Limericks 2

English: Hanukkah menorah, known also as Hanuk...

English: Hanukkah menorah, known also as Hanukiah. Česky: Chanukový svícen chanukija (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A guy met a girl during Chanukah
Her name was virginal Monica
It took him till Christmas
To change Miss to Missus.
They named their first girl Veronica.
.
A gal met a guy during Chanukah
Who serenaded her on the harmonica
She fell for his song
And it didn’t take long
To gift her sweet toys electronica.
 .
A fellow who needed a doc
Arrived at the office in shock
He had a black eye
Received from a guy
Up whose wife he did pitifully knock.
.
A woman who needed a doc
Got laid ‘neath a grandfather clock
She came just in time
For the Westminster chime
Then fumed to the doc “your pill didn’t block.”
Westminster Quarters melody used on the hour.

Westminster Quarters melody used on the hour. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

.
 
 
 
 
 
A woman who needed a doc
Arrived at the office to mock
The skills of her lover
But soon she’d discover
The doc’s had risen beneath his white smock.
.
Lloyd Blankfein’s gift of a clump of coal
Has long been a Peter Peterson goal.
The gift is for the rest of us
One the press will not discuss
It comes from the heart, a veritable black hole. 
.
A man who was rather urbane
Was driven to levels insane.
His Ferragamos he scuffed
And they couldn’t be buffed
To Italy he flew on a private jet plane.
.
A gal who was rather urbane
Met a man on a private jet plane
Said “my place or yours”
For delightful amours
But scuffed Ferragamos caused her passion to wane.
.
A man who was rather urbane
At da Vinci he’d finally deplane.
He went to a store
Threw scuffed shoes on the floor
A new pair set his gal’s heart aflame.
.
A man who was rather urbane
Bought a bottle of costly champagne.
On the very top floor
He knocked on the door
Of the suite of love lost to reclaim.
.
A gal who was rather urbane
Imbibed of the costly champagne
When her senses she lost
Good behavior she tossed
And became so profane, drove her lover insane
.
Lloydie, Lloydie, Lloydie
Mr. Blankfein’s gone Freudie
Says if poor folks retire
It surely will mire
His millions in the deficit toity.
.
Our Lloydie is looking askance
At poor folks who just want a chance
Instead of a kick in the pants.
It would really be nice
If they would just take their rice
Only once a day rather than twice.
.
A fellow who wasn’t too bright
Got laid on a Saturday night
He rolled in a threesome
But the ladies did fleece him
And skipped out while saying sleep tight.
.
There’s a Christmas war on for sure
Check any big box store.
On the Friday they call Black
Wear helmets or risk a crack
In the head from crazed shoppers galore.
.
A fellow who wasn’t too bright
Got laid on a Saturday night
He rolled in a threesome
But the ladies did fleece him
And skipped out while saying sleep tight.
.
Glorious leaders will send us all drones
For Christmas and no one bemoans
Their unquestionably gross illegality.
So far be it from angry me
To question the laws our Congress dethrones.
.
.A woman who wasn’t too bright
Took a fellow to bed one night
She gave him her charms
And heard the alarms
But he skipped out of sight and left her contrite.
.
A fellow who wasn’t too bright
Checked to see why a bulb wouldn’t light
Stuck his finger in the socket
Learned nothing could block it.
He’s now known as poor Rudolph. What a sight.
.
A man was disturbed by a line
Written by a prophet divine
It forbade a divorce
He expressed his remorse
But continued to lie with the ladies supine.
.
A gal was disturbed by a line
About lying with men supine
It’s forbidden without marriage
Yet who could disparage
The great times with the guys she’d recline.
.
Paul Ryan is playing the blame game.
His excuses run poor to utterly lame.
Because he got picked
Mitt Romney got licked.
His name was no match for inglorious fame.
.
Paul Ryan Caricature

Screw Romney. Next time I’m running for president.

.

 Mitt Romney is peeved at his loss.
It’s understandable he should be cross.
He screwed up his campaign
And now seeks to blame
Obama for spreading the sauce.
.
For John McCain the end is near
He’s causing trouble that is clear
He used to be a real mensch
Now he’s just creating stench
And will besmirch a fine career.
.
Paul Ryan is playing the blame game.
His excuses run poor to utterly lame.
Because he got picked
Mitt Romney got licked.
His name was no match for inglorious fame.
.
Mitt Romney is peeved at his loss.
It’s understandable he should be cross.
He screwed up his campaign
And now seeks to blame
Obama for spreading the sauce.
.
For John McCain the end is near
He’s causing trouble that is clear
He used to be a real mensch
Now he’s just creating stench
And will besmirch a fine career.
.
A fellow who tended to whine
Refused to pay a court fine
He went into a snit
And had a big fit
When jailed he wailed a fine don’t decline.
.
A woman who tended to whine
About swill a date said was fine wine
She gulped a full glass
When he patted her ass
She tilted and tossed the cheap brine.
.
.A woman who tended to preen
Had hair dyed purple and green.
Along with the tint
She kept a blueprint
To comb her hair perfect before being seen.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Cared not as his wife turned all green.
She told him to get off the pot
Her makeup was starting to rot.
But honey he said it’s Halloween.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Finally created a scene
His angry main squeeze
Let loose with a sneeze
That mussed his boufant ‘fore meeting the queen.
.
The fellow was Romney of course
Whose wife went riding a horse.
He said to the queen
My wife is so mean
A horse did she preen.
And then in between
Said something obscene.”
.
And with no more discourse
She saddled the horse.
And rode from the scene.
With no sign of remorse.
.
At last we are empty nested
And so we can go bare breasted
Then we strip are bad tushies
As well as brown bushies
And do things we never have tested.
.
 
A woman was asked to explain
Why she held Paul Ryan in disdain.
She looked at his budget
My God did he fudge it.
She decided to loudly complain.
.
A man was asked to explain
Why his women would so often feign
Orgasms of delight
As they slept with him despite
Preferring partners whose sex was the same.
.
A fellow had made a mistake
Ate at Chick-fil-A for chrrssake
When he opened his fries
He glanced at cute eyes
The kiss the guys shared took the cake.
.
 
A woman had made a mistake
Said of gals I do not partake
When they met in a tryst
The moment they kissed
She stayed late and rose gayly awake.
.
A gal who was known for her flash
When she danced at a frat was a smash
She took off her clothes
While all the guys rose
But fellas she said I want cash.
.
A man who was known for his flash
At a party revealed he had cash
He went for a dame
Of beauty and fame
But her beau punched him silly with one smash.
.
A fellow who fell on his face
Drank scotch before his big race
At the end of a mile
He collapsed with a smile
Ah, the bottle he held in a loving embrace.
.
A woman who fell on her face
Felt ashamed of her act of disgrace
In a moment of stupor
She brought home a trooper
Saying honey my virtue I’ll gladly misplace.
.
A woman was starting to rue
She only had sex with a few
Guys who could please her
But barely would squeeze her
Before they announced they were through.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
Quick sex and then he was through
While in bed this poor schnook
Watched his gal read a book
For in a minute he promptly withdrew.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
A gal he picked up anew
She gave him a dime
For wasting her time
But a fortune for dinner he blew.
.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun drifted over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill.
.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun rose over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill. .
 
A moody young fellow with ‘tude
Said I’m going out to get screwed
So that’s what he did
And heaven forbid
When he woke he was stewed and stripped nude.
.
A moody young woman with ‘tude
Met a guy determined to get screwed
So she took him to bed
In his drink dropped a med
Then departed the dude she outsmarted, how shrewd.
.
A fellow was putting on airs
For women for whom he set snares
I’m rich as you see
So follow with glee
To my digs that no else shares.
.
A woman was putting on airs
For a fellow who set many snares
You may be rich
You son of a bitch
But my style needs cash for affairs.
.
A man who was never in doubt
Could find prey like an Indian scout
His quarry was women
And soon he was swimmin’
In a bevy whose dreams he would flout.
.
A gal who was never in doubt
Had a body about which she’d shout.
Come see me some time
And if you bring the wine
I’ll make you my love slave devout.
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