Archive for ‘RANDOM MUSINGS’

February 19, 2012

Random Musings

Breaking News: Just off the wires of Unreliable Press Worldwide. An administration official announced today that Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup and Wells Fargo, four of the largest banks in the world, have engineered a leveraged buyout of the White House. The banks now officially own the most famous landmark in Washington and are planning to offer an IPO sometime within the next month. The initial offering will be set at $10,000.00 per share.

File:White House and the National Christmas Tree in Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2009.jpg

The owner of 1,000 shares will purchase the right to submit a lobbyist prepared piece of legislation to the president for his approval and submission to Congress for an up or down vote.

A billionaire hedge fund owner, who spoke under conditions of anonymity, remarked “I’ve been doing this all my life. Now I gotta pay for it.”

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Whatever is this world coming to? Mail order condoms for free. And to think I had to pay for them. Now that really pisses me off.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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Until we stop admiring and praising the wage slavers on Wall Street and in the corporations (and the anointed Steve Jobs was one of the slavers) there won’t be a real improvement in wages for the American worker. Need two thousand slavers to switch plastic to glass. One herd coming right up. Only takes a minute. Cheap too.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Only when the labor/management turmoil of the 20th century returns with the support of a least one of the existing political parties, will conditions for working people begin to improve. Until then the lot of the middle class will continue to deteriorate.

What will the US economy look like for the next 100 years.? My guess: About half of us will be doing OK – teetering on the edges of a middle class existence. The other half will be waiting on tables and cleaning up after.

File:Cookers in the White House kitchen.jpg

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Someone once said there is no such thing as a stupid question; only stupid answers. So if you’re a student, ask. Hopefully, you’ll get an intelligent answer. But I wouldn’t count on it.

***

Should we call Romney the “fallback” kid. MN, MO and now maybe even Michigan. Could these states be the Bain of his political life?

People who fire people aren’t the luckiest people in the world. At least not always. Rich maybe, but not lucky.

***

The payroll tax cut is a bad deal in more ways than one. First it isn’t funded and will contribute to the deficit. Adding SS to the nation’s debt, as this deal does, gives to SS haters yet another excuse to cut, gut and profitize the program for the benefit of Wall Street tyrannosaurs – those profit monsters who have been salivating at the idea of profitizing the program as yet another means of feeding their voracious greed.

Then it raises the suspicion that Obama is in on the profitizing scheme – he of the Cat Food Commission to cut the program and who has put the program on the surgical table in several failed negotiations with Republicans. – still supports cuts to Social Security. In any case, not funding the payroll tax cut makes the program more vulnerable to profitizing schemes regardless of who the next president is.

Moreover, the payroll cut is so small for many workers that some never realized they received a tax cut from Obama in the first place.

There were better ways to offer a cut – for example, a $200.00 check per quarter to all working people. At the very least, they would be aware of the fact that they received a cut.

An unfunded payroll tax cut could well open the floodgates to vast changes in the Social Security in the very near future. The 1% want to get their greedy hands on it and they may well succeed after the next election. A sure wet dream for a Wall Street T-Rex.

As for Obama, when he finally leaves the White House, how does president of the Peter G. Peterson Foundation with a multimillion dollar salary sound. If Obama continues to be a good little puppy he’s sure to receive a pat on the head from Peterson – who of course is the billionaire hedge fund operator and Hater in Chief of all safety net programs.

***

There is some truth to believing that the president acted in the best interests of the US economy when he signed the stimulus bill. But Obama naively tried to compromise with the GOP even when one of its leaders declared that his job was to make the president a one termer.

Obama should have demanded much more from Republicans, fought harder for his demands and, quite possibly, would have won a greater stimulus. And yes the recovery would be farther along than it is.

However, he badly miscalculated the resistance of the Republicans and received horrible economic advice from a handful of the advisers he appointed. Although the stimulus achieved a measure of success – several million jobs were created and millions more were saved – only about one third of the package went to actual job creation. About one third saved existing jobs. And the last portion was tossed away in meaningless tax cuts.

As for the advice from his Ivy League trained mentors, he may well yet pay a bitter price for their incompetence.

These high priced, hot shot economists were outfoxed by a clever little lady sitting unnoticed on the Senate’s Finance Committee. The lady of Maine, Sen. Olympia Snowe was principally responsible for whittling the bill down to make it minimally effective. It was her interminable haggling that now permits Republicans to claim the stimulus was a failure.

File:Collladna.jpg

The shrewd ladies of Maine. What a pair! Susan Collins with Snowe on the right.

In any case, Obama has shown beyond a shadow of doubt that he is not to be trusted. He’s a member of the 1% and wants desperately to move up the ladder to the .1%; who knows, if he plays his cards right, maybe even the.01%

Where do you fit into this picture: Election Day is Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2012. Be sure to get out and vote for Obama. Then fuck off.

***

Einstein once said something to the effect that faith was human but proof was a gift of God and, therefore it is derived from natural law. Perhaps to avoid controversy he ended his statement at that point.

But it has been clear for thousands of years that the faith of religion and the truth of natural law do not always coincide and often collide with devastating results.

File:Relativity-formula.png

The most famous equation in the world. And perhaps in the entire universe.

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Atheism is not a belief system as some claim. Therefore it is not a religion in any sense of the word. It is merely a statement that no god exists. Until the statement can be proven false, it must be true.

Proof of existence is a task of those who believe in a god and not of those who ask for the evidence.

***

Most Christians believe in the existence of a soul. It is this mythical spirit that supposedly is immortal and, upon the death of the body, will journey to a place called heaven where it will reside for eternity. The question I ask is: What does it do when it gets there?

Also, is it the task of atheists to prove that a soul does not exist?

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January 20, 2012

Random Musings

Judaism never had a “Hell.” Then along came the Christians and scared the shit outta everybody.

File:Anónimo - Inferno (ca. 1520).jpg

A depiction of Hell circa 1520, artist unknown.

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If Jesus were alive today he couldn’t cure cripples. He couldn’t cure the disabled. He couldn’t even cure the disadvantaged. He could only cure the physically challenged and, of course, the mentally challenged. The greedily challenged, however, are beyond the help of even the Almighty.

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We hear everyday that global warming is endangering the planet. Nothing could be further from the truth. The planet will do just fine. In fact in will remain intact and in orbit for billions of years, at least until the sun exhausts its supply of hydrogen and expands, thereby vaporizing everything between it and Mars.

So I wouldn’t worry about planet Earth for at least another five or six billion years.

File:Planet earth.jpeg

The question before us now is will the planet be able to support civilized life, human life at any level or life of any form whatsoever. We shall learn the answer to that question in short order.

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Marriage is a strange custom. Ever wonder why it exists and who invented it? Apparently women gained security when they limited a relationship to one male. And the male was always certain that any offspring that resulted from the relationship bore his genes. He was therefore induced to support the children and the woman who delivered them.

But why the ceremony? Today a wedding costs thousands of dollars, the vows exchanged are often meaningless and far too many males split and refuse to support the offspring; or at least must be compelled by force of law to provide for the children.

File:Martita hunt the brides of dracula (1).jpg

Who said all brides are beautiful??  Photo from the movie The Brides of Dracula is in the public domain.

While monogamy in primitive times may have provided security for a female and her offspring, marriage today seems far from an acceptable arrangement. And the wedding to boot often costs thousands of dollars (or millions if you’re a member of “society”).

I seem to recall that American slaves would consummate a marriage by jumping over a broom. What could be simpler than that? And the system probably worked as well, if not better, than some of today’s million dollar blowouts.

And at some point though some clever lawyer would undoubtedly declare that if a spouse jumped over the broom in the opposite direction he or she would be divorced. Now that’s what I call simple.

***

Did you know that York, the capital of Canada during the War of 1812, was invaded and burned by American forces?

With revenge firmly imbedded in their hearts for the burning of their capital, British troops invaded the United States and marched on Washington, DC.

The U.S. Capitol after the burning of Washingt...

Washington, DC after British forces set it ablaze. Image via Wikipedia

American irregulars, armed with muskets, defended the city. At the first sight of disciplined British troops marching toward the US defenses, the American defenders tucked tail and ran. Obviously they didn’t want any part of that shit.

The British army then entered the US capital and, in retaliation for the burning of York, set fire to the city and burned it to the ground.

Betcha your history teacher never told you that. Betcha he didn’t know it either.

***

There was a time when I was so broke I couldn’t afford to take my girl to a free movie.

Yes. There were free movies on campus. However, you were expected to buy a coke and popcorn to support the worthless cause that was showing the free movie.

We managed to find other things to do. Thankfully she was a good sport. We would sit in the Commons with friends, each with old Coke cups we had saved, fill them with water and listen to jukebox music the other kids played.

For a long while I thought of those moments and missed them. I often wondered if she did.

December 30, 2011

Random Musings

Stuff like this fascinates me. The universe keeps expanding. Yeah, that’s right. It keeps expanding. In all directions. At the same time. At incredible speeds. And the speed is increasing.

File:Universe expansion.png

The graphic depicts the expansion of the universe from the Big Bang. This work has been released into the public domain by its author, Fredrik at the English Wikipedia project

So the universe is expanding, every which way simultaneously and it’s always going faster and faster.

How is that possible?

Beats the shit outta me.

***

How do you remove bubble gum stuck in pubic hair?

You cut it out, that’s how.

Very carefully of course. If you’re a guy anything sharp that comes that close is a threat. Many of us have already been there. Personally, I didn’t like it.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? How did it get stuck there in the first place?

***

I never quite understood why Native Americans disliked being called Indians. Sure, there was s stigma attached to the word, mostly because of Hollywood cowboy movies. In the 21st century, however, that name should not be considered stigmatic at all.

Better yet, why not be called by the actual tribal name. Why not take pride in the fact that a great grandfather was a Comanche, or a Mescalero Apache. Or Sioux or Potawatomie.

File:Flag of the American Indian Movement.svg

The flag of the American Indian movement. (It has been released into the public domain).


The men of these tribes were strong, brave warrior hunters. They scratched out survival for themselves and their tribes for centuries under the harshest conditions.

Sure, they often measured their manhood in the number of white men’s scalps they took. So what. We should consider ourselves lucky that they didn’t take too many more or things might be different today.

But all of the scalps they took over the centuries probably don’t add up to a fraction of the lives white generals had butchered in a single day at the battle of Antietam or during many other blood soaked encounters during the Civil War – to say nothing of the mass murder of indigenous men, women and children committed by the White Man.

The Battle of Antietam, by Kurz & Allison, dep...

The Battle of Antietam, the bloodiest single day in American history.  Image via Wikipedia

So the Indians took some scalps, no doubt a cruel practice. But they were usually acting in self-defense. Certainly that’s no reason to condemn a whole race of people.

The only real problem the modern Indian has is that the white men write history. What this country needs is more good Indian historians who will write to reverse the cruel stigma associated with the Indian largely through TV and movies.

And what of the women? They displayed extraordinary courage and stamina, delivering and raising babies while living on the edge of starvation and death. Without these brave and loving mothers, the Indian surely would have passed into history unnoticed.

Incidentally, the word “Indian” apparently comes from the log or a letter written by Christopher Columbus who wrote that the men and women he found were people in Dios (in God) – which in Spanish or Italian or pig Latin became the word by which the natives in the newly discovered territories came to be called.

So I say, Indians, take pride in your tribal past. And if you’re a Kiowa, say so. Forget this “Native American” claptrap. After all, everyone born in America is a native American. Or, if you go back far enough, no one is.

If you’re a Cherokee, say so and with pride.

File:Jimmy Carter with "Iron Eyes" Cody, Cherokee Indian - NARA - 179013.tif

President Jimmy Carter with “Iron Eyes” Cody, Cherokee Indian.

How! Me Cherokee. White Man not be afraid. Indian make peace with White Man. Indian no take from White Man’s wagon train. Indian build casinos for that. Sell much firewater. Deal cards. Put little ball on spinning wheel. Indian make much wampum.

Indian go to White Man’s school. Get degree in finance. Indian invest. Make more wampum.

Indian own White Man’s Mercedes. Drive Lamborghini. Build brick teepee. 26 rooms. Heated swimming pool. White Man cook for Indian. Bring food to table.

White Man not be afraid. Indian make peace with White Man.

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Indian casinos reportedly earn in excess of 25 billion dollars a year in gross revenue. The tribes share up to 40% of the profits. I have no idea how the profits are distributed. But if the tribal chiefs – the 1% – grab the lion’s share, then the Indian has truly learned the White Man’s ways.

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Ever thought about what heaven would be like if God loves rich people and they get preferential treatment. If so, here’s an imaginary conversation between the Creator of the rich and George W. Bush at the pearly gates.

God, oh God. This is George.”

George? Oh yes, George. What are you doing way back there at the end of the line. You come on up here. Did you bring your ledger with you?”

Why yes, God. Here it is.”

Hmmm. Very nice, George. Why don’t you just step inside. We’ll discuss the particulars later. After I get rid of all these book reading poor people.”

Well, maybe not. But who can tell.

December 10, 2011

Random Musings

In the midst of an obesity epidemic, a restaurant chain has taken on the name “Fats.” Actually, it’s been around for a while. I often wonder if investors are beginning to regret the choice of name. Would they consider changing it to “Slim’s” or “Skinny’s”? Not sure I’d want to eat at a restaurant with that kind of moniker.

Anyway, food’s pretty good at FATS. And you can get a drink too.

Full disclosure. I don’t own a nickel’s worth of stock in FATS.

***

I’ve always been something of a smart ass. Not a bad ass smart ass. Just a, you know, smart ass.

Went to a diner once with some of my dorm mates. They knew what was coming when I ordered a half rack of rhino ribs with Congo sauce. A few snickers followed.

Without batting an eye, the waitress said: “Sorry, we’re out of rhino but you can have the Congo sauce on a giraffe dick.

Huge laughter all around. The waitress no doubt had been smart assed for years. After all, I’m not the only one in the world. But I learned then and there never to smart ass a waitress who worked in a college town.

***

Warning! The following article has graphic images and sexual content. So you won’t want to miss it.

If a fly got on a plane in New York that landed in Denver, what would the fly’s reaction be when it deplaned?

What the fuuuuuck?

What would the fly’s chances be of getting on a flight back to New York? I mean he’s only got a couple of weeks before he dies.

He’d do better to find a female Musca Domestica and start his own tribe. And that shouldn’t be a problem. Although females copulate only once, they’re really quite eager for male companionship.

English: Houseflies Musca domestica mating. Pi...

Image via Wikipedia

Two flies screwing around.  

(Photo by Muhammad Mahdi Karim).*


Well, I guess you can’t get much more graphic than that photo.

***

I have an idea for a new curriculum for athletes who just want to get the hell out of college and sign on to that big pro contract.

I call it Cake Baking. Now I don’t mean your ordinary Betty Crocker type cake – even though that’s part of the curriculum. I’m talkin’ big event kinda cakes. Like for birthdays and weddings and stuff.

The courses would consist of the following:

Bake-pan Cakes 101 – 3 credits

Two-Layer Cakes 102 – 3 credits

Three-Layer Cakes 103 – 3 credits (Prerequisite 102)

Frosting 104 – 3 credits

Decorating 105 – 5 credits (Includes Laboratory)

Thesis (Two semesters) – 6 credits (Minimum ten paragraphs. Tutoring available).

***

If the Indians had an opportunity to do so, would they really want to take back the country?

***

We’ve all seen bumper stickers displayed by proud parents proclaiming a child’s accomplishments in school.

But how about the kids who aren’t doing so well. I think they deserve a sticker once in a while too. So why not something like the following:

.

My son is a royal fuck up at Lincoln Middle School.

My daughter is an honor student in the boys’ locker room at Mortimer McTurd High School.

My son won the pot smoking contest at Murph the Surfs Charter School for Misfits.

.

You may already have some of your very own favorites.

***

I was in a movie theater once that was evacuated because of a bomb scare. The screen went dark, the lights came up and an announcement came over the speaker system: “Please leave the theater quickly and quietly.”

Police and firemen arrived with sirens blaring. They searched the theater for maybe ten, fifteen minutes, found nothing and declared the place safe to occupy and resume the movie. Sheepishly, everybody went back in.

Afterward, I thought, sure, the squads didn’t find a bomb. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t one there.

On the other hand, if someone wanted to blow up a theater, why would they phone in an advance warning. So a phoned in threat is almost always a prank. Almost.

***

The Bible tells us that the Israelites escaped bondage in Egypt by crossing the Red Sea over a path created by divinely parted waters. So far so good.

There were about a million of them, give or take, and they wandered in the desert for forty years – a situation that would normally give rise to a problem in logistics.

Not to worry. We’re talking God here and he had this whole adventure planned way in advance.

How do you feed a million people lost in a desert for forty years? Manna, that’s how.

Now manna probably isn’t what you thought it was. Actually it’s bird droppings. We’ve all seen bird droppings on a windshield. You may have even witnessed the actual splat from time to time. Not something to look forward to for dinner by any means.

However, to feed a million people with manna would require tens of millions of birds – enough to darken even the desert sky at noon – relieving themselves in a virtual perfect storm.

And this is the diet the Israelites gorged themselves on 24 – 7 – 365, breakfast, lunch and dinner, for forty years.

It always seemed to me that at some time early on Moses should have had a conversation with God about providing a little variety in the diet.

You know, like maybe roast chicken on the Sabbath once in a while. Or London broil, medium rare, seared around the edges.

In any case, stop with the bird shit already.

File:NSRW Quail.png

A quail, the bird that provided manna to the Israelites.

***

I once did a report on Revelation. Not on the writing itself. But on the controversy that surrounded its inclusion in The Bible. Many clerics believed the writings to be sacred and should be included in Holy Scripture. Others thought it was the bat shit crazy work of a tormented soul imprisoned by the Romans on a desolate island in the Aegean Sea.

As we all know the Holy Scripture bishops had their way and Revelation became sacred writings. In my report I sided with the Holy Scripture bishops only out of fear of being burned at the stake if I claimed the writings were indeed the bat shit crazy work of an angry rebel.

File:Burgkmair whore babylon color.jpg

The Whore of Babylon from the writings of John of Patmos as depicted by Hans Burgkmair (1473-1531). Scholars believe John intended the Whore to represent Rome.

I have since come to a greater appreciation of the work of John, the persecuted prisoner on Patmos. With the advent of computer animation and now 3-D, I’ve thought for some time Revelation would make a great movie. And now I wonder: Why didn’t I think of that? I coulda been rich.

*As always click the photo for the URL and full attribution.

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November 14, 2011

Random Musings

Rick Perry stands for three things. He can only remember two of them.

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Writing a 40 year mortgage at a reasonable interest rate would save numerous homes from foreclosure.

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One of the most morally hazardous groups in all of history – the banksters – are the ones who are raising the moral hazard issue. So much for the 40 year mortgage.

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The MIRVed U.S. Peacekeeper missile, with the ...

Billions of dollars well spent. Just think of all the multimillion dollar executive bonuses it created. Image via Wikipedia

The United States owns 11 aircraft carrier fleets whose combined worth is trillions of dollars. It has numerous submarines, both killer class and missile launchers whose combined worth is trillions of dollars. It possesses hundreds of ICBMs with MIRV hydrogen warheads worth trillions of dollars. It has intercontinental bombers with nuclear warheads worth trillions of dollars. It has fighter jets, tanks and an assortment of tactical nuclear devices worth trillions of dollars. And you think the government doesn’t know how to manage money!!!

Cruise missiles don’t grow on trees, ya know.

United States Trident II (D-5) missile underwa...

Can wipe out millions in a single launch. Wow! That should keep the terrorists away. Image via Wikipedia


***

For some guys – like Herman Cain – sticking your hand up a woman’s skirt isn’t really harassment.

Just havin’ a little fun, honey. No harm in that. And his wife doesn’t understand him.

Unfortunately for a lot of these hand stickers, history keeps repeating itself over and over again. So guys pay attention to history. If you want to avoid sticky situations, best stick to sticking your hand up your wife’s skirt. If she can stand it.

***

Some people think Fox Newsers are brainwashed. Actually a light rinse would be sufficient.

***

Posts that relate to sex on campus receive some of the largest responses. So I think in the future I’ll include something about sex on campus in all my posts. After all sex on campus exists everywhere – even off campus. It’s part of the facts of life. Bet your momma never told you about that. Bet she didn’t need to.

October 16, 2011

Random Musings – 10/16/11

The Republican health care plan: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

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Trickle down economics is a real Laffer  Trickle down doesn’t work.  The Randians had it wrong. They believed businessmen would act on behalf of the best interests of the businesses they were responsible for.  That idea has proven to be tragically false. The Randians ignored one aspect of human behavior that proved fatal to the misguided so-called philosophy.  Human beings will lie, cheat and steal to satisfy what is in some an insatiable greed.

Mike Wallace’s interview with Ayn Rand follows if you’re interested in viewing one of the failed philosophers rare TV appearances.  

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***

Can Republicans have more war and less spending? That’s exactly their goal. More war spending for the defense entitlement complex to gorge upon and then paying for it by destroying Social Security and Medicare. Unfortunately for the 99s, too many right wing Dems support the same program.

***

Chris Dodd making some excuses.

Newt Gingrich said Barney Frank and Chris Dodd belong in jail. As usual the Newtster fell wide of the mark. Yes, they and the rest of the mob we call government in this country belong in jail for accepting protection money from Wall Street execs. However, it is those nefarious evil doers who deserve to be the real jailbirds in this nation.

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Used to be businesses paid protection money to the mob. Now they pay it to elected officials and not only get protection. They get to write the protection they get.

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Banks pay huge amounts of protection money to their government goombahs. And they get what they pay for. They stay out of jail where they so deservedly belong.

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Perry raises Cain. Since the governor’s demise in the polls the godfather’s dough is rising.

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It is a tragic legacy of the human experience that if something is there for the taking, someone will take it.

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Rick Santorum‘s comment about gays “showering with people” raises two questions: Who are gays to shower with if not people; and are they not themselves people.

***

A girl I once new fired shot after shot from a sighted rifle and missed the target every time. I told her to make the target the mountain behind the piece of paper with all those silly circles. She got a perfect score.

Made her feel better though when I revealed that I once missed the broad side of a barn with a shotgun. I stumbled moving backward while clay shooting and accidentally pulled the trigger The shot landed about thirty feet in front on me and just to the right of the barn.

Fortunately no one was harmed. And on another positive note, nobody can ever again accuse me of not being able to hit the ground with a shotgun.

***

After prenatal ends, pre-dead begins. And after that??? Post alive???

***

It’s bad luck to let the flag touch the ground. It occurred to me that after January 20, 2001 thousands upon thousands must fallen out of the hands of flag pole attendants.

***

We get to change our rulers every few years through elections. But elections don’t define democracy. Communist countries held elections for decades. Dictatorships routinely manipulated elections to cast an air of legitimacy over their existence. In some of those elections two candidates would oppose each other for minor offices. Both however belonged to the same party and held very similar views. And when they entered office after victory they followed the dictates of the ruling class.

Can a similar situation result in a two party system? If, after being elected, the members of both parties exhibit submissiveness to a monied ruling elite, can a claim to democracy be upheld? No, of course not. Elections do not define democracy.

***

Professors, lawyers and politicians often claim we are a nation of laws. That statement is tripe. Nothing could be further from the truth. If we are anything at all, we are a nation whose elite spend billions of dollars a year on so called Philadelphia lawyers whose express purpose is to uncover methods to evade the law; who provide campaign boodle to officials at every level of government to manipulate the legislative process; and who through power, influence and money can simply ignore the law.

If the law is applied selectively, our nation can never claim to be a nation of laws.

***

Too few Americans realize that many illegal immigrants were forced to leave their countries to avoid starvation for themselves and their families largely due to rigged trade agreements such as NAFTA. These arrangements gave American corporations privileged status over small businessmen and farmers. Millions were forced to flee their native countries because of economic conditions that favored the rich – that 1% we hear so much about and who benefited immensely from the rigged agreements that demolished large segments of working class businesses and the jobs they provided. What else is new?

October 1, 2011

Random Musings

Everything you always wanted to know about your favorite TV show but were afraid to ask:

Did Beaver masturbate?

Did Little House On The Prairie have indoor plumbing?

What form of birth control did Kitty use during her twenty year affair with Marshall Dillon?

Did Edith and Archie have premarital sex?

With emotions suppressed how did Vulcans get laid? Did they want to?

***

Wall Street investment firms make money the old-fashioned way: They steal it.

***

George W. Bush has been much maligned for avoiding the draft during the Vietnam War. Instead he finagled a cushy job in the Texas Air National Guard. We should keep in mind however that during Bush’s service in that air defense unit not a single Viet Cong aircraft got past Houston.

Chalk up another “Mission Accomplished” for our “brave” former leader.

File:F-4C Arkansas ANG 1985.jpeg

The Arkansas Air National Guard with real pilots.

***

Here’s a sure fire business investment: Mama Corleone’s Bar and Urgent Care Center – We serve shots and treat them too. Open late. Walk-ins accepted.

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Ever wonder what happens to all the animal body parts after it’s been slaughtered and the prime meat is separated. We know what they do with goat’s gonads. There’s even a name for them. But what about the assholes?

How do you like your burger, Charlie?”

“Big Mac, anyone?”

***

Here’s a long muse but there’s some really good sex at the end. Don’t give it away.

Ever thought about pi. Well, you probably haven’t since arithmetic class in grade school and there’s really no reason why you should have. But pi is quite a remarkable number. It was discovered here on earth by a man named Euclid, a Greek mathematician who is credited with developing Euclidean geometry.

The number itself – 3.1419264…to infinity – is the relationship of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

What does that mean? For one thing, if you measure a diameter of twenty feet and multiply that number by pi you can calculate the circumference and know that it must be 62.84 feet.

Still not of much use in everyday life. But think of this. Someone on another planet in a place far, far away has discovered the very same relationship of circumference to diameter. To communicate with that creature in some meaningful way it would be necessary only to draw a circle with a diameter and write the number for pi. The creature would understand the meaning immediately. He would then transpose his numbering system over ours and be able to calculate mathematical formulas using our Arabic numerals

That brings us to another simple mathematical device known as the Pythagorean theorem which as we all know describes the relationship of two sides of a right triangle to the hypotenuse (actually the sum of the area of the squares formed by sides a and b equals the area of a square formed by the sides of c). The relationship is expressed mathematically as a2 + b2 = c2. Again by using a simple drawing with dimensions, this time of squares adjacent to the sides of a right triangle, an intelligent creature on a far away planet would learn our numbering system.

File:Cupcake aliens.jpg

A truly frightening photo of an alien life form from Planet X. (Courtesy of Tama Leaver).


Math gives us a fascinating and useful way to communicate with an alien creature, something we here on earth have been eager to do for decades. The underlying assumption is that this creature – and it seems as though one must surely exist somewhere – is peace loving. Or if not it matters little since the distances of the universe are so vast that he could not reach us to do harm in any case.

An assumption indeed. For if he is not peace loving and can land on this planet – well, I wouldn’t sweat a terrorist attack.

***

Oh, about that sex I promised you. You just got screwed.

September 25, 2011

Random Musings

Random Musings:  Sometimes a waste of time. But not always.

From time to time I muse randomly. I imagine everybody does. But for some reason my musings get stuck in my brain until I write them down somewhere or record them on an old mini recorder – you know the kind, it still has a tape.

Well, anyway, when you’re in the mood to read someone else’s thoughts of no real consequence, you can meander over here and suffer through some of mine.

Be glad to read some of yours by the way.

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The Thinker by Rodin.

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Republicans want to destroy Social Security and create an alternative profit retirement system. No doubt such a profit program would cause a collective Wall Street orgasm heard round the world.

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Have you noticed that corporate goombahs in Congress practice an artful form of propaganda that would make Joe Stalin proud. Maybe even put him to shame.

For example, legislation intended to curb the financial crimes of Wall Street was referred to as reform. Also, during its long journey through the gauntlet called Congress, the health care law was repeatedly referred to as reform. And when members of that notorious body put forth ideas to dismantle Social Security and destroy Medicare, what word do they use to describe their subterfuge. Yep, that’s right. They’re going to reform the programs.

That brings to mind two of the great propaganda campaigns of the late twentieth century. The Dr. Jekyll of diabolical legislation Phil Gramm created two of the most monstrous pieces of pernicious legislation in American history.

What sneaky word did this master of monsters use to describe the laws? Why modernization of course. Here are the perverse titles of the two laws most responsible for causing the current meltdown of the U.S. economy: The Financial Services Modernization Act and the Commodity Futures Modernization Act.

As we all know, Bill Clinton, one of the worst presidents of the second half of the twentieth century (NAFTA was one of his other tragic blunders) signed into law these two Gramm nurtured monsters at the behest of a couple of Wall Street consiglieries, the Treasury secretaries Robert Rubin and Larry Summers.

But who could resist when the gist of the laws was modernization.

So when you hear the words reform and modernization regurgitated by Congressional goombahs, you can be pretty certain you’re being flimflamed once again.

By the way, goombah may be Italian slang for crony but you don’t have to be Italian to be chummy with corporations and their lobbyists.

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There’s a book out entitled The World’s Stupidest Politicians. It occurred to me that this subject is one with unlimited source material. (If you’re interested in reading it the authors are B. Karg and R. Sutherland).

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You’re getting old if you remember that swipe meant steal.

Have you ever dialed a phone number? Most people alive today have never done so.

Do you remember phone booths? If you do it’s probably from a Superman movie.

Olivetti and Smith-Corona once made typewriters and adding machines.

The old supermarket refrain – paper or plastic – is long gone. The paper shopping bag has passed into history.

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A brown paper shopping bag.

Do you remember drive-in movies. Or when petting meant fooling around in the back seat of a car. And when heavy petting was a more passionate form of just plain old petting. When getting to first base wasn’t a baseball term. Nor was scoring big.

By the way drive-ins were once called passion pits – for obvious reasons. Some time in the 80’s they began to vanish and became shopping malls.

***

Now just about everyone has run into this nonsense: Thank you for calling Bullshit Corporation. How may I direct your call?

I’ve always wanted to reply: “You may direct it straight up your boss’s ass.”

Alas, I missed my chance. If I said it now I’d be speaking into a voice mail recording. Just wouldn’t bring the same satisfaction.

There’s a reason for that little ditty by the way. First it is supposed to make the customer calling Bullshit Corp. grateful that the company is grateful for the call?

Second it eliminates unproductive chatter by the operator so she can get back to work stuffing envelopes at the switchboard. Basically, the direct your call question means hurry up and tell me what the fuck it is you’re calling about you so I can get you out of my hair and return to stuffing all these goddamn envelopes.

It’s hard to believe that companies actually paid management consulting groups hundreds of thousands of dollars to come up with such nonsense. No doubt the owner of the consulting firm was the CEO’s brother-in-law.

***

I’ve always believed that hard work trumps IQ – as does laziness. To wit, a person of modest intelligence can achieve much through hard work. On there other hand, an exceptionally bright person who is lazy can fail. Of course the truly bright who work hard are the creators who advance the cause of civilization one inch at a time. And last but not least there are the dull witted and lazy who achieve through the good fortune of birthright. Some recent presidents bring to mind individuals in the latter group.

***

Want to end the dispute over closing Gitmo? Let’s employ that sneaky Congressional method we mentioned above and apply the time tested method of propaganda by changing a few words to make the Gitmo experience sound more pleasant.

In the future, prisoners will be referred to as guests. Chow delivered on metal platters through small openings in the guests cages will be called room service. And the cages themselves will become suites.

So if you wanted to call a cousin who is a guest at Gitmo, you might hear something like this:

Thank you for calling Guantanamo Hotel Resort and Conference Center, Jewel of the Caribbean. How may I direct your call?

The prisoner in cage 46, please.”

You mean the guest in suite 46? One moment please.”

Hey, if Congress bullshits us everyday, why not give the Marines an equal opportunity.

***

On that word changing train of thought, have you ever wondered what happened to swamps. You never here about them anymore. Have they suddenly vanished from the face of the earth?

Uh, no they haven’t vanished. They’ve become wetlands. Gotta admit that sounds a lot better than swamp.

How about jungles? Where have all the jungles gone? Disappeared? Wrong again. They are now rain forests.

***

Well, I’ve just wasted another perfectly good hour. One nice thing about rain on the weekend: No yard work. Of course, if you’re down at the beach….

August 5, 2011

RANDOM MUSINGS 3

We’ve all been asked the question “What do you do for a living?” Have you ever wanted to answer “None of your goddam business.” Or you might want to be a little creative and say “I bag cow shit and sell it for cooking fuel.” Or I test animal urine for use in ladies perfume. Or I’m a gonadotologist. And if someone asks “What the fuck it that? You say: I shave hair off of porn stars’ balls. Or I’m a curator in a penis museum. No explanation needed there.

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Do you think size mattered to a female brontosaurus?

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Doctors, lawyers and accountants all have shingles hanging if front of their offices. Schmucks don’t. There’s a reason for this.

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Which brings to mind an age old question: Which is worse a putz or a schmuck?

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Why was the gynecologist unemployed? He couldn’t find an opening.

OK. That was an easy one. This next one is a little harder.

Why was the procologist out of work? He was squeezed out.

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Why is it whenever you step in dog shit you don’t smell it till you’re halfway across the living room carpet.

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Spam is the Internet equivalent of the door to door salesman.

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Step right up and buy your ticket to a seat in the Oval Office. Auction starts here today. Starting bid is $35,000. 35, 35, 35 dollar bid, dollar bid, Do I hear 36,36, 36, 36 dollar bid, Would you give me 37, 37 dollar bid, dollar bid do I hear 38.

***

Some Tea Party Republican extremists are planning an anti-porn movement. A futile exercise of course but a good way to pick up political points particularly among fundie Christians. But as you might imagine, they’re not stopping there. They also want to ban all forms of premarital sex including sex on college campuses. Good luck.

But as you can imagine, they’re not stopping there. They also want to ban some forms of sex between married persons. No one has come forward yet with an idea on how to police such banned behavior. Maybe they’ll rely on the honor system.

To be absolutely sure they get it right the first time, staff members of these erstwhile Congress critters are collecting porn movies, magazines and books with dirty pictures so they’ll be able to know pornography when they see it. Actually, I just made that last part up.

***

The American people will support a strong president who’s wrong. (Bush)

They won’t support a weak president who’s right. (Carter)

They will reject a weak president who’s wrong. (Obama)

And the guy doesn’t have a clue.

July 10, 2011

RANDOM MUSINGS – 2

Knew a woman who became pregnant four times while she was on the pill. She once remarked that if she ever saw another hard on she would smack it with a hammer. She was a nice lady, very attractive and had four beautiful kids whom she adored. But I guess there’s a limit to everything.

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The Future.

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I was once a fisherman. Not any more. I finally decided that the thrill of catching a fish wasn’t worth the hassle of trying.

I recall opening days of fishing season when the Fish and Game Commission released millions of trout into the rivers of the state. Sounds like an easy catch; until you realized that the banks of the river – both sides – were packed elbow to elbow with fisherman as far as the eye could see. Kinda detracts from the peace and quiet and solitude that’s supposed to accompany fishing in a favorite spot.

When I finally got to that favorite place in the sparkling waters of Pennsylvania’s Lehigh River all the fish were caught and gone. It happened so quickly the trout didn’t even have a chance to spawn.

*

I am convinced flies can identify a flyswatter and know its mean purpose. We have all been annoyed by a fly. But when we have reached the limit of our endurance and rise to retrieve the executioner’s deadly instrument, the fly vanishes. At this point I become the great white hunter. At least as far as the fly is concerned. Occasionally the hunt is successful and I bag my quarry. But mostly not. So I keep the swatter in hand and for the most part the fly stays away.

Then I begin to wonder. How annoyed is the fly. All he wants to do is land on some soft warm skin and catch a breather. Then a monster of unimaginable proportions reaches for a death dealing device and begins swatting with totally uncalled for fury.

I’ve acquired a grudging respect for the little insect.  If the fly weren’t so fast he be executed in an instant. But he keeps getting away.  Perhaps he also knows that from this executioner there is no reprieve, no benefit of trial.  Death comes swiftly. Not even prisoners at Guantanamo are treated that harshly.

Then I began thinking.  Suppose the roles were reversed and the fly became the executioner.  I guess we should all be grateful there are no such things as human swatters for flies. You know what they say about payback.  Humanity could become extinct in just one summer.

*

At some point in the future there’s no more future.

*

I once saw a bumper sticker that read “Bumper Sticker”. I guess we’ve all seen that bumper sticker at one time or another. But have you ever seen a book of free verse with a price sticker? I have.

*

You’ve heard people say time and again “children are our future”. Kind of self evident really. Even the Neanderthals knew that. Or we might not be here. And they didn’t have to write five hundred page tomes to convince themselves.

*

To lower the deficit economists are devising new ways to calculate inflation. So I’ve come up with my own method of deficit reduction. Instead of using the Consumer Price Index to figure COLAs for Social Security recipients I would use the Fauna-Flora Inflation Index. It works like this. If you can’t afford to buy steak and buy chopped meat instead, since chopped meat costs less than steak, the rate of inflation declines. And if you can’t afford chopped meat and eat Bowwow Vittles in its place, inflation decreases even more. Can’t afford lettuce. Go out to the front lawn and cut some dandelion leaves. That results in zero inflation. And you realize an additional benefit: you don’t have to cut the damn lawn as often. Saves on gasoline purchases too.

*

I was never a hunter. I just never saw any benefit or fun in getting up early in the morning and sitting in a cold, damp forest and hoping some animal would pass across my gun sight. I also realized that of all the hundreds of thousands of hunters who trekked into the woodlands of the nation to feed their hungry families only a tiny handful ever returned with a kill.

Fortunately for those who came back empty handed, a wife was waiting patiently at home, fire in the hearth, meatloaf dinner on the table. And if it weren’t for those long-suffering, forbearing women, half the damn hunters of the world would surely starve to death.

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*

I was never a hunter. But I was a downhill skier. I saw the fun in waking at 6 AM on winter weekends and venturing out into the morning cold – temperatures as low as 28 degrees – below zero. Then confining my feet into walk impeding boots and locking myself into steel bindings. For some inexplicable reason there is a thrill in charging down a snow covered mountain at breakneck speed on two flat strips of plastic-metal composite. I did this at times when I was in pain, suffering from assorted aches, sprains, bumps, bruises and cuts. God that was fun.

*

My wife and I were married by a Justice of the Peace. Shortly before the ceremony the judge approached and said: “You know this comes with a guarantee, right”. I said: “You mean I can get my money back.” He said: “That’s right. But it’s only good for thirty days”

*

1. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/38/HumanNewborn.JPG.  Photo by Ernst F.

2. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Skiing_picture.jpg.  Photo by Tilmandralle.

July 3, 2011

RANDOM MUSINGS

The Republican Deficit – $10.5 Trillion

The Democratic Deficit – $ 4.2 Trillion

And these rapscallions have Obama’s Fruit of the Looms twisted in a knot.

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If God is a theory, the Bible is a fable.

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When times are hard some people will rob convenience stores to survive. Other people think that’s what they’re there for and it’s their right to do so.

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Notice anything unusual about that last sentence.

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Why is it that the plural of oat is oats but the plural of wheat is wheat. It is possible therefore to have one oat; but you can never have one wheat. Just saying.

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A picture of three wheats.

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It is of course impossible to be two places at one time. So why is it when you meet someone you haven’t seen in a while and ask where they’ve been they will say something like “Oh, here and there.” Sounds like a brush off doesn’t it? And maybe that’s why you haven’t seen them in a while in the first place.