Archive for ‘SEX’

May 18, 2012

Sex On Campus

Daily Kos has published excerpts from the Liberty University manual that outlines acceptable student behavior.  Things like you can’t get laid on campus even if you’re screwing a member of the opposite sex are forbidden.  Actually, you can’t get laid off campus either.  Students are permitted to hold hands however.  I’m presuming same sex holding hands is prohibited.

File:Bonderson Farm crib barn and cow shed.JPG

A photo of a chapel at a small religious institution.

The dress code forbids female students from wearing skirts whose hemlines reach above the knee.

Now it’s been a long time since I’ve been in college.  But while I was there, I did learn a thing or two.  One of my observations regarded skirts.  What I discovered was that skirts with hemlines above the knee are tighter and usually more difficult to raise while skirts with hemlines below the knee are looser and raise in a jiffy.

Panties slip off quite easily in either case.

Given the strict rules about hemlines at Liberty, I’m assuming the ladies don’t simply undress but have to be coaxed just a little bit – as they did back in the day – before they would allow their beaus that delightful access. So I’m sure the guys at Liberty have discovered this peculiar phenomenon about tight and loose skirts all by themselves.

Actually, if two consenting adults are engaging in safe sex it’s nobody’s business but their own regardless of whomever is wearing the skirt.

Daily Kos

Read the article at Daily Kos: Liberty University’s “The Liberty Way” exposed

***

Officials at The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning have been receiving criticism from local residents after portions of The Institute’s Code of Behavior for Students were published in the student newspaper on the campus located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  The Code was published to encourage students from others universities to transfer to the Sardo Institute.

Students who would like to transfer can fill out an application and send it along with the $300.00 application fee to:

Admissions:  The Sardo Institute
                          PO Box 555 55 55
                          Pasta Fagioli, Italy
                          Cash only please.
 

A summary of the Code of Behavior follows.

Article I of the Code states that the only acceptable position when engaging in sexual relations is the man on top and the woman beneath him.  The newspaper insisted that this Article represented a 20th view of man Tarzan, woman Jane attitude.

Officials pointed out however that article XI of the Code permitted role playing and role switching and this rule allowed the woman to assume the Tarzan role and get on top of the male Jane.

Article II states that sex is only permitted between a man and a woman or any combination thereof.

Group sex is strictly limited to weekends.

Sex in motor vehicles of any kind is prohibited.  That’s what dormitories are for.

Sex in the library is forbidden unless performed in a discreet manner so as not to disturb other students who may be engaged in the same activity.

Female students must adhere to a strict dress code.  Skirt hemlines, for example, must reach at least twelve inches above the knee.  Shorter are skirts are permitted; panties are optional and bras are frowned upon.

Single piece bathing suits may not be worn in swimming pool areas.  They are, however, suitable classroom attire.

Article LXVIII forbids oral sex.  The next article permits it provided it is performed with at least one consenting adult partner.

Farting on campus is strictly forbidden, but especially in the library between the bookshelves.  Unless, of course, you’re a dinosaur.  Dinosaurs can fart wherever they want.

Actual FOX News Headline: “Dinosaurs May Have Farted Themselves to Extinction.” Enough Said | BuzzFlash.org

File:Triceratops tyrannosaurus.jpg
March 4, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Heard the latest rumors about Olympia Snowe. She’s leaving the Senate and she never had an affair. Not homosexual, not bisexual, not even straight. How the hell did someone like that ever get elected to the Senate in the first place?

, U.S. Senator.

Snowe calls it quits. Just can't take the GOP insanity anymore. Image via Wikipedia

She’s a sly one though. This lady of Maine’s great coup occurred during the stimulus give and take in the Finance Committee. She managed to wittle down the package to one that Republicans could claim was a failure.

She repeatedly outwitted the Ivy League city slickers on the Obama economic team by presenting them with a bill that was sure to fail.

Even though the stimulus created and saved millions of jobs, it was much to small to achieve the objective of revitalizing the economy.

***

There’s an old Mafia saying: you gotta have the geetus. That goes double in politics. Not enough cabbage and you get to take the first plane out of Follyland.

The Dems didn’t push their agenda when they had a Democratic Congress because they were scared shitless that it might pass. And if it ever did the big money boys would stop greasing their palms.

That’s why the Dems love the filibuster. They can advocate for a fake populist agenda and then blame the Republicans for blocking it.

And, God forbid, if a portion of the agenda comes too close to passing, they can always depend on Joe Lieberman or Ben Nelson to shoot it down.

***

In view of the Church of Latter Day Saints’ custom of baptizing dead Jews, the bookstore at the Sardo Institute of Lame Humor is offering Mormons an opportunity to participate in a time honored Jewish tradition. 

The bookstore at the Institute announced today that it will begin selling a Mormon version of yarmulkes with the name of Brigham Young embroidered in 14 carat gold lettering emblazoned across the front of the cap. Yarmulkes for the ladies come with a pink tassel. And when you press the button on top of the cap, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will burst into a chorus of Tzena, Tzena, Tzena sung in medieval Yiddish.

The yarmulke comes with a certificate that entitles the bearer to a Bar Mitzvah and contains a discount coupon for a rabbinical circumcision – even if you’ve already had one – rabbinical or otherwise. And be sure to ask about our postmortem Bar Mitzvah. Bat Mitzvahs are also available.

Mormons are encouraged to be the first in their temples to proudly display a Brigham Young yarmulke.

Send your order to The Sardo Institute Bookstore, Box 555 55 55, Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Yarmulkes are only $19.95 each plus $5.95 for shipping and handling. But if you act right now we’ll include a second yarmulke absolutely free. Just pay shipping and handling. Cash only please.

Better hurry! Offer available while supplies last.

 File:YarmulkeAndMenorah.jpg

A real yarmulke and a menorah from the Harry S. Truman collection.  

***

It’ll be Romney as the Republican nominee or, if the Mayan calendar is right about a calamity in 2012, Jeb Bush by default in a deadlocked GOP convention.

2016 is probably Jeb’s year. I suspect the Bush family is secretly hoping for an Obama victory.

Barbara Bush, Jeb Bush, George H. W. Bush, Lau...

The Bushes - hoping for an Obama victory in 2012? Image via Wikipedia

A spokesman for Jeb Bush announced today that if the former governor does not earn the Republican nomination for president in 2012 he will vote for Barack Obama. The spokesman said that if Obama wins reelection, Jeb feels certain he will be the GOP nominee in 2016 and should win the presidential election with ease

***

Referring to the Israel-Iran squabble, the president told a fund raising audience that he does not bluff. Well, he may not bluff, but that’s only because he folds with a winning hand.

***

Nice gesture by the president to a cruelly insulted young woman. He thanked Sandra Fluke for speaking out on the important issue of insurance payment for birth control. The Georgetown law student was then defamed by the defamer in chief, none other than Rush Limbaugh himself.

***

Rush Limbaugh makes his living by being a snot-nosed entertainer.

Phil Donahue and Rush Limbaugh's Back

Phil Donahue with Rush Limbaugh’s best feature in the background.  (Photo courtesy of Eddie S. Photostream).

Unfortunately for the nation, the millions who hang on his every word believe he is a journalist and that everything he says is sacred truth.

You have to understand Rush Limbaugh though. The man makes a living acting like an asshole. And he depends on other assholes for his bread and butter. It’s not his fault that the nation is filled with ignorant people. Moreover, it’s that crowd that makes him a multimillionaire – a true one percenter. And so he continually pounds right wing propaganda into the tiny brains of his listeners – many of whom reside firmly in the lower economic layers of the US and who may be rightly described as belonging to a class called the Ignorantsia. And after he finishes exploiting these dummies, he collects his cash.

So it’s not only Limbaugh who is an insult to civility and his country. His idolaters are as well.

Unfortunately for the nation, too many people consider this obnoxious entertainer a journalist.

***

353,000 MINUS 351,000 that’s a difference of, let’s see. I better get out my slide rule so I’m sure not to make a mathematical error here.

What did I do with that damn thing anyway! Oh, well, I guess you’ll just have to suffer through that mathematical problem all by yourselves. And I promise, I’ll try to come up with the right answer before the next leap year.

Anyway, the Labor Department ballyhooed that figure as a sign that the economy is on the mend. Yes, that’s right. Fewer people filed for unemployment benefits last week than the week before. Have you figured out how many fewer yet? NO! Well, take your time. There’s no hurry. And don’t feel bad ’cause the Labor Department doesn’t know shit from shoe polish anyway. (I would have used the defunct brand name Shinola but I didn’t want to associate a once fine shoe polish with Labor Department bullshit).

According to the LD, the unemployment rate was steady at 8.3 %. That figure however doesn’t include everyone whose unemployed. Go figure that figure.

You see, the Einstein’s at the LD stop counting unemployed people when they decide that these jobless souls are no longer looking for jobs. How do they figure that? Go figure. If they figured the actual number of unemployed along with those working part-time still looking for full time work, I figure the figure would be much higher than the LD’s figure. Probably somewhere in the low 20s. A 20% unemployment rate figure, however, just doesn’t figure well into Obama’s reelection message. At least that’s how I figure it.  

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February 26, 2012

Committee Announces Awards

Pasta Fagioli, Italy

From its hideout deep the Italian Alps, the Nobella Prize Committee today announced two awards. The members of the committee granted the MVP award to the male members of the Virginia legislature for sponsoring and passing legislation that would force newly pregnant women who sought an abortion to undergo a procedure called a transvaginal probe. The device would be inserted into the woman’s vagina to determine the age of a zygote recently implanted in a womb.

File:Scheme female reproductive system-cs.svg

Page from a pamphlet used to instruct the Virginia Legislature about the female reproductive system. Initially, instructors used a pamphlet printed in the English language. But that didn’t help much either. 

Involuntary, forced insertion of an object into a woman’s vagina is defined as rape by many law enforcement agencies.

However, the members of the legislature were not deterred by the definition of rape. They proceeded to pass the law that would force women to permit the involuntary insertion of the probe into their vaginas. Her doctor would be compelled to perform the procedure as well.

The purpose of the law and the transvaginal probe were attempts by the male members of the Virginia legislature to convince women to forgo abortions.

After an uproar from the women across the nation, the governor of Virginia decided not to sign the bill into law after indicating that he would do so.

Nevertheless, the Committee awarded the Most Valuable Putz prize to the male members who voted in favor of penetration of a woman’s vagina without her consent.  

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. 

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

.

Committee Awards Second Prize

The Nobella Prize Committee of Pasta Fagioli, Italy announced the winner of a second award.

The members awarded The Schmuckup Prize to Gov. Bob McDonnell for his support of legislation that would force a pregnant woman seeking an abortion to undergo a transvaginal probe, that is, an involuntary insertion of an ultrasound device into the woman’s vagina. The probe determines the age of a recently implanted zygote and is intended to convince the woman not to have an abortion.

McDonnell, who hopes to be appointed as vice president on the Republican’s 2012 ticket, reversed course after, but only after, the bill caused an uproar among many women voters.

 File:US Navy 100111-N-9095H-064 aster Chief Navy Diver Ross Garcia speaks with Virginia Governor-Elect Bob McDonnell at the USO of Hampton Roads at Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek-Fort Story.jpg

McDonnell wooing the military vote.

Explaining the turnabout, a spokesman said the governor didn’t know that the law required sticking a long, hard thing up a woman’s woowoo for it to work.

As the winner of The Schmuckup Award, McDonnell receives a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

February 4, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Senior UPW staff reporter, Ms. Marcy Popindick reported today that unnamed Democrats are delighted with the filibuster arrangement as it exists in the Senate. It allows Republicans to overrule any legislation that benefits the 99% – thereby doing the dirty work for the Dems, most of whom would rather see the legislation killed anyway. So Democrats can then cash in on the big time corporate money through their complicity with the filibuster pretending to their base that the meanies in the GOP keep obstructing their policies.

 File:Dollars for Democrats.jpg

Anything for a buck. Right. Even little Johnny’s allowance.

Hey, what’s the use of being a Democrat if you can’t stab your supporters in the back every once in a while.

***

The UPW news wire is reporting that investigators have located more than $1 billion dollars of the funds missing from MP Global operations.

The funds were found in an executive’s briefcase.

According to a statement from the executive’s attorney: “Hey, just because he owns the briefcase doesn’t mean he’s the one who stole the money.”

Case dismissed.

***

According to many Republicans, globing warming comes only once a year, usually in the summer.

***

UPW news reporter Chocalatta Chippie has obtained a copy of the speech Mitt Romney originally intended to give after his endorsement by Donald Trump.

English: This photo depicts Donald Trump's sta...

Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Image via Wikipedia

The portions of the speech included high praise for Trump and a statement that when he was growing up he’d always dreamed of being endorsed for president of the United States by Trump. The speech continues: “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. For today, my lifelong dream has come true.”

Romney advisers shit-canned the speech saying it was a bunch of poppycock and who gives a shit about Donald Trump anyway.

***

Biologists at the Sardo Institute have begun testing groups of mammals for sterility. Animals found to be sterile, the scientists said, will be culled from herds to prevent unwarranted and sinful copulation with fertile animals.

According to Dr. Monsignor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a professor in Christian doctrine and the author of Osservare in Camera Da Letto, infertile animals, along with sterile human beings, must be separated from the group and denied conjugal rights in accordance with the laws handed down to the church by the Supreme Being. According to doctrine advocated by some Christian congregations the primary purpose of sexual relations is propagation of the species and, as such, sterile members are incapable of fulfilling the demands of divine law. It is imperative, therefore, that they be removed from the healthy group to prevent sinful copulation.

Monsignor Bacciagalupe stated that marriage between sterile and fertile humans is a sinful union because such a joining is incapable of producing offspring. Bacciagalupe reminded the faithful that pleasure is a by-product of sexual relations and not an end in itself. “It’s a OK to fucka you brains out, but you gotta make a da babies,” he said.

File:Old buildings, Hale Farm - geograph.org.uk - 190317.jpg

The complex of buildings housing the Science Department at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning. (Photo courtesy of Hugh Chevallier).

In related news, Monsignor Bacciagalupe also decried the decision of the Susan G. Komen for Cure institute to restore funding for breast cancer screenings to Planned Parenthood. Bacciagalupe stated that Planned Parenthood issues birth control devices to the public. Catholic doctrine forbids the use of birth control even though a vast majority of Catholic women practice some form of it in order to prevent pregnancy. Many devout Catholic women, according to Bacciagalupe, support the Church’s position on birth control. However, most are widows over the age of 80.

The monsignor continued that he much preferred that men undergo a vasectomy. “It’s a not a too bad,” he said. “And it a happens a so fast. Before you know it, it’s a finished. And a you never have to worry again.“

***

Mitt Romney said today that he doesn’t care about poor people because nobody really gives a shit about them anyway and besides there’s this safety net thing.

And he doesn’t care about rich people because they already own half the damn planet.

But he does care about the middle class because that’s where most of the votes come from.

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said the candidate intends to pilfer as much money as he can from the poor and give it to the middle class and hopes that will win him the election.

January 29, 2012

Prayer in Public Schools

Three things kids pray for in school:

  1. That a good majawanna crop comes in. “But officer I was only growing it to make rope.”
  1. Free condoms in the cafeteria. “I’ll take two dozen.” “Are you sure that will be enough, Mary?”
  2. Sex education labs. Well, hell, if they’re going to give away free condoms, why waste a good thing.

    English: sex education

    Image via Wikipedia

    This is what an unused condom looks like. They come in several designer colors.


English: sex education. Condom with studs

Image via Wikipedia

This condom comes with a stud. Something I would definitely look into, ladies.

January 22, 2012

Random Musings

Newt has demonstrated in the past that he certainly wants to get in there.

Scientists tell us that the G-spot – an area of pleasure in a woman – doesn’t really exist. The area is an accumulation of nerves that extend from the clitoris, the most sensitive area on a woman’s body.

Now I haven’t known – in the Biblical sense – a whole lot of women in my day. However, I never met one who cared where the pleasure originated as long as it came on a fairly regular basis.

I was lucky to know something about a woman’s body. When I was 17 years old, I sent away for a sex manual. You know, the kind that used to come in a brown paper wrapper.

You had to be 21 to send for it and sign a statement attesting to your age. Well, I figured I was close enough and since I worked and had my own checking account, I sent away for it.

Wow. Stuff you don’t know when you’re 17.

I was also fortunate enough to be able to practice some of the stuff I learned from the book on a girl who lived across the street. Actually, there were days when we sat and read the book together.

Back in the day just about all activity was permissible except actual penetration. Since birth control devices were not yet readily available to kids, and since we didn’t trust the rhythm method we’d read about, we pretty much limited activity to what was referred to as “heavy petting.” Most girls engaged in that practice. However, actual relations were verboten.

In any case, I cannot recall a single girl, or later women, who asked about a G-spot or even a clitoris.

Now I have to carry this scientific report just one step further and then I promise I’ll drop it.

File:T. rex old posture.jpg

I wonder if female dinosaurs were able to direct their male counterparts to the right spot. Maybe they just got fed up with all the shit and quit having sex altogether. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my theory of the great dinosaur extinction. The males just couldn’t find the G-spot.

So as far as the scientists are concerned: Have a ball and don’t worry about this or that spot.

***

Some psychiatrist has claimed that Newt Gingrich’s acts of infidelity are a qualification for the presidency – at least those that Gingrich admits to any way.

Gee whiz!!! If I only knew, I coulda been president. And had some fun along the way. And it’s a good way to make a fast buck besides.

Although, in my case, premarital infidelity would have to count – if there is such a thing.

Perhaps the reason no woman has ever been elected president of the US is that they’re just too damn faithful. Ladies, there’s a lesson to be learned here.

The psychiatrist’s name by the way is Keith Ablow. Ablow??? Are they kidding? Now there’s Rorschach fodder if I have saw it. 


Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Newt Wins SC Primary

Callista must really be excited. Betcha she gets a half million dollar shopping trip to Tiffany next week. If she ever becomes first lady the Marines will need a separate helicopter to transport her jewels to Camp David, a Chinook no doubt.

January 21, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

File:Baby.jpg

Is there anything more beautiful on God’s green Earth? The photo is by Carin Araujo, http://www.prtc.net/~carin who permits its use to the public, Mama and Papa have every right to be very proud. (2006).

When I was in high school, several young women got pregnant without benefit of marriage. Thankfully, all of the babies were healthy, happy, bouncing boys and girls.

From those happy events I concluded that the best place to conceive was in the back seat of a car.  Of course, I was much younger then.

Today, most people I know, even those who are married, conceive in more traditional locations.

Back in the day, however, we kids didn’t have access to methods of birth control. So the choices were abstention or risk it.

I recall a conversation with a young girl who was friends with one who risked it and came up short. The friendship of course was terminated. But she did say that her former friend prayed and prayed that she would not conceive.

I believe we all know by now that abstention really does work but only if you abstain. And as for prayer, well I’m sorry to disappoint any Christians who may believe otherwise, but Jesus doesn’t prevent pregnancy.  Just not in his job description.

Anyway, regardless of the circumstances, the outcome is beauty beyond compare.

***

Warning! The following paragraph contains adult material and a really nasty joke. So you won’t want to pass it up.

First marine: I gotta take a piss.

Second marine: Let’s go kill someone.

Oh my god! That really is nasty. My soul is destined for eternal damnation, I just know it.

So what the hell.

***

We hear constantly that the US owes trillions of dollars in debt to foreign nations. Did you know that the US owns debt from foreign nations equal to 89% of the debt it owes?

Now let’s go right wing stupid for just a moment, use a comparison provided by right wing propaganda the intent of which is to frighten the wits out of Americans and compare the US government’s situation with household debt.

If your neighbor owned 100% of your house but you owned 89% of his, how bad off would you be? Let’s face it, that position is a standoff.

And so it is with US foreign debt and ownership. If the US debt is called in and the US retaliates by calling the foreign debt it owns, the economy of the entire planet goes kerwoosh. The only way that will ever happen is if Wall Street can profit from it. Trouble is the fat cats are no doubt trying to figure out a way to make it happen right now.

***

Did you know that the comparison right wing economists make between the US debt and household debt would be accurate with just one stipulation.

Let’s say your wife went shopping and just bought a million dollars worth of jewelry you couldn’t pay for. However, in your study you have a printing machine that could print perfectly legal tender. In addition, you could write letters to 2000 of your neighbors and inform them that they will now have to contribute $1000.00 more to your tax fund every year. Voila’ You now have a surplus and your wife can go shopping again.

The United States Mint Police

United States Mint Police

If you had one of these parked your garage, your wife could shop 24/7. Image by cliff1066™ via Flickr

So this whole debt issue is bogus, a sham, perpetrated on an ill informed public the purpose of which is to bilk the many greenhorns among us who believe all the bullshit.

Yes the genetically defective Wall Street fat cats have engineered an all out attack on the people’s Social Security savings and are fighting a desperate battle to privatize Medicare and turn it into a profit making venture for rich investors.

Vouchers??? Oh yeah, vouchers. More Wall Street bullshit. Let’s say a voucher is worth $300.00 a month and a profit health insurance policy costs $1000.00. Guess who pays the difference? And if you can’t afford it, well, like the old Chinese laundry adage goes: “No tickey, no shirty.”

Oh, surely, you say those Wall Street mutations who resemble human beings wouldn’t let you die for lack of health insurance.

Surely it’s a different matter than letting coal miners die a mile below the surface of the earth by shortchanging safety regulations; or killing workers on oil rigs by taking the same shortcuts; or boosting nicotine levels in deadly cigarettes to ensure addiction; or polluting drinking water through the practice known as fracking.

Surely the fat cats will see to it that you get medical treatment even if you can’t afford expensive profit insurance.

OK.

***

Mitt Romney stated that if he is elected president he will stop the Chinese from stealing American intellectual property, patents and know-how. Apparently, he would prefer to have, Indonesia, India, Vietnam, Thailand, etc, etc, etc., steal it.

***

According to the website Gizmodo, there are 5,000 janitors with Ph,Ds in the US. That statistic is truly surprising. I always found janitors to be a lot smarter than that.

The article continues and reveals that numerous holders of advanced degrees have been forced to work at menial jobs.

Perhaps the country should finally admit that its economic decline has been so precipitous and so profound that it no longer needs so many highly educated people and its now time to begin shuttering some colleges and universities. I’m certain right wing extremists would relish the closings. Think of all the professors we could fire and the tax cuts the rich would rake in. The very thought must be sending chills up and down their spines every moment of every day.

Read the entire article below:

http://gizmodo.com/5671062/there-are-5000-janitors-in-the-us-with-phds

See U.S. Department of Treasury report on U.S. holding of foreign debt.

http://www.treasury.gov/press-center/press-releases/pages/tg1285.ASPX

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December 10, 2011

Random Musings

In the midst of an obesity epidemic, a restaurant chain has taken on the name “Fats.” Actually, it’s been around for a while. I often wonder if investors are beginning to regret the choice of name. Would they consider changing it to “Slim’s” or “Skinny’s”? Not sure I’d want to eat at a restaurant with that kind of moniker.

Anyway, food’s pretty good at FATS. And you can get a drink too.

Full disclosure. I don’t own a nickel’s worth of stock in FATS.

***

I’ve always been something of a smart ass. Not a bad ass smart ass. Just a, you know, smart ass.

Went to a diner once with some of my dorm mates. They knew what was coming when I ordered a half rack of rhino ribs with Congo sauce. A few snickers followed.

Without batting an eye, the waitress said: “Sorry, we’re out of rhino but you can have the Congo sauce on a giraffe dick.

Huge laughter all around. The waitress no doubt had been smart assed for years. After all, I’m not the only one in the world. But I learned then and there never to smart ass a waitress who worked in a college town.

***

Warning! The following article has graphic images and sexual content. So you won’t want to miss it.

If a fly got on a plane in New York that landed in Denver, what would the fly’s reaction be when it deplaned?

What the fuuuuuck?

What would the fly’s chances be of getting on a flight back to New York? I mean he’s only got a couple of weeks before he dies.

He’d do better to find a female Musca Domestica and start his own tribe. And that shouldn’t be a problem. Although females copulate only once, they’re really quite eager for male companionship.

English: Houseflies Musca domestica mating. Pi...

Image via Wikipedia

Two flies screwing around.  

(Photo by Muhammad Mahdi Karim).*


Well, I guess you can’t get much more graphic than that photo.

***

I have an idea for a new curriculum for athletes who just want to get the hell out of college and sign on to that big pro contract.

I call it Cake Baking. Now I don’t mean your ordinary Betty Crocker type cake – even though that’s part of the curriculum. I’m talkin’ big event kinda cakes. Like for birthdays and weddings and stuff.

The courses would consist of the following:

Bake-pan Cakes 101 – 3 credits

Two-Layer Cakes 102 – 3 credits

Three-Layer Cakes 103 – 3 credits (Prerequisite 102)

Frosting 104 – 3 credits

Decorating 105 – 5 credits (Includes Laboratory)

Thesis (Two semesters) – 6 credits (Minimum ten paragraphs. Tutoring available).

***

If the Indians had an opportunity to do so, would they really want to take back the country?

***

We’ve all seen bumper stickers displayed by proud parents proclaiming a child’s accomplishments in school.

But how about the kids who aren’t doing so well. I think they deserve a sticker once in a while too. So why not something like the following:

.

My son is a royal fuck up at Lincoln Middle School.

My daughter is an honor student in the boys’ locker room at Mortimer McTurd High School.

My son won the pot smoking contest at Murph the Surfs Charter School for Misfits.

.

You may already have some of your very own favorites.

***

I was in a movie theater once that was evacuated because of a bomb scare. The screen went dark, the lights came up and an announcement came over the speaker system: “Please leave the theater quickly and quietly.”

Police and firemen arrived with sirens blaring. They searched the theater for maybe ten, fifteen minutes, found nothing and declared the place safe to occupy and resume the movie. Sheepishly, everybody went back in.

Afterward, I thought, sure, the squads didn’t find a bomb. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t one there.

On the other hand, if someone wanted to blow up a theater, why would they phone in an advance warning. So a phoned in threat is almost always a prank. Almost.

***

The Bible tells us that the Israelites escaped bondage in Egypt by crossing the Red Sea over a path created by divinely parted waters. So far so good.

There were about a million of them, give or take, and they wandered in the desert for forty years – a situation that would normally give rise to a problem in logistics.

Not to worry. We’re talking God here and he had this whole adventure planned way in advance.

How do you feed a million people lost in a desert for forty years? Manna, that’s how.

Now manna probably isn’t what you thought it was. Actually it’s bird droppings. We’ve all seen bird droppings on a windshield. You may have even witnessed the actual splat from time to time. Not something to look forward to for dinner by any means.

However, to feed a million people with manna would require tens of millions of birds – enough to darken even the desert sky at noon – relieving themselves in a virtual perfect storm.

And this is the diet the Israelites gorged themselves on 24 – 7 – 365, breakfast, lunch and dinner, for forty years.

It always seemed to me that at some time early on Moses should have had a conversation with God about providing a little variety in the diet.

You know, like maybe roast chicken on the Sabbath once in a while. Or London broil, medium rare, seared around the edges.

In any case, stop with the bird shit already.

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A quail, the bird that provided manna to the Israelites.

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I once did a report on Revelation. Not on the writing itself. But on the controversy that surrounded its inclusion in The Bible. Many clerics believed the writings to be sacred and should be included in Holy Scripture. Others thought it was the bat shit crazy work of a tormented soul imprisoned by the Romans on a desolate island in the Aegean Sea.

As we all know the Holy Scripture bishops had their way and Revelation became sacred writings. In my report I sided with the Holy Scripture bishops only out of fear of being burned at the stake if I claimed the writings were indeed the bat shit crazy work of an angry rebel.

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The Whore of Babylon from the writings of John of Patmos as depicted by Hans Burgkmair (1473-1531). Scholars believe John intended the Whore to represent Rome.

I have since come to a greater appreciation of the work of John, the persecuted prisoner on Patmos. With the advent of computer animation and now 3-D, I’ve thought for some time Revelation would make a great movie. And now I wonder: Why didn’t I think of that? I coulda been rich.

*As always click the photo for the URL and full attribution.

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