Archive for ‘DON’T STEP IN IT!’

June 25, 2011


Is there anything worse than being up the creek without a paddle? How about no canoe?

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It is said that the meek will inherit the earth. They will do this because they are blessed The rich can’t of course inherit the earth. Even though they already own it. I suppose this is because they are neither meek nor blessed.

It seems to me there are a lot of poor people who are neither meek nor blessed as well. And people who are blessed but not meek. Or meek but not blessed. I’m not sure where I fit into this picture. In any case, I’m still waiting for my share.

Tomorrow doesn’t exist. If it did it would be today.

The difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow is that yesterday is gone, today is going and tomorrow is coming. It’s nothing to fret about though because tomorrow it starts all over again.

My lucky number is an eight digit figure. It’s so long I can’t remember it. I wish it were my salary. On the other hand, the way my luck has been running the number would contain a decimal point far to the left. That could be a dime with a whole lot of zeros after it

If a hog farm held a beauty contest would they call the winner The Pig Queen?

Have you noticed bad ideas never seem to work? Or that only other people ever get them?

Everyone has heard of a minimum balance. That’s something banks charge you for if you don’t have one. I often wonder how many things we get charged for that we don’t actually have.

When you’re young your world expands. You meet new people, develop friendships. As you grow older your world shrinks as people you know begin to die.

Jesus was born in AD 1. That of course was a fact he did not know. Some historians believe he was born anywhere from 7-2 BC. He didn’t know that either. Fortunately for him no one ever asked for his birth certificate.

People are making race jokes about Barack Obama. That’s because he knows nothing about NASCAR and that’s no joking matter.

The president should read a book. A good one is NASCAR For Idiots. He can get Michelle to help him with it.

Politics is defined as the art of quietly voting for a piece of legislation after a Congress critter has just laid a piece of ass lobbyist who paid him to vote for it in the first place. And if your the lobbyist would that act be considered a form of double taxation?

June 16, 2011


I’ve come up with a solution to the trade deficit. It’s so simple I don’t know why no one else has thought of it. Call it a stuff deficit. Since we have all the stuff, we win.

Ever wonder why people have to fix something in order to eat. I say why not eat first and fix something afterward.

And if people continue to fix something to eat, humanity will soon reach a point when there will be nothing left that’s broken. So if you have nothing to fix, can you still eat?

As for me, I like to old maxim: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Now why would anyone want to fix, say, a chicken. Chances are it’s already been killed and no matter what you do you can’t fix dead.

Would you call a bagel smothered in garlic and toasted a Texas Bagel?


A little pepperoni, some onions and peppers and maybe a little whipped gorgonzola – you couldn’t get better at Coney Island. 

My mother always told me to eat my vegetables. She said they were healthy. They weren’t healthy.  They were dead.

Ever notice how quickly the future comes and then it’s gone. But don’t worry, there’s another one coming. There! Did you see it?