Archive for ‘SEX ON CAMPUS’

May 18, 2012

Sex On Campus

Daily Kos has published excerpts from the Liberty University manual that outlines acceptable student behavior.  Things like you can’t get laid on campus even if you’re screwing a member of the opposite sex are forbidden.  Actually, you can’t get laid off campus either.  Students are permitted to hold hands however.  I’m presuming same sex holding hands is prohibited.

File:Bonderson Farm crib barn and cow shed.JPG

A photo of a chapel at a small religious institution.

The dress code forbids female students from wearing skirts whose hemlines reach above the knee.

Now it’s been a long time since I’ve been in college.  But while I was there, I did learn a thing or two.  One of my observations regarded skirts.  What I discovered was that skirts with hemlines above the knee are tighter and usually more difficult to raise while skirts with hemlines below the knee are looser and raise in a jiffy.

Panties slip off quite easily in either case.

Given the strict rules about hemlines at Liberty, I’m assuming the ladies don’t simply undress but have to be coaxed just a little bit – as they did back in the day – before they would allow their beaus that delightful access. So I’m sure the guys at Liberty have discovered this peculiar phenomenon about tight and loose skirts all by themselves.

Actually, if two consenting adults are engaging in safe sex it’s nobody’s business but their own regardless of whomever is wearing the skirt.

Daily Kos

Read the article at Daily Kos: Liberty University’s “The Liberty Way” exposed

***

Officials at The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning have been receiving criticism from local residents after portions of The Institute’s Code of Behavior for Students were published in the student newspaper on the campus located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  The Code was published to encourage students from others universities to transfer to the Sardo Institute.

Students who would like to transfer can fill out an application and send it along with the $300.00 application fee to:

Admissions:  The Sardo Institute
                          PO Box 555 55 55
                          Pasta Fagioli, Italy
                          Cash only please.
 

A summary of the Code of Behavior follows.

Article I of the Code states that the only acceptable position when engaging in sexual relations is the man on top and the woman beneath him.  The newspaper insisted that this Article represented a 20th view of man Tarzan, woman Jane attitude.

Officials pointed out however that article XI of the Code permitted role playing and role switching and this rule allowed the woman to assume the Tarzan role and get on top of the male Jane.

Article II states that sex is only permitted between a man and a woman or any combination thereof.

Group sex is strictly limited to weekends.

Sex in motor vehicles of any kind is prohibited.  That’s what dormitories are for.

Sex in the library is forbidden unless performed in a discreet manner so as not to disturb other students who may be engaged in the same activity.

Female students must adhere to a strict dress code.  Skirt hemlines, for example, must reach at least twelve inches above the knee.  Shorter are skirts are permitted; panties are optional and bras are frowned upon.

Single piece bathing suits may not be worn in swimming pool areas.  They are, however, suitable classroom attire.

Article LXVIII forbids oral sex.  The next article permits it provided it is performed with at least one consenting adult partner.

Farting on campus is strictly forbidden, but especially in the library between the bookshelves.  Unless, of course, you’re a dinosaur.  Dinosaurs can fart wherever they want.

Actual FOX News Headline: “Dinosaurs May Have Farted Themselves to Extinction.” Enough Said | BuzzFlash.org

File:Triceratops tyrannosaurus.jpg
December 8, 2011

Sex On Campus

I have always had an eye for the ladies. But to my everlasting regret, not much more. My success with the fair sex has been, shall we say, modest, at best.

English: Barbara Wiedemann reading from Half-L...

Poetry was never my thing. But I learned early in college life that it could be a path to other pursuits. Image via Wikipedia

Whatever success I have had, I attribute to two things. First is the ability to overcome the fear of approaching a woman that every young man seems to have, and asking her for a date. The fear of course is one of rejection, that you will be turned down.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was never bold or courageous. So, number two, I simply assumed failure from the outset and proceeded because chances were I would get turned down anyway, so what the hell.

The astonishing thing is that I actually succeeded a few times and managed to get dates and even a few relationships.

Well, after being dumped by my first semester squeeze for a member of the goddam swimming team, I had a desperate need to hookup – and with just about anyone.

We were in second semester chem lab together and I was charmed in an instant. After some banter we decided to partner (small school, not enough equipment, two to a Bunsen burner, that sort of thing).

Our first date was going smoothly – she was gabby and I always responded well enough. We ended up at a C- rated diner and she ordered fish and a baked potato. It came with a sprig of parsley.

Always one with a quip, I blurted out “Do you know the difference between parsley and pussy?”

This is a curly leaved parsley plant (the comm...

The flavorful but seldom eaten parsley plant. Image via Wikipedia

Uh-oh. Dead silence.

There was no way to recover from this fiasco so I just followed through: “Nobody ever eats parsley.”

Not a good joke to tell on a first date. I was thankful she didn’t shove it down my throat – the parsley that is.

And worse, we were lab partners on Tuesday. I was sure she’d dump me.

Sounds like a disaster, huh? Well, I learned the next day from my roommate who dated a girl from the same dorm that the joke flashed through the building like fire in a parched cornfield.

In lab class, she invited me to a poetry reading the girls in her dorm were having that Saturday – the one and only poetry reading I’ve ever attended.

Between poems, the girls told some jokes. And when they came to the parsley quip, there was a roaring laugh and I just knew everyone was looking at me. I’m glad my pants were zipped. I checked.

Things worked out well for us until summer when I got dumped for good. She was a counselor in a girl’s camp with a boy’s camp nearby. She met one of the counselors and I was history.

I consoled myself with the idea that he probably told her a dirtier joke than I did.

Now that may sound like sour grapes. But I’ve been growing a vineyard for decades.

***

Johnny Mathis saved my day.

English: Dwight McCann, http://dwightmccann.co...

Image via Wikipedia

I had two tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert on a Saturday night. I broke up with my girl the Tuesday before.

Knowing she would never break the iceberg that had formed between us and that I would have to make the first move if I didn’t want to waste two perfectly good tickets to a Johnny Mathis concert, I walked over to her dorm and asked several girls if they would make my presence known.

I waited for quite a while but engaged in conversations with a few of the girls who were coming and going. Gee, did they not have dates to the concert and would any of them consider going with me? At least I wouldn’t waste the tickets and who knows what could develop after that.

I guess my girl decided she made me wait long enough. She came into the foyer, took my hand and said: “Let’s go to the Seller’s movie.”

I have no doubt it was Johnny Mathis who saved the day.

***

A girl once told me that if they gave a Nobel Prize for smart asses I’d be the first winner.

I said why shouldn’t they give one to smart asses. They give one to economists don’t they?

Incredibly, they still do.

November 14, 2011

Random Musings

Rick Perry stands for three things. He can only remember two of them.

***

Writing a 40 year mortgage at a reasonable interest rate would save numerous homes from foreclosure.

***

One of the most morally hazardous groups in all of history – the banksters – are the ones who are raising the moral hazard issue. So much for the 40 year mortgage.

***

The MIRVed U.S. Peacekeeper missile, with the ...

Billions of dollars well spent. Just think of all the multimillion dollar executive bonuses it created. Image via Wikipedia

The United States owns 11 aircraft carrier fleets whose combined worth is trillions of dollars. It has numerous submarines, both killer class and missile launchers whose combined worth is trillions of dollars. It possesses hundreds of ICBMs with MIRV hydrogen warheads worth trillions of dollars. It has intercontinental bombers with nuclear warheads worth trillions of dollars. It has fighter jets, tanks and an assortment of tactical nuclear devices worth trillions of dollars. And you think the government doesn’t know how to manage money!!!

Cruise missiles don’t grow on trees, ya know.

United States Trident II (D-5) missile underwa...

Can wipe out millions in a single launch. Wow! That should keep the terrorists away. Image via Wikipedia


***

For some guys – like Herman Cain – sticking your hand up a woman’s skirt isn’t really harassment.

Just havin’ a little fun, honey. No harm in that. And his wife doesn’t understand him.

Unfortunately for a lot of these hand stickers, history keeps repeating itself over and over again. So guys pay attention to history. If you want to avoid sticky situations, best stick to sticking your hand up your wife’s skirt. If she can stand it.

***

Some people think Fox Newsers are brainwashed. Actually a light rinse would be sufficient.

***

Posts that relate to sex on campus receive some of the largest responses. So I think in the future I’ll include something about sex on campus in all my posts. After all sex on campus exists everywhere – even off campus. It’s part of the facts of life. Bet your momma never told you about that. Bet she didn’t need to.

August 20, 2011

Sex On Campus

It’s been so long since I’ve been to school that back then “sex on campus” meant fill in the blank with M or F.  I may be old-fashioned but as far as I know those are still the only two choices available.  But who can tell?

File:US Navy 081204-N-8273J-055 Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Gary Roughead cheers with the U.S. Naval Academy cheerleaders during a pep rally at the Pentagon .jpg

Sex on campus has come a long way, baby. The female sex that is. These ladies were not only cheerleaders at Annapolis. They are beautiful and bright and are now serving as officers in the United States Navy. The guy in front is some admiral.  

Times have changed no doubt.  I’ve often warned my son to bring along an umbrella if he thinks it might rain.

I gave him some extra cash so he would stop at a CVS on his way back to school.

Yes. The ladies can take a pill but why trust the gods. They are not only fickle; they love to play tricks.

Not only can the ladies take a pill; so can the professors. Not the same pill of course.

The only difference between sex on campus today and sex on campus back then is that back then a “relationship” usually required a relationship. Everything else was the same.

Everything I know about a woman’s body I first learned from a book. It came in a plain brown wrapper. That’s how you could tell it was a sex book.

You had to be twenty one years old to order it. And you had to sign on a dotted line stating that you were twenty one. I was fifteen.

I worked, earned money and had a savings account. I sent a money order; they sent the book.

The book had sketches of, ya know, those things.

I read the book together with a girl who lived across the street. We lost our innocence that summer.

Tell you a really deep, dark secret. Because I worked in a supermarket and got to know the guy who stocked the drug shelves, I was able to buy umbrellas from him.

Now we weren’t frightened at all about disease back then.  But we were deathly afraid of getting a girl pregnant.  And the girl was even more afraid. For one thing, if it happened you had to get married.  It was the decent thing to do.  Not just for the two individuals involved, but for the baby.

Most people believe the sexual revolution was born in the sixties.  And the barn door certainly opened wide during that decade. For some of us, especially the girls, that was still the time of “if my parents knew they’d kill me”. But the door was blown off in the seventies, the everything goes decade.     

Yet if you’re like me, the time you remember most is the first time. And it wasn’t even on campus.

August 5, 2011

RANDOM MUSINGS 3

We’ve all been asked the question “What do you do for a living?” Have you ever wanted to answer “None of your goddam business.” Or you might want to be a little creative and say “I bag cow shit and sell it for cooking fuel.” Or I test animal urine for use in ladies perfume. Or I’m a gonadotologist. And if someone asks “What the fuck it that? You say: I shave hair off of porn stars’ balls. Or I’m a curator in a penis museum. No explanation needed there.

***

File:Pasta-Brontosaurus.jpg

***

Do you think size mattered to a female brontosaurus?

***

Doctors, lawyers and accountants all have shingles hanging if front of their offices. Schmucks don’t. There’s a reason for this.

***

Which brings to mind an age old question: Which is worse a putz or a schmuck?

***

Why was the gynecologist unemployed? He couldn’t find an opening.

OK. That was an easy one. This next one is a little harder.

Why was the procologist out of work? He was squeezed out.

***

Why is it whenever you step in dog shit you don’t smell it till you’re halfway across the living room carpet.

***

Spam is the Internet equivalent of the door to door salesman.

***

Step right up and buy your ticket to a seat in the Oval Office. Auction starts here today. Starting bid is $35,000. 35, 35, 35 dollar bid, dollar bid, Do I hear 36,36, 36, 36 dollar bid, Would you give me 37, 37 dollar bid, dollar bid do I hear 38.

***

Some Tea Party Republican extremists are planning an anti-porn movement. A futile exercise of course but a good way to pick up political points particularly among fundie Christians. But as you might imagine, they’re not stopping there. They also want to ban all forms of premarital sex including sex on college campuses. Good luck.

But as you can imagine, they’re not stopping there. They also want to ban some forms of sex between married persons. No one has come forward yet with an idea on how to police such banned behavior. Maybe they’ll rely on the honor system.

To be absolutely sure they get it right the first time, staff members of these erstwhile Congress critters are collecting porn movies, magazines and books with dirty pictures so they’ll be able to know pornography when they see it. Actually, I just made that last part up.

***

The American people will support a strong president who’s wrong. (Bush)

They won’t support a weak president who’s right. (Carter)

They will reject a weak president who’s wrong. (Obama)

And the guy doesn’t have a clue.