Archive for April 20th, 2014

April 20, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 04/20/14

Rancher Fined.

The Environmental Protection Agency today levied a heavy fine against right wing rancher Cliven Bundy.

The EPA assessed the fine for what it said were uncontrolled toxic emissions.

According to a spokesman for the agency, the Bundy cattle herds grazing illegally on Federal property are emitting large quantities of methane on government owned land.

Methane, a  a highly flammable Greenhouse gas implicated in global warming, is said to be ten times more efficient at trapping atmospheric heat that carbon dioxide.

An attorney for the Bureau of Land Management stated that Bundy is not only guilty of breaking Federal law by refusing to pay the fee for allowing his cattle to graze on government property, but must now pay a fine for poisoning the atmosphere with bovine flatulence. According to the attorney, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, the measured emissions exceeded EPA standards of .015 cubic feet per acre by a factor of three.


Beware Of Cows.
Smoking Prohibited
(Photo: Paul Harrop)

In a statement to the media, the millionaire rancher expressed his outrage at the penalty.

How in hell am I supposed to keep a cow from farting,” he said.


Worldwide Explosion.

Due to a rapid accumulation of methane in the Earth’s atmosphere a worldwide explosion has occurred.

News organizations from East Asia are reporting a rapidly spreading ball of fire that could engulf the entire planet in a matter of just a few minutes.

According to latest reports, seismologists located the epicenter of the blast at a point in China not far from the Great Wall.

Photographs from a geosynchronous satellite identified the source as a Chinese farmer who lit up a cigarette while standing in the middle of a herd of cows.

The fire ball is now spreading rapidly from that point and is expanding in all directions across the globe.

A statement from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon is expected shortly.

Predictions are that the atmospheric conflagration will reach UN headquarters in New York City within the next few minutes.

Assistant UN Secretary Kum Boom-soon, who spoke with reporters, said: “Hory shit! Cow fart brow up pranet!

no smoking

According to reports from first responders at the scene of the crisis, the main body of the explosion occurred tens of thousands of feet in the Earth’s atmosphere and damage on the surface is said to be minimal.

The blast, which is dissipating as methane is depleted by fire, did however consume large quantities of oxygen and the elderly and persons with respiratory problems are advised to remain indoors for the next several years.

This story is developing.  Details will be reported as information becomes available.

From the Unreliable Press Worldwide newsroom.  UPW News, surpassing the mainstream media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.


Good News For The Kiddies.

Hey kids, here’s some really good news. And spread the word to parents and teachers and adults of every stripe.

It’s okay to lie! Not only that, but lying is approved by none other than President Barack Obama himself.

You see, lying falls under the guidelines of First Amendment speech protections.

Now here’s the skinny. The US Solicitor General, the person who argues Federal government cases before the Supreme Court, and who is now one Donald B. Varilli, Jr,, presented the Feds case before that semi-illustrious body of jurists, stating explicitly that it’s okay for a politician to lie like a son of a bitch when he’s campaigning for office even if the lying son of a bitch happens to be the president himself when seeking reelection.

Well, if it’s okay for the president of the United States to be a lying son of a bitch why shouldn’t it be just honky dory for everybody else to lie and get away with it as well. And that includes all you kids.

So the next time you’re out late getting laid, just tell your parents you were studying over at a friend’s house.

And don’t be shy about it. After all, you’re only exercising your First Amendment right to free speech.

Be cool though. Remember, your dad can still clean the carpet with your lyin’ ass.



Enhanced by Zemanta