Limericks 3

With delight the girls would squeal
While all around the bush we’d feel.
Pleasure for sure that caused no harm
In tall grass near the barn of a farm
There their charms the girls would reveal.
TALL GRASS
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Not to fret for it’s fun to pet.
And these are times we’d n’eer not forget.
So of these moments don’t despair
In love we know that all is fair.
In years to come we’d have no regret.
.
When movement afar I’d one day spy.
My girl and I had a ready reply.
We came to see a circling crow
And watch the pretty daisies grow.
But rumpled grass did our lie deny.
.
A gal who was rather ill-bred
For some reason likes to bake bread
Rolls dough ‘tween her fingers
Has dreams while it lingers
Then sticks in the oven instead.
.
A gal who liked to bake bread
On which she always would spread
A gob of cream cheese
For her fellows to please
One bite would bring things to a head.
Cream cheese on a bagel.

Cream cheese on a bagel. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A man who was rather ill-bred
Had a fetish for gals who baked bread
With fantasies wild
The gals always smiled
As he fed them the bread while in bed.
.
Italian voters have come to their senses.
Elected a member with no pretenses.
A comic he was to be sure
With politics a recent detour.
Against him the bankers raised high fences.
.
Nothing quite like the fall of snow
In spring when leaves and flowers glow.
It’s sad to watch them wither away
Though all return another day,
This fleeting mix makes a wondrous show.
FRESH SNOW
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Can it be, is that more snow?
After lilacs burst in a purple show.
Forsythia blossoms grasp drifting flakes
Before wind from leaves the snow it shakes.
As wintry gusts white powder blow.
.
Shoveling again my back it breaks.
Three ibuprofen it always takes
To settle the lingering pains and aches.
.
But nature grants a gift that’s priceless.
Without it life would be so spiceless.
Our thanks for rebirth to goddess Isis.
.
A woman was trying to read
The mind of a guy she would need.
She had to get paid
If he hoped to get laid
On the money they hardly agreed.
.
A fellow was trying to read
While snacking on junk at light speed.
His face was so bloated
With cheeks that were coated.
The crumbs to a horse he could feed.
.
A gal who was terribly bold
Went skating on a night very cold
She worked up a sweat
Removed clothes on a bet
Skated naked – what a sight to behold.
.
A man who was terribly bold
On a corner a weed he sold
A cop came along
Said you don’t belong
But light up and we’ll both be consoled.
.
Marco Rubio’s a real pip.
Hasn’t even become minority whip.
Yet look what he says
He’s running for prez.
Yet for people he couldn’t give a rip.
.
In the Big Apple he shakes down for dough
Making ready for a really big show.
A King says he nuts
But the guy’s got some guts.
He’ll snatch the dough then town he’ll blow.
.
A fellow was planning his flight
After robbing a bank with delight
He brought with him his keys
Then raised everyone’s fees
Took his cash to the Caymans one night.
.
A woman was planning her flight
Sweet Alice was seeking delight
She packed her fine scanties
Matching bras and silk panties
Seeking pleasures anew day and night.
.
A fellow was planning his flight
With Alice who proved quite a sight.
He dreamed of new pleasure
Delight beyond measure
Cialis for Alice his flame did ignite.
.
A fellow was catching some rays
Spied a gal who gave him a gaze.
He said babe you look fine
I’ll buy dinner and wine.
Then later in bed she’d amaze.
.
A woman was catching some rays
On days when the sun was ablaze
She turned a bright red
Couldn’t lie down in bed.
Poor hubby was left with his raise.
.
Some say Boehner has a functioning brain
Possibly true but it’s certainly lame.
If he had an idea that was worth a cent
Unkind it would be for us all to resent
When a mind worth a penny he’d proudly proclaim.
.
The Trump is an angry bear.
Accused of having orangutan hair.
His voice is still shrill
He’s suing for five mill.
But he won’t get a dime on a dare.
.
A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of a woman cold as a stone
Found her proper and staid
So he couldn’t get laid.
She brought gals to her bed when alone.
.
A fellow who felt like a drone
Was left in a bar all alone.
His flame in a state
A hot date would deflate
And leave him half drunk to bemoan.
.
A woman who’d constantly drone
Of hot sex on her steamy cell phone
Would brag so absurd
So everyone heard
When the drone on the phone turned to moan.
.
A woman would constantly drone
Of her love for Sylvester Stallone
She would take him to bed
In an instant, instead
Went to sleep with a dreamy sweet groan.
.
A guy who was wearing a tie
So awful he couldn’t deny
It should have been trashed
Cause the colors all clashed
And it looked like a burnt pizza pie
.
A gal who was wearing a tie
Top a dress seen through by the eye.
She knew her sheer sheath
Showed two things beneath
A firm bust of an ample supply.
.
A fellow was trying to tie
His shoes after drinking some rye.
He felt like a jerk
Cause it just wouldn’t work
The rye made him fly clear up to the sky.
.
A woman was trying to tie
The knot with a guy who was sly
The lady was slick
She knew every trick
I’m late cause of you can’t deny.
..
A gal who was recently canned
Took a job at a club that was banned
When she stripped to her toes
The customers all froze
From her toes to her nose she was beautifully tanned.
.
A man who was recently canned
Worked a club the cops had just banned
T’was a stripper you see
Made gals howl with glee
But his tail back to jail the law did remand.
.
A gal who was recently canned
Her pay she would loudly demand
The boss said you’ll get it
But mine first or forget it
She said fella I’m not grazing land.
.
A man who was recently canned
From a job he just could not stand
Worked all day in fish muck
Until he would chuck
Finally took a safe job on dry land.
.
A woman was served something canned
Contained horse meat that once had been banned.
She rose with a shout
Soon cantered about
Joined the fifth at Belmont, won a grand.
RACETRACK
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A fellow stepped into the hall
Effects of Cialis clear to all
He began to sway
And soon lost his way
Left his mistress waiting to ball.
.
A woman stepped into the hall
With spiked heels and suffered a fall
Completely undressed
And highly distressed
Needing ice for her double highball.
.
A woman stepped into the hall
Tripped over a guy legs asprawl
To her pleasant distraction
He was ready action
Her yearnings she could not forestall.
.
A woman had planned to come clean
Of behavior she knew was quite mean
She slept round galore
Many more past four score
Then said “screw clean this fun is too keen.”
.
A fellow had planned to come clean
Of his sexual addiction supreme
But soon he’d discover
There under the cover
Was his wife with the other fifteen.
.
The trillion dollar coin has been nixed
So the debt ceiling now can’t be fixed.
Republicans are firm
Making Democrats squirm
But views on the outcome are still mixed.
.
The rich are in a pickle
With debt ceiling policy now fickle
Where to put all the dough
When government stops the flow
Of interest on bonds that won’t earn a nickel.
.
Mitch McConnell mixed a Viagra
With his Flomax; now goes like Niagara.
To the restroom he keeps dashing
His swollen pants can’t keep from flashing
A bump like a corn ear from ConAgra.
 
A woman refused to eat crow
After performing nude in a show.
Her guy was upset
Tried to make her regret
But she said “honey, it’s quite apropos.
.
A fellow refused to eat crow
Though his gal was in the know
His behavior was crude
He’d party till nude
But the dude so rude “said go with he flow.
.
There once was a blond who could not
Save a guy who one day smoked pot
The weed it was bad
And for him it was sad
The number for 911 she forgot.
.
File:Gentlemen Prefer Blondes .jpg
.
The haters are out to get Hill
But she’s a tough gal who still
Can fight a good battle
Against those who prattle
And feed lies to the rumor mill.
.
The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre
A school teacher’s worst nightmare
Says guns will stop killing
If only we’re all willing
To carry loaded weapons everywhere.
.
A woman would frequently claim
Her boyfriend drove her insane.
All he wanted was sex
It continued to vex
Till the wedding day she could proclaim.
.
A fellow would frequently claim
His gal stopped playing the game.
It was only a fling
Yet she wanted a ring.
With a smile down the aisle he came.
.
A woman was making a list
Of guys who she sorely missed
She vowed to select
Only those when erect
She stood on her toes as she kissed.
 
A gal who was very short
With a rocket she loved to cavort
She marveled at size
It dazzled her eyes
Till at launch she watched it abort.
.
A woman was making a list
Of men who joined in her tryst.
They all were compliant
Each a good client
She had never an arm to twist.
.
A woman was stuck in a rut
She was dating a classical nut
She put on some rock
Began to defrock
Till the nut a new rug did he cut.

.

Republicans think they’re all quite nerdy.
They’re not they just play extremely dirty.
Projecting their far right wing wiles.
Covering dark deeds with cynical smiles.
.
In the cloakrooms they all cluster
To plan their next filibuster.
The nation’s progress they willfully deny
The will of the people with joy they defy.
.
We’re sinking into the GOP mire
So tax cuts all must soon expire.
The recklessness of their spending
Barack Obama will soon be ending.
He must only hold their toes to the fire.

.
December 21, 2012
The world would end at dawn today
I thought not to join the fray
So safely behind I gladly stayed
No never mind to the fuss I paid
Hoping to watch the fireworks display.
Fireworks #1

Fireworks #1 (Photo credit: Camera Slayer)

.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Alas it was never meant to be
The world now celebrates with glee
But never defy a Mayan seer
You’ll end up crouching in great fear
Begging forgiveness with a forlorn plea.
.
With a seer you never trifle
He’ll send your way an awful eyeful.
To display of his ancient might
He’ll mark you in his dreadful sight.
As demons and monsters your life ‘ll stifle.
.
A fellow was sipping some port
For a holiday treat of a sort
He finished with disdain
Said this is insane
To the scotch and soda he’d resort.
English: A glass of port wine. Français : Un v...

English: A glass of port wine. Français : Un verre de Porto. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A woman was sipping some port
So much did her actions distort
She arrived at a party
Kissed the fellows too hearty
And in bed she went down like a real good sport.
 
.
A woman who always wore blue
Gave the guys a colorful view.
She donned a new thong
And turned on a throng
Of Frenchmen who gasped “O mon Dieu.”
.
A fellow who always wore blue
Till it grew to a hue he would rue.
Never ever a prude
He pranced around nude
Saying blue never got me a screw.
.
Limericks are fun, give them a try
Don’t be discouraged when they go awry
It can help you clearly think
When you fix a tasty drink
As for me it’s scotch before rye.
.
Not that there’s anything wrong with rye.
A Canadian blend can get you high
Mix with some soda and a little ice
And soon you’ll be saying I’d like flied lice
On the side with my moo goo gai pai.
.
Yes, I know it’s moo goo gai pan
But rhyming’s hard so I do what I can
Besides the waiter knew what I meant
For another drink he quickly went
He earned his keep that night, good man.
.
That eve I was the designated drunk
My wife was angry so I quickly thunk.
To the car I’d better scurry.
I got there in a hazy hurry.
Before she could throw me in the trunk.
……
A rep by name of amorous Enos
Had a truly enormous penis
God help us that thing’s prodigious.”
Gals always said something religious.
Pray let him come stiffly between us.”
.
Now Enos was glad that size didn’t matter.
His asset could fill a turkey platter.
The gals of course could not resist
And Enos so blessed would not desist.
‘Round the town his seed he’d scatter.
.
A tool of truly Biblical proportions
Often requires gymnastic contortions.
But Enos was a man quite clever
And disappoint a gal he’d never.
His body he’d twist in amazing distortions.
.
He had to invent a new position.
So blessed he was with ammunition.
To please the gals in every way
From a chandelier he’d often sway
And leave the gals in burned out condition.
.
Five at a time he could not endure
So Enos returned to his usual four.
The gals would shriek with joyous thrill
So completely did he eagerly fulfill.
Alas not Enos but his penis did the gals adore.
.
Enos of course was a politician
Whose job in DC was submission
Of all women compliant
Till he met one defiant
Who revealed his sins of commission.
.
Enos of course was sent packing
His work in he House. sorely lacking
The voters rebelled
From his seat they expelled
Poor Enos as the whip they were cracking.
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