Limericks 5

A fellow got into a scrap
With a gal who gave him a slap.
She hit his shocked face
Then sprayed him with mace.
When he graced her backside tap, tap, tap.
.
A woman decided to scrap
A guy she couldn’t entrap
She grabbed up her rings
Among other things
While the guy took an afternoon nap.
.
When the gal decided to scrap
The guy who was taking a nap.
She packed up her things
And then took to wings
And thought, “Finally I’m out of the trap.”
.
A woman was dating three guys
She selected the one with blue eyes.
He lived in Sumatra
And just like Sinatra
A wink always won him the prize.
.
A fellow was out with the guys
Chasing gals and the ultimate prize.
He approached a fair maiden
With hopes to get laid in
An hour or two he’d surmise.
.
A gal was just one of the guys
With burger she had her french fries.
She downed them with beer
And said with a sneer
Complain and you’ll meet your demise.
.
A fellow was taking a break
After swimming in a frozen lake
He swam in the nude
When a woman said “Dude,
You can’t rock ‘n roll when you shake ‘n quake.”
.
A woman at last caught a break
After being many hours awake
She took a quick nap
On a lucky guy’s lap
Who tried to partake till she said “go pound cake.”
.
A woman would frequently pick
Every Tom, Harry and Dick
With the three in the car.
She soon went too far
Saying “this is what makes my life tick.
.
A woman was trying to pick
Among Tom, Harry and Dick.
She went of a tear
And had an affair
With all saying “this is my shtick.”
.
A woman was trying to pick
The guys who make her life tick.
They were all very nice
To her life added spice.
She decided she wouldn’t pick quick.
.
A woman was trying to pick
Frozen yogurt on a stick to lick.
The flavor she liked
Was was thoroughly spiked
With rum that gave a quick kick.
.
A woman was trying to pick
Among guys with whom she could click
She chose a big fellow
Who made her life mellow
But alas was a slippery Dick.
.
A gal tied her hair in a bow
That covered her bod head to toe.
It was really quite pleasing
Except when she’s sneezing
It reveals hers charms down below.
.
A gal tied her hair in a bow
That would hurt making love to a beau
One said “It’s annoying”
When my toy I’m deploying.”
It’s better down there when you mow.”
.
A fellow who’d once been the beau
Of a princess was told to go blow.
He went into a funk
Till his head he would dunk
In a barrel of Remy Cointreau.
.
So what’s wrong with fooling around.
It can help you to get unwound.
But this doc went too far
With a nurse in OR
And what happened next would astound.
.
The appendix this doc couldn’t find.
It appears the nurse blew his mind.
So he pulled up his britches
And sewed up the stitches
And left the appendage behind.
.
A woman appeared unaware
Of a guy who sat in a chair
He sat down beside her
She thought woe betide her
And agreed to a secret affair.
.
My wife disappeared-don’t know where
She went shopping to buy sexy wear
She got lost in a mall
A cavernous sprawl.
Missing Persons gave up in despair.
.
She would never buy ready to wear.
In hot embrace they’d easily tear.
Though nude might be crude
She didn’t need mood
And Claire’s dude was ready for bear.
.
While shopping for fantasy wear
Claire’s mind was caught in a snare.
Costly clothes were all lewd
She looked good in the nude.
So the guys better like her bare pair.
.
A fellow announced “we are done”
Playing games in the hay isn’t fun.
No need to be wed
Let’s jump into bed
But I’ll read you no poem by John Donne.”
.
A woman was feeling undone
When her beau said “you’re no longer fun.
We’re not in grade school
Let’s strip in the pool
And make love ‘neath the midnight sun.
.
A woman was feeling undone
When she stripped in the pool to have fun.
There was a cold breeze
So she started to sneeze
Saying “make it a really quick one.”
.
Wendi went head over butt
For a guy with a famed British strut.
He was Minister Prime
Who had a great time
Taking Deng from a rut, so tut tut.
.
It was all lovey dovey for sure
For Wendi the Brit had the cure.
They rolled in the hay
On many a day
With allure she gave Tony the tour.
.
Her body of such fine design
Gave the Brit a jolly old time.
He was great in the bed
So she took him and said
I’ll unwed for a time so sublime.
.
With Murdoch she could not endure
A life so starkly obscure.
To Tony she went
Told Rupert get bent
I’m having a marriage detour.
A fellow announced “we are done”
Playing games in the hay isn’t fun.
No need to be wed
Let’s jump into bed
But I’ll read you no poem by John Donne.”
John Donne, one of the most famous Metaphysica...

John Donne, one of the most famous Metaphysical Poets. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A woman was feeling undone
When her beau said “you’re no longer fun.
We’re not in grade school
Let’s strip in the pool
And make love ‘neath the midnight sun.
.
A woman was feeling undone
When she stripped in the pool to have fun.
There was a cold breeze
So she started to sneeze
Saying “make it a really fast one.”
.
Obama’s a son of a gun
Preaching hope in the president’s run.
He told many lies
Now to no one’s surprise
The hope was a tall tale he’d spun.
.
Feinstein says don’t spy on me
So goes the lady’s perverse decree.
It’s only okay to spy on you.
Need to know what you’re up to.
But spying on me, that’s a felony.
.
A woman worked hard to design
A plan for a guy she’d entwine
In matrimonial bliss
So she gave him a kiss
Then soon on a bed she’d recline.
.
A man who taught graphic design
Once took a smart student to dine.
He showed her his work
She thought “such a jerk”
But she had a good time on Rhine wine.
On the quest to try new wine

On the quest to try new wine (Photo credit: eston)

.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stayed up till three playing cards
Had far fewer wins than discards
Enjoyed a good drink
While I stayed in the pink
So late in the morn’ here’s regards.
.
The drink you’ve guessed was not punch
After a few came the crunch
You may think it was Hell
But I slept real well
Now I’m ready for breakfast and lunch.
.
A woman whose life was fast-paced
Often her car keys misplaced.
She frowned and she fretted
Through sweater she sweated
As often to the office she raced.
.
A woman whose life was fast-paced
Was chaste though she often was chased.
One night on a bender
She’d finally surrender.
Of the good life she’d had a foretaste.
.
The woman whose life was fast-paced
Her old ways she’d finally displaced.
She soon took to bedding
Without ever fretting
As guy after guy she replaced.
.
A fellow who frequently paced
Was upset since he was replaced
By a new guy in town
And so he would frown
I’m in no mood now to be chaste.”
.
A fellow who frequently paced
Soon found his life was debased
For a girl he went shopping
So he started bar hopping
Got drunk and he stripped ‘neath the waist.
.
A fellow was working with paste
That he knew to be rye whiskey based.
He’d baste beef while roasting
Then tasting and toasting
Till his brain he’d completely erased.
rye whiskey 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A gal heard a rather loud knock
She was sleeping and woke up in shock.
The guy at the door
Was drunk wanting more
As he stumbled around the wrong block.
.
A fellow would frequently knock
On doors on any old block
The neighbors all knew
He banged right on cue.
As he binged day and night round the clock.
.
The fellow who’d frequently knock
Found a suite in the local cell block.
He stayed there till morn
As neighbors would scorn.
And when sober his actions they’d mock.
.
The guy heard a rather loud knock
On the bars of his private cell block.
It woke him in fright
To the cops great delight.
The latch on the block they refused to unlock.
.
So the guy who would frequently knock.
Sat alone in his block round the clock.
Till he sobered on day
And thought with dismay
I’ve been acting for years like a schlock.
.
But the guy in the block decided to stock
A stash ‘neath the bed in his private cell block.
He applied mighty torque
Till up popped the cork
Then said as for me I’ll never dry dock.
.
The tale of the guy who’d frequently knock
Ends sadly for him on a far off dock
He washed up one day
In a place far away
On the shores of the city Bangkok.
.
The guy who would frequently knock
Woke in shock not wearing his frock.
He was naked you see
Only cloaked in debris
So he hid in a tree with no smock.
.
A fellow was warned in advance
But decided to still take a chance
He hit on a gal
In a seedy locale.
Sister Agnes looked at him askance.
nun
.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 A woman refused an advance
From a guy at a neighborhood dance.
That’d be the day
I ever will pay
Attention to a suave fancy pants.”
.
A gal got a tiny advance
From a boss who then took a chance.
If to my place you’ll come
I will pay a tidy sum.
For a night of thrilling romance.”
.
The gal with the tiny advance.
Told her boss to shove his romance
The money is spent
So you can get bent.
And I have a new job in finance.”
.
A woman who’d suffered some blows
From a very long list of beaux,
Took revenge on each suitor
By threatening to neuter.
So each his love now bestows.
.
A fellow who frequently blows
Off each gal whose charm she bestows.
He’s no doubt a big lout
For each conquest he’d flout.
Fell victim to the gals quid pro quos.
.
A woman who finally went out
After suffering a violent bout
With a husband who beat her,
A mean GOP’er
Who’s now running for Senate, the lout.
.
Clinton One we’ve come to rue.
Will we also Clinton Two?
Hillary’s marching behind
Right wing hubby, we remind.
For both the safety net will undo.
two peas
 
.
 
 
 
 
 
 Stop telling me what I should do
To get rid of this horrible flu
I tried some cheap scotch
Got a blotch on my crotch
And my head feels like slumgullion stew.
.
Stop telling me what I should do
When really you don’t have a clue.
Of the trouble I’m in
‘Cause there’s no way I win.
Knocked up two with only one screw.
.
A woman at last got her due
After lining up guys in a queue
It was done on a dare
But she got quite a scare
Getting caught on a wooden church pew.
.
A woman asked, “What shall I do?…
I’ve just drunk my thirty first brew.
I’m feeling quite drawn
But the ship sails at dawn
And I promised I’d screw half the crew.
.
A woman asked, “What shall I do?”…
Had a night I’m starting to rue.
The guys were just fine
I do mean all nine
But for long I can’t bid them adieu.”

 

 

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