as Christian preachers denounced evolution as a lie.

So the professor became irate when the preacher asked him if he believed he he was descended from monkeys. The professor vehemently denied the preachers posit saying, “no” he didn’t come from a line of monkeys’; he was descended from apes, an apparently significant distinction.

ape

Much like our forebears, most of us are still scratching out a living.  (Photo by Aaron Logan source).

Anyways, if that be the case, and apes have souls, then Darwin saves.

And so begins the movement of “born again” Darwinians.

***

A Lesser Political Light.

Conversation between the iPhone senator promoting a revolutionary new campaign method and a constituent who resides on top of Old Smokey.

Hello, Sen. Lamar Alexander calling. Is that you?

Uh, yes, senator. It’s me.

Oh, thank goodness.

I just wanted to remind you that the Republican Party wants to be the iPhone party and we want iPhone government. Our vision is to be like Apple and create wealth for all Americans same as Apple does.

Now you can invest your hard earned money, if you still have any, in Asian companies where all those dirty finger manual labor jobs were outsourced.

Become a client of the big Wall Street banks like Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan and your’re sure to get rich. Remember the banks are protected from losing money by your money, if you still have any.

Just like Apple we want to keep the high tech jobs here in America. That’s why we support the H1B visa program to bring highly educated foreigners who work for peanuts into this country. That’ll make you even more money, if you still have any.

And, by the way, I’ve introduced legislation that will provide government assistance to NASCAR.

alexander

That part “bout NASCAR oughter git ‘em.

So all you Repubs on top of Old Smokey and everywhere else in the Anti-Union State, charge the battery of your iPhone. Here come Lamar and the GOPers.

***

Limerick Lunacy.
 
A woman was dating three guys
She selected the one with blue eyes.
He lived in Sumatra
And just like Sinatra
A wink always won him the prize.
.
A fellow was out with the guys
Chasing gals and the ultimate prize.
He approached a fair maiden
With hopes to get laid in
An hour or two he’d surmise.
night out

Just another night out with the guys.

.
A gal was just one of the guys
With burger she had her french fries.
She downed them with beer
And said with a sneer
Complain and you’ll meet your demise.
 
bar

You’re messin’ with the wrong babe, bub.

 
 
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April 20, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 04/20/14

Rancher Fined.

The Environmental Protection Agency today levied a heavy fine against right wing rancher Cliven Bundy.

The EPA assessed the fine for what it said were uncontrolled toxic emissions.

According to a spokesman for the agency, the Bundy cattle herds grazing illegally on Federal property are emitting large quantities of methane on government owned land.

Methane, a  a highly flammable Greenhouse gas implicated in global warming, is said to be ten times more efficient at trapping atmospheric heat that carbon dioxide.

An attorney for the Bureau of Land Management stated that Bundy is not only guilty of breaking Federal law by refusing to pay the fee for allowing his cattle to graze on government property, but must now pay a fine for poisoning the atmosphere with bovine flatulence. According to the attorney, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, the measured emissions exceeded EPA standards of .015 cubic feet per acre by a factor of three.

cows

Danger.
Beware Of Cows.
Smoking Prohibited
(Photo: Paul Harrop)

In a statement to the media, the millionaire rancher expressed his outrage at the penalty.

How in hell am I supposed to keep a cow from farting,” he said.

***

Worldwide Explosion.

Due to a rapid accumulation of methane in the Earth’s atmosphere a worldwide explosion has occurred.

News organizations from East Asia are reporting a rapidly spreading ball of fire that could engulf the entire planet in a matter of just a few minutes.

According to latest reports, seismologists located the epicenter of the blast at a point in China not far from the Great Wall.

Photographs from a geosynchronous satellite identified the source as a Chinese farmer who lit up a cigarette while standing in the middle of a herd of cows.

The fire ball is now spreading rapidly from that point and is expanding in all directions across the globe.

A statement from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon is expected shortly.

Predictions are that the atmospheric conflagration will reach UN headquarters in New York City within the next few minutes.

Assistant UN Secretary Kum Boom-soon, who spoke with reporters, said: “Hory shit! Cow fart brow up pranet!

no smoking

According to reports from first responders at the scene of the crisis, the main body of the explosion occurred tens of thousands of feet in the Earth’s atmosphere and damage on the surface is said to be minimal.

The blast, which is dissipating as methane is depleted by fire, did however consume large quantities of oxygen and the elderly and persons with respiratory problems are advised to remain indoors for the next several years.

This story is developing.  Details will be reported as information becomes available.

From the Unreliable Press Worldwide newsroom.  UPW News, surpassing the mainstream media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/farting-cows-blow-barn-build-methane-article-1.1594986

***

Good News For The Kiddies.

Hey kids, here’s some really good news. And spread the word to parents and teachers and adults of every stripe.

It’s okay to lie! Not only that, but lying is approved by none other than President Barack Obama himself.

You see, lying falls under the guidelines of First Amendment speech protections.

Now here’s the skinny. The US Solicitor General, the person who argues Federal government cases before the Supreme Court, and who is now one Donald B. Varilli, Jr,, presented the Feds case before that semi-illustrious body of jurists, stating explicitly that it’s okay for a politician to lie like a son of a bitch when he’s campaigning for office even if the lying son of a bitch happens to be the president himself when seeking reelection.

Well, if it’s okay for the president of the United States to be a lying son of a bitch why shouldn’t it be just honky dory for everybody else to lie and get away with it as well. And that includes all you kids.

So the next time you’re out late getting laid, just tell your parents you were studying over at a friend’s house.

And don’t be shy about it. After all, you’re only exercising your First Amendment right to free speech.

Be cool though. Remember, your dad can still clean the carpet with your lyin’ ass.

carpet

 

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April 12, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 04/12/14

Adjunct Professors Wanted.

The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning has several positions open for experienced adjunct professors in the fields of Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry and the Social Sciences.

Candidates must have a Ph. D. in the relevant field as well as at least three years of teaching experience.

Classes will be assigned to adjuncts on an as needed basis.

Salary commensurate with experience.

Benefits include eligibility for food stamps and government subsidized rent and heating assistance.

Qualified candidates should submit resumes to:

Human Resources
The Sardo Institute
P.O. Box 555
Pasta Fagioli, Italy 55555 5555

http://adjunctsaurus.wordpress.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-fuller/a-moral-dilemma-for-acade_b_4734053.html

***

Only In America.

We are lending money we don’t have to kids who can’t pay it back to train them for jobs that no longer exist. That’s nuts. Mike Rowe.

It is, however, the American way, largely because that sort of craziness results in massive profits for the only people who really matter – the very tiny minority of the ultra rich.

***

Right Wing Shaves Bush.

After reading that perhaps as many as 80% of younger women shave, ya know, down there and hearing that right wing media gangbangers shaved Jeb Bush for his comments regarding immigration, I immediately thought something afoul was afoot.

But, alas, Jeb remains hirsute down there.

jeb bush

Jeb Bush trolling for votes by speaking out of the left side of his mouth, has perhaps forgotten the Nixon Shuffle, that is, when seeking the GOP presidential nomination run hard to the right and when campaigning for that high office turn and rush quickly to the center.

The bangers humped all over Bush for his appeal to the Repub Party to reverse, or at least moderate, their harsh position on immigrant status, which is something akin to “throw them the hell out.”

The former Florida governor expressed the view that the Party’s view just won’t cut it any more. This is, like, the 21st century. We don’t round people up and send them back to their masters countries in Dred Scott* fashion.

He was actually sympathetic about immigrants’ situations.

After all, when you’re hungry and your wife and kids are hungry and you have no money to buy food to feed them, you become desperate. So you come to America.

And now a days, you have to be pretty desperate to do that. But everybody’s gotta eat sometime.

So Bush said let’s give them a helping hand and let them stay.

And that’s when the bangers shaved him.

However, according to a leak from the Bush team, Jeb burned the circuits of his cell phone calling the Party’s payola masters and media propagandists to tell them to pay no attention to his words when he speaks. It’s all a campaign lie to hustler Hispanics into voting for him when he runs for president.

Once he’s in the Oval Office, he’ll screw a bunch of immigrants just like he’ll screw everybody else.

*Dred Scott v Sanford was the notorious Supreme Court case in which the Court ruled that slaves were not citizens and could not sue in Federal Court. Scott, the slave who resided in the slave free Wisconsin territory, sued his owner, John Sanford, for his freedom. Chief Justice Roger B. Taney’s name ever since has been infamously tied to the Court’s decision.

***

Wise Words.

If you can convince the lowliest white man that he’s better than the best colored man, he won’t notice you’re picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on and he’ll even empty his pockets for you. President Lyndon B. Johnson.

***

Ryan Running.

Paul Ryan is running for president. He hasn’t declared, but he might as well.

Taking a card from the marked deck of former President Richard Nixon, the Wisconsin pol is dashing hard to the right.

His plan is a right wing wet dream. It cuts trillions in aid for the hungry, the sick, health care for kids and college assistance for those who can least afford it.

It is a budget intended to impress right wing rich extremists who dole out campaign payola like drips of water falling off Niagara.

RYAN VULCAN

This media darling is still out ‘dere.

Now a budget that extreme, you would think, would sew up the cash no questions asked.

But wait. Not so fast. There are Republicans so far off the right wing deep end that they are claiming the Ryan budget doesn’t gut enough from the hungry, the sick and little kids.

So Ryan may now be left in limbo, with no suitable budget to impress rich donors.

Now this right wing Wisconsin extremist will have no choice but to go back to the drawing board and serve up yet another Path to Prosperity for Rich People. As if they need another path.

***

Krugman Praises Obamacare. Not So Fast.

Paul Krugman, Nobel laureate and New York Times columnist, has been praising the benefits of the Affordable Care Act for some time now.

But opinions such as Krugman’s, who is a tireless fighter for the underclasses, must be put into perspective.

The best anyone can say about Obamacare is that it’s better than what went before. But ii is a far cry from what could have and should have been: some form of a public option that eventually morphed into Medicare-for-all.

And for those Obamaphiles who believe the president took the easy way out because of GOP opposition, that’s just plain wrong.

The fact is Obama betrayed his supporters when he bailed on the campaign promise of a public option precisely when the Senate and the House were controlled by Democrats. Reconciliation, the process whereby budget legislation can pass in the Senate by a 51 vote majority, was well within the president’s grasp.

Instead, he sided with the 1%, a decision that crushed Democrats in the 2010 election, cost Nancy Pelosi her Speakership and made John Boehner and the Tea Party dominated House the bane of the American people.

***

No President Is As Powerful As the Institution He Governs.

There’s a plot in this country to enslave every man, woman and child. Before I leave this high and noble office, I intend to expose this plot. President John F. Kennedy, seven days before his assassination.

***

Campaign Cash Okay.

A spokesman for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told a high school group of sutdents from the Senator’s home state of Kentucky to “get lost.” The Senator was busy phoning donors to raise payola to finance his reelection campaign.

You see,” said the spokesman who was sipping on a tall glass of Senate lemonade, “one of the most important jobs the Senator has is to make sure he’s reelected so he can continue to serve the rubes from his states. And that means bugging the shit out of donors to send him some more cash.”

You see,” said the spokesman still sipping on a tall glass of Senate lemonade, “the Supreme Court, bless their little hearts, decided that payola isn’t corruption and the Senator isn’t a crook when he stuffs all that money into his pockets.”

john roberts

There have probably been bigger screw ups who sat on the Supreme Court as Chief Justice. Roger B. Taney of Dred Scott infamy and the all but forgotten Melville Fuller who gave the stamp of approval to “separate but equal” in Plessy v Ferguson, but Roberts is in the running for worst ever with his Court’s statements that campaign payola equals free speech.

But sometimes you just have to bug the shit out of rich people to get them to part with their cash. So the Senator calls them several times a week and promises, cross his heart, to vote on legislation exactly the way they tell him if only they’ll just send him some more money.”

Hell, the Senator will even let them write the damn legislation.”

You see, that’s the way the Senate works,” the spokesman continued.

Damn, this is one fine glass of lemonade. It’s the Senator’s favorite, don’t cha know”

.

Though the wealthy will publicly cheer
Very few will break out the beer.
They’ll stow the champagne
‘Cause every campaign
Will for sure want more cash so they fear.
.
The Supremies just said it’s okay.
To take cash and stuff it away.
It’s all just a game
And no one’s to blame.
So take the cash to help costs defray.
 
***
 
Limerick Lunacy.
.
A fellow got into a scrap
With a gal who gave him a slap.
She hit his shocked face
Then sprayed him with mace.
When he graced her backside tap, tap, tap.
.
A woman decided to scrap
A guy she couldn’t entrap
She grabbed up her rings
Among other things
While the guy took an afternoon nap.
.
When the gal decided to scrap
The guy who was taking a nap.
She packed up her things
And then took to wings
And thought, “Finally I’m out of the trap.”
 
***

The Case Of The Absent-Minded Surgeon.

No he didn’t leave a tool inside the patient; he forgot to take something out.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/oddnews/man-sues-hospital-and-doctor-after-they-allegedly-forgot-to-remove-his-appendix-during-his-appendectomy-205103325.html

 

So what’s wrong with fooling around.
It can help you to get unwound.
But this doc went too far
With a nurse in OR
And what happened next would astound.
absent minded 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The appendix this doc couldn’t find.
It appears the nurse blew his mind.
So he pulled up his britches
And sewed up the stitches
And left the appendage behind.

Article thanks to Mad Kane whose limericks can be found at her website.

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