Limericks 1

A fellow would frequently treat
The gals who’d wait for the fleet.
He stood at the dock
Next rhyme gets a block
And performed a formidable feat.
.
A woman would frequently treat
A guy who came off the fleet.
She shrieked with great glee
My God can it be”.
Ripped the sheet in her heat she would tweet.
.
No compromise Ryan is blessed
With a press that thinks he’s the best.
In headlines they’re honkin’
The numbers he’s wonkin’.
Yet his math is hard to digest.
.
The Republicans game is to cast blame
The excuses so old they are lame
It’s the other guy’s fault
Flip flop, somersault
It’s the fraudulent vote they exclaim.
.
General Petraeus had an affair
With a woman it was so don’t despair
Gays are laughing like hell
Their old enemy just fell
Revenge is sweet and always so fair.
.
There’s a day that celebrates gin.
For all it’s a real win-win.
And I’m not talkin’ Eli’s cotton
That machine is long forgotten
It’s what you pour that let’s the fun begin.
.
Some Republican guy named Mourdock
Emerged from a cave a feared warlock
He said from a rape
No woman can escape
Though conception may leave her in shock.
.
A life cannot be aborted
Says Mourdock in words contorted
God he avers is OK
With a woman suffering each day
Through a life that rape has distorted.
.
A man who was rather a nut
Lost his head when he missed a short putt
He grabbed a nine iron
And I swear I’m not lyin’
He whacked the fat lady square in the butt.
.
A gal who was rather a nut
Would eat like a monstrous glut
She removed all her rings
Now’s the fat lady who sings
At La Scala and shows off her strut.
.
Fairy tales can come true
Mitt’s hoping they really do
He uses magic fairy dust
To keep tall tales from going bust
And voters with lies he will imbue.
.
Gather round and listen to
Mitt spin yarns that gush and spew
If I had a dime for every time
He spun his falsehoods so sublime
I’d be rich and bid work adieu.
.
Since by storm his city got trounced
For Obama Hizzoner announced
He eschewed the fake
And that takes the cake
For Mitt Romney finally got bounced.
.
Mitt Romney says nobody dies
So enjoy a Big Mac and french fries
And if you get sick
You can take a trip quick
To an ER and avoid your demise.
.
.A man who was very refined
Said lady you’re much to confined
Let me show you the ropes
And the slippery slopes
Leave manners behind, bring secrets maligned.
.
A gal who was very refined
Went out to be wined and dined
She drank Johnnie Black
Then jumped in the sack
And never again she declined
.
When Brown in debate praised Scalia
He was victimized by onomatopoeia
The audience sounded boos
Is hoping Brown will lose
And in November be saying “I’ll see ya.”
.
Don’t take pictures of a cop
Or the floor with your head floor he will mop
So put the camera away
And out of jail you will stay
Or the pokey will be your next stop.
.
Mitt Romney had a zinger
He gave Obama the middle finger
He flipped him a bird
But it’s not so absurd
To expect from a sorry right winger.
.
Just when we thought we’d heard from the last clown
Up from the ashes rises Representative Paul Broun
He’s from Georgia you may know
Where in a garden they grow
Ignorance that’s gained worldwide renown.
.
Now Georgia is a state
With universities so great
They’re known the world over
College kids walk in clover
So what’s with the creation debate
.
A woman displayed her dismay
As her spouse she set forth to betray.
She had a good time
With passion sublime
But her spouse went likewise astray.
.
A man displayed his dismay
When his wife felt no guilt to betray
His inelegant pleading
To satisfy his needing
For a lay in the hay at least once a day.
.
A man displayed his dismay
At his wife who would quickly display
Her elegant charms
In friends’ eager arms
He said, honey, at least make them pay.
.
A man was involved in a feud
With his wife who posed artfully nude
He complained in loud voice
What a horrible choice”
But became a changed dude when the cash he soon viewed.
.
A gal was involved in a feud
With a guy who showed attitude
You’ll get nothing from me
You son of a b
When I’m treated in a manner so crude.
.
Oh Mitt it just isn’t enough
To act like a Mafia tough
You gotta have smarts
In political arts
Or voters your efforts will rebuff.
.
 A fellow who tended to whine
Refused to pay a court fine
He went into a snit
And had a big fit
When jailed he wailed a fine don’t decline.
.
A woman who tended to whine
About swill a date said was fine wine
She gulped a full glass
When he patted her ass
She tilted and tossed the cheap brine.
.
.A woman who tended to preen
Had hair dyed purple and green.
Along with the tint
She kept a blueprint
To comb her hair perfect before being seen.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Cared not as his wife turned all green.
She told him to get off the pot
Her makeup was starting to rot.
But honey he said it’s Halloween.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Finally created a scene
His angry main squeeze
Let loose with a sneeze
That mussed his boufant ‘fore meeting the queen.
.
The fellow was Romney of course
Whose wife went riding a horse.
He said to the queen
My wife is so mean
A horse did she preen.
And then in between
Said something obscene.”
.
And with no more discourse
She saddled the horse.
And rode from the scene.
With no sign of remorse.
.
At last we are empty nested
And so we can go bare breasted
Then we strip are bad tushies
As well as brown bushies
And do things we never have tested.
.
A woman was asked to explain
Why she held Paul Ryan in disdain.
She looked at his budget
My God did he fudge it.
She decided to loudly complain.
.
A man was asked to explain
Why his women would so often feign
Orgasms of delight
As they slept with him despite
Preferring partners whose sex was the same.
.
A fellow had made a mistake
Ate at Chick-fil-A for chrrssake
When he opened his fries
He glanced at cute eyes
The kiss the guys shared took the cake.
.
A woman had made a mistake
Said of gals I do not partake
When they met in a tryst
The moment they kissed
She stayed late and rose gayly awake.
.
A gal who was known for her flash
When she danced at a frat was a smash
She took off her clothes
While all the guys rose
But fellas she said I want cash.
.
A man who was known for his flash
At a party revealed he had cash
He went for a dame
Of beauty and fame
But her beau punched him silly with one smash.
.
A fellow who fell on his face
Drank scotch before his big race
At the end of a mile
He collapsed with a smile
Ah, the bottle he held in a loving embrace.
.
A woman who fell on her face
Felt ashamed of her act of disgrace
In a moment of stupor
She brought home a trooper
Saying honey my virtue I’ll gladly misplace.
.
A woman was starting to rue
She only had sex with a few
Guys who could please her
But barely would squeeze her
Before they announced they were through.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
Quick sex and then he was through
While in bed this poor schnook
Watched his gal read a book
For in a minute he promptly withdrew.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
A gal he picked up anew
She gave him a dime
For wasting her time
But a fortune for dinner he blew.
.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun drifted over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill.
.
A moody young fellow with ‘tude
Said I’m going out to get screwed
So that’s what he did
And heaven forbid
When he woke he was stewed and stripped nude.
.
A moody young woman with ‘tude
Met a guy determined to get screwed
So she took him to bed
In his drink dropped a med
Then departed the dude she outsmarted, how shrewd.
.
A fellow was putting on airs
For women for whom he set snares
I’m rich as you see
So follow with glee
To my digs that no else shares.
.
A woman was putting on airs
For a fellow who set many snares
You may be rich
You son of a bitch
But my style needs cash for affairs.
.
A man who was never in doubt
Could find prey like an Indian scout
His quarry was women
And soon he was swimmin’
In a bevy whose dreams he would flout.
.
A gal who was never in doubt
Had a body about which she’d shout.
Come see me some time
And if you bring the wine
I’ll make you my love slave devout.
.
A man who was very astute
Said his company would never pollute
Pristine rivers and clean streams
To profit by any means
But the board soon gave him the boot.
.
A gal who was very astute
With a will so firmly resolute
That she never recoiled
As nature she despoiled
For profit and a big pile of loot.
.
This gal who was very astute
Found her mind began to compute
So high a reward
That she plucked from the board
A bonus no investor would dispute.
.
A woman was shooting the breeze
In a skirt that blew past her knees
It flew up to her breast
And revealed a sweet nest
She was wearing no undies, oh jeez.
.
A fellow was shooting the breeze
With a woman he called his main squeeze
When they went to Niagara
And he forgot his Viagra
She said, honey, I have extra if you please.
.
A fellow was planning to wed
A gal a bit too well fed
When he took her to bed
It rumbled with dread
But she said honey the ring or you’re dead.
.
A gal was planning to wed
A guy who played golf instead
She went to the course
And without any remorse
Broke a five iron over his head.
.
Sen. Republicans live in a bubble
Always out to cause trouble
They will learn how imprudent
To pick on a student
Who’ll remember who caused them to struggle.
.
A woman who tried to persuade
A guy she was really quite staid
Finally ended the pretense
Which made little sense
And dove naked in the pool where they played.
.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A gal who refused to get laid
Finally bought her a ring
Then they went on a fling
Where his lady her charms she displayed.
.
Should Mitt be concerned about Paul
Whose ideas are a free for all.
His economics libertarian
Are not egalitarian
But could cause Romney’s bid to stall.
.
A gal in an overpriced store
Thought her wardrobe a maidenly bore
She picked through the clothes
Until poor hubby froze
And fainted flat out on the floor.
.
A man in an overpriced store
Turned abruptly and went out the door
He’d be finely accoutered
But financially neutered
And forced to a house of the poor.
.
A guy with a very deep tan
Was born to a dark sinned clan
They made fun of his skin
He was pale as a Finn
So he became a tanning bed fan.
.
A gal with a very deep tan
Cruised the beaches so all men could scan
Her body’s delights
Which caused many nights
Of cold showers for guys with no plan.
.
Dear Mitt I was grateful and glad
You told kids to borrow from dad
But two kids before
Left dad broke and poor
And a government saying too bad.
.
A man had a notable knack
To call ducks with a risible quack
He fired away
In the bushes one day
And sprayed the judge square in the back.
.
A man had a notable knack
To spray ducks with considerable flack
He got tipsy by noon
Shot only a loon
On scotch before noon he’d cut back.
.
A gal had a notable knack
To tease men with her sizable rack
Don’t touch,” her voice stern
Papa’s soon to return
But I’ll meet you tonight in the shack.
.
A fellow was off on a quest
For a spotted pink owl’s nest
I’ve seen this pink bird
After downing a third
Martini and feeling quite blessed.
.
A woman was off on a quest
To fulfill her lover’s request
She danced in the nude
Said how’s that look, dude
He then bedded her down with new zest.
.
A fellow was starting to snap
At a woman who gave him the clap
Sweetie she said
I’d sleep with the dead
But instead I put up with your crap.
.
A woman was starting to snap
At a chap she sought to entrap
She growled agitatedly
When he arrived belatedly
Then lay down and took a long nap.
.
A fellow was trying to show
His boat when strong winds blow
The craft shook astern
Took a violent turn
And he shouted look out below
A gal who was very uptight
Let her hair down one steamy night
Screw the pills to the end
I’ve turned round the bend
.A knew fellow has ended my plight.
.
A fellow who was very uptight
Met a woman one steamy night
She took him to bed
With a shrug of her head
And both had quite a night of delight.
.
A woman who tended to brood
Danced for her boyfriends quite nude.
What a happy delight
They thought they just might
Set about to changing her mood.
.
A fellow who tended to brood
Came home one night rather stewed
His wife made him sleep
On the floor for a week
Then go without for a month sorry dude.
.
A man who was terribly shrill
Took a drink with a happy time pill
When he woke the next morning
His brain was in mourning
With a buzz from an electric drill.
.
A gal who was terribly shrill
A gal who was partial to gin
Didn’t know where to begin
To fix a fine brew
From a dry bottle she knew
Would leave her in utter chagrin.
.
A fellow who looked like a hick
Used butter to make his hair slick
When he walked in the sun
He burned like a bun
In a toaster whose pop up would stick.
.
A woman who looked like a hick
Applied lipstick from a licorice stick
It was red as a berry
Tasted sweet as a cherry
And made her the guys’ favorite chick..
Mitt Romney is stuck in a rut
Santorum is kicking his butt
But waiting in the wings
Praying the phone finally rings.
Jeb’s hoping he ‘s the party’s King Tut.
.
A fellow who had a degree
Went on a drunken spree
He landed in jail
And couldn’t make bail
Then got caught again trying to flee.
.
A woman who had a degree
Was thrilled with her PhD
She landed a job
Growing corn on the cob
That fake hormones made big as a tree.
.
Dan Burton has come to the end
Of a career that’s hard to commend
He challenged Obama’s birth
With proof as dearth as rare earth
And leaves a record that hard to defend.
.
The thought of a brokered convention
Causes even more GOP dissension
Republicans would kick Mitt in the tush
If only they could vote for Jeb Bush
Who might carry the party to redemption.
.
A fellow was trying to lead
A band with only one reed
The ghost of Glenn Miller upset
Said son if you add a clarinet
For more music your fans will plead.
And stop smoking that smelly old weed.
.
An historian true to form
Newt seeks only to inform
While he pockets the cash
For his fees unabashed
In Washington he’s truly the norm.
.
No cheering at last night’s debate
Left Newt to wonder his fate.
Perhaps history’s his calling
So before his next mauling
He should admit he’s not all that great.
.
A gal with a very full plate
Scheduled two guys for a date
In her confusion
She found it amusin’
And said “What the hell” this is great.
.
A man with a very full plate
Just ate and ate and ate
When he got on a scale
He weighed in as a whale
And set a record for maritime weight.
.
She’s neither a witch nor a bitch
But whatever happened to the seven year itch
Must be tugging at Newton’s crotch
His bedpost craving another notch
.
Callista better keep close tabs
Or Newt will find another “Babs”
And if he pulls just one more switch.
This little cutie will surely snitch.
.
A man was upset by a bill
He ran up while seeking a thrill
When the bill came due
For the champagne screw
Kissing this piper proved a bitter pill.
.
Gingrich gave Romney a whack.
Could put his campaign in the sack.
It’s all about Bain
The bane of the campaign
For Mitt and his notorious PAC
.
PAC PAC go away
I can’t take this truth all day
Used to be my lies would work
Now I’m looking like a jerk
‘Cause Bain can’t keep the sharks at bay.
.
A fellow was trying to hide
A terrible loss to his pride
He convinced a sweet thing
Th have a grand fling
But the thing failed to rise and the fling was denied
.
The poor guy forgot to take his Viagra
When he does it falls like Niagara
Now he keeps one in his wallet
So if he meets a gal quite scarlet
He won’t go home to stew marinara
.
A fellow who tended to whine
Refused to pay a court fine
He went into a snit
And had a big fit
When jailed he wailed a fine don’t decline.
.
A woman who tended to whine
About swill a date said was fine wine
She gulped a full glass
When he patted her ass
She tilted and tossed the cheap brine.
.
.A woman who tended to preen
Had hair dyed purple and green.
Along with the tint
She kept a blueprint
To comb her hair perfect before being seen.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Cared not as his wife turned all green.
She told him to get off the pot
Her makeup was starting to rot.
But honey he said it’s Halloween.
.
A fellow who tended to preen
Finally created a scene
His angry main squeeze
Let loose with a sneeze
That mussed his boufant ‘fore meeting the queen.
.
The fellow was Romney of course
Whose wife went riding a horse.
He said to the queen
My wife is so mean
A horse did she preen.
And then in between
Said something obscene.”
.
And with no more discourse
She saddled the horse.
And rode from the scene.
With no sign of remorse.
.
At last we are empty nested
And so we can go bare breasted
Then we strip are bad tushies
As well as brown bushies
And do things we never have tested.
.
A woman was asked to explain
Why she held Paul Ryan in disdain.
She looked at his budget
My God did he fudge it.
She decided to loudly complain.
.
A man was asked to explain
Why his women would so often feign
Orgasms of delight
As they slept with him despite
Preferring partners whose sex was the same.
.
A fellow had made a mistake
Ate at Chick-fil-A for chrrssake
When he opened his fries
He glanced at cute eyes
The kiss the guys shared took the cake.
.
A woman had made a mistake
Said of gals I do not partake
When they met in a tryst
The moment they kissed
She stayed late and rose gayly awake.
.
A gal who was known for her flash
When she danced at a frat was a smash
She took off her clothes
While all the guys rose
But fellas she said I want cash.
.
A man who was known for his flash
At a party revealed he had cash
He went for a dame
Of beauty and fame
But her beau punched him silly with one smash.
.
A fellow who fell on his face
Drank scotch before his big race
At the end of a mile
He collapsed with a smile
Ah, the bottle he held in a loving embrace.
.
A woman who fell on her face
Felt ashamed of her act of disgrace
In a moment of stupor
She brought home a trooper
Saying honey my virtue I’ll gladly misplace.
.
A woman was starting to rue
She only had sex with a few
Guys who could please her
But barely would squeeze her
Before they announced they were through.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
Quick sex and then he was through
While in bed this poor schnook
Watched his gal read a book
For in a minute he promptly withdrew.
.
A fellow was starting to rue
A gal he picked up anew
She gave him a dime
For wasting her time
But a fortune for dinner he blew.
.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun drifted over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill.
.
A fellow was proud of his skill
To guzzle a gallon of swill
He did it so fast
His hangover would last
From night till the sun rose over the hill.
.
A woman was proud of her skill
To get a man drunk on coarse swill
She’d dump him in bed
Take his money instead
And leave him thinking he had a cheap thrill. .
A moody young fellow with ‘tude
Said I’m going out to get screwed
So that’s what he did
And heaven forbid
When he woke he was stewed and stripped nude.
.
A moody young woman with ‘tude
Met a guy determined to get screwed
So she took him to bed
In his drink dropped a med
Then departed the dude she outsmarted, how shrewd.
.
A fellow was putting on airs
For women for whom he set snares
I’m rich as you see
So follow with glee
To my digs that no else shares.
.
A woman was putting on airs
For a fellow who set many snares
You may be rich
You son of a bitch
But my style needs cash for affairs.
.
A man who was never in doubt
Could find prey like an Indian scout
His quarry was women
And soon he was swimmin’
In a bevy whose dreams he would flout.
.
A gal who was never in doubt
Had a body about which she’d shout.
Come see me some time
And if you bring the wine
I’ll make you my love slave devout.
.
Sen. Republicans live in a bubble
Always out to cause trouble
They will learn how imprudent
To pick on a student
Who’ll remember who caused them to struggle.
.
A woman who tried to persuade
A guy she was really quite staid
Finally ended the pretense
Which made little sense
And dove naked in the pool where they played.
.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A gal who refused to get laid
Finally bought her a ring
Then they went on a fling
Where his lady her charms she displayed.
.
Should Mitt be concerned about Paul
Whose ideas are a free for all.
His economics libertarian
Are not egalitarian
But could cause Romney’s bid to stall.
.
A gal in an overpriced store
Thought her wardrobe a maidenly bore
She picked through the clothes
Until poor hubby froze
And fainted flat out on the floor.
.
A man in an overpriced store
Turned abruptly and went out the door
He’d be finely accoutered
But financially neutered
And forced to a house of the poor.
.
A guy with a very deep tan
Was born to a dark sinned clan
They made fun of his skin
He was pale as a Finn
So he became a tanning bed fan.
.
A gal with a very deep tan
Cruised the beaches so all men could scan
Her body’s delights
Which caused many nights
Of cold showers for guys with no plan.
.
Dear Mitt I was grateful and glad
You told kids to borrow from dad
But two kids before
Left dad broke and poor
And a government saying too bad.
.
A man had a notable knack
To call ducks with a risible quack
He fired away
In the bushes one day
And sprayed the judge square in the back.
.
A man had a notable knack
To spray ducks with considerable flack
He got tipsy by noon
Shot only a loon
On scotch before noon he’d cut back.
.
A gal had a notable knack
To tease men with her sizable rack
Don’t touch,” her voice stern
Papa’s soon to return
But I’ll meet you tonight in the shack.
.
A fellow was off on a quest
For a spotted pink owl’s nest
I’ve seen this pink bird
After downing a third
Martini and feeling quite blessed.
.
A woman was off on a quest
To fulfill her lover’s request
She danced in the nude
Said how’s that look, dude

.

A man who was very astute
Said his company would never pollute
Pristine rivers and clean streams
To profit by any means
But the board soon gave him the boot.
.
A gal who was very astute
With a will so firmly resolute
That she never recoiled
As nature she despoiled
For profit and a big pile of loot.
.
This gal who was very astute
Found her mind began to compute
So high a reward
That she plucked from the board
A bonus no investor would dispute.
.
A woman was shooting the breeze
In a skirt that blew past her knees
It flew up to her breast
And revealed a sweet nest
She was wearing no undies, oh jeez.
.
A fellow was shooting the breeze
With a woman he called his main squeeze
When they went to Niagara
And he forgot his Viagra
She said, honey, I have extra if you please.
.
A fellow was planning to wed
A gal a bit too well fed
When he took her to bed
It rumbled with dread
But she said honey the ring or you’re dead.
.
A gal was planning to wed
A guy who played golf instead
She went to the course
And without any remorse
Broke a five iron over his head.
.
Sen. Republicans live in a bubble
Always out to cause trouble
They will learn how imprudent
To pick on a student
Who’ll remember who caused them to struggle.
.
A woman who tried to persuade
A guy she was really quite staid
Finally ended the pretense
Which made little sense
And dove naked in the pool where they played.
.
A fellow who tried to persuade
A gal who refused to get laid
Finally bought her a ring
Then they went on a fling
Where his lady her charms she displayed.
.
Should Mitt be concerned about Paul
Whose ideas are a free for all.
His economics libertarian
Are not egalitarian
But could cause Romney’s bid to stall.
.
A gal in an overpriced store
Thought her wardrobe a maidenly bore
She picked through the clothes
Until poor hubby froze
And fainted flat out on the floor.
.
A man in an overpriced store
Turned abruptly and went out the door
He’d be finely accoutered
But financially neutered
And forced to a house of the poor.
.
A guy with a very deep tan
Was born to a dark sinned clan
They made fun of his skin
He was pale as a Finn
So he became a tanning bed fan.
.
A gal with a very deep tan
Cruised the beaches so all men could scan
Her body’s delights
Which caused many nights
Of cold showers for guys with no plan.
.
Dear Mitt I was grateful and glad
You told kids to borrow from dad
But two kids before
Left dad broke and poor
And a government saying too bad.
.
A man had a notable knack
To call ducks with a risible quack
He fired away
In the bushes one day
And sprayed the judge square in the back.
.
A man had a notable knack
To spray ducks with considerable flack
He got tipsy by noon
Shot only a loon
On scotch before noon he’d cut back.
.
A gal had a notable knack
To tease men with her sizable rack
Don’t touch,” her voice stern
Papa’s soon to return
But I’ll meet you tonight in the shack.
.
A fellow was off on a quest
For a spotted pink owl’s nest
I’ve seen this pink bird
After downing a third
Martini and feeling quite blessed.
.
 A woman was off on a quest
To fulfill her lover’s request
She danced in the nude
Said how’s that look, dude
He then bedded her down with new zest.
.
A fellow was starting to snap
At a woman who gave him the clap
Sweetie she said
I’d sleep with the dead
But instead I put up with your crap.
 .
 A woman was starting to snap
At a chap she sought to entrap
She growled agitatedly
When he arrived belatedly
Then lay down and took a long nap.

.

A gal who was very uptight
Let her hair down one steamy night
Screw the pills to the end
I’ve turned round the bend
.A knew fellow has ended my plight.
.
A fellow who was very uptight
Met a woman one steamy night
She took him to bed
With a shrug of her head
And both had quite a night of delight.
.
A woman who tended to brood
Danced for her boyfriends quite nude.
What a happy delight
They thought they just might
Set about to changing her mood.
.
A fellow who tended to brood
Came home one night rather stewed
His wife made him sleep
On the floor for a week
Then go without for a month sorry dude.
 .
A man who was partial to gin 
Made white Russians for a fin
A friend called him a fink
You use vodka in the drink
But these Russians come with a bedroom spin.
.
A fellow who looked like a hick
Used butter to make his hair slick
When he walked in the sun
He burned like a bun
In a toaster whose pop up would stick.
.
A woman who looked like a hick
Applied lipstick from a licorice stick
It was red as a berry
Tasted sweet as a cherry
And made her the guys’ favorite chick..
 .
A gal who was partial to gin
Didn’t know where to begin
To fix a fine brew
From a dry bottle she knew
Would leave her in utter chagrin
.
Mitt Romney is stuck in a rut
Santorum is kicking his butt
But waiting in the wings
Praying the phone finally rings.
Jeb’s hoping he ‘s the party’s King Tut.
.
A fellow who had a degree
Went on a drunken spree
He landed in jail
And couldn’t make bail
Then got caught again trying to flee.
.
A woman who had a degree
Was thrilled with her PhD
She landed a job
Growing corn on the cob
That fake hormones made big as a tree.
.
Dan Burton has come to the end
Of a career that’s hard to commend
He challenged Obama’s birth
With proof as dearth as rare earth
And leaves a record that hard to defend.
.
The thought of a brokered convention
Causes even more GOP dissension
Republicans would kick Mitt in the tush
If only they could vote for Jeb Bush
Who might carry the party to redemption.
.
A fellow was trying to lead
A band with only one reed
The ghost of Glenn Miller upset
Said son if you add a clarinet
For more music your fans will plead.
And stop smoking that smelly old weed.
.
An historian true to form
Newt seeks only to inform
While he pockets the cash
For his fees unabashed
In Washington he’s truly the norm.
.
No cheering at last night’s debate
Left Newt to wonder his fate.
Perhaps history’s his calling
So before his next mauling
He should admit he’s not all that great.
.
A gal with a very full plate
Scheduled two guys for a date
In her confusion
She found it amusin’
And said “What the hell” this is great.
.
A man with a very full plate
Just ate and ate and ate
When he got on a scale
He weighed in as a whale
And set a record for maritime weight.
.
She’s neither a witch nor a bitch
But whatever happened to the seven year itch
Must be tugging at Newton’s crotch
His bedpost craving another notch
Callista better keep close tabs
Or Newt will find another “Babs”
And if he pulls just one more switch.
This little cutie will surely snitch.
.
A man was upset by a bill
He ran up while seeking a thrill
When the bill came due
For the champagne screw
Kissing this piper proved a bitter pill.
.
Gingrich gave Romney a whack.
Could put his campaign in the sack.
It’s all about Bain
The bane of the campaign
For Mitt and his notorious PAC
.
PAC PAC go away
I can’t take this truth all day
Used to be my lies would work
Now I’m looking like a jerk
‘Cause Bain can’t keep the sharks at bay.
.
A fellow was trying to hide
A terrible loss to his pride
He convinced a sweet thing
Th have a grand fling
But the thing failed to rise and the fling was denied
.
The poor guy forgot to take his Viagra
When he does it falls like Niagara
Now he keeps one in his wallet
So if he meets a gal quite scarlet
He won’t go home to stew marinara
.
As the new year approaches men swear
To pat more his gal’s derriere
It’s spread some with time
Still responds to fine wine
And offers about all he can bear.
.
As the new year approaches gals swear
Oh what I’d give for a new derriere
The old one’s still fine
But keeps spreading with time
From dessert all next year I swear to forebear.
.
A fellow who’d stepped on some toes
Took a frightful punch in the nose.
The woman he ditched
Took a swing as she bitched.
While the toes swiftly rose to a spot as he froze.
.
A woman who’d stepped on some toes
Assumed a position of repose
Then to make her amends
She did multiple bends
And said honey it’s not just the wind that blows.
.
A fellow who went through a phase
Smoked pot till his eyes were a glaze
He would brag about sex
Even called his dong Tex
But in bed he performed in a stupefied daze.
.
A woman who went through a phase
Drank scotch to the end of her days
On her tombstone was set
Not a word of regret
As tales of her exploits her friends still amaze.
.
A fellow was famous worldwide
Gained wealth from the weapons he plied.
When the scoundrel got caught
The Congress he bought
Said by law he did always abide.
 
A fellow had taken a shot
At a dog that pooped on his lot
Scatologically speaking
The dog dumped a heaping
And loped off at a leisurely trot.
..
A woman who’d taken a shot
After several she’d gotten besot
Never mind she implored
It’s time I got floored
For my wedding today I forgot.
.
A fellow who’d taken a shot
At a deer in the woods he did spot
The miss he proclaimed was quite narrow
He nevertheless shot a sparrow
But at dinner that eve he ate squat.
.
fellow was going to bat
For a player who got in a spat.
He stirred up a ruckus
Said don’t try to fukkus
And got flipped by the ump tit for tat.
.
A girl who was fast on her feet
Offered a guy a quick treat
He accepted her offer
Reached into his coffer
And took his sweet treat in the seat.
.
A guy who was fast on his feet
Took advantage of a girl so sweet
When her father found out
He confronted the lout
Who took off with his prize still in heat.
.
A fellow was trying to dine
In a restaurant rated sublime
He ordered fine wine
But it turned into brine
And rendered him quickly supine.
.
A woman was trying to dine
In a restaurant that closes at nine.
She appealed to the cook
With skirt raised to her nook
Stay open and have a good time.
.
A woman who felt she’d been had
Rode a carpet to ancient Baghdad
When she woke from her dreams
Disappointed it seems
She was clutching her mouse and the pad.
.
A fellow who always seemed game
Had a perfectly awful first name.
When he started computin’
He discovered Rasputin
Whose name of ill fame was the same.
.
Once knew a girl named Barbara Jean
With initials like that the kids could be mean.
While her parents did Cupid
They named her quite stupid
And gave kids an excuse to tease her obscene.
.
For the banks Obama wants amnesty
And in the process will cause a travesty.
He seems not to care
And says to us how dare
You question his wholehearted honesty.
.
Telecommuting is gratefully cheap.
And a handsome profit we’re sure to reap.
With the price of gas so stubbornly steep
Sales will slow to a skimpy creep
Making oil companies certain to weep.
.
The deficit crisis is a phony
The Republicans are full of balony
They say we’ll crash and burn
Yet show so little concern
While they preach to us in sanctimony.
.
The Repubs come on so very pious
They threaten end times and say just try us
Take our plan or take the highway
They tell us nothing if not my way
For we’ll sink the country if you deny us.
.
Rain, rain go away
I have yard work to do today
If you stay and plan to harm me
I’ll write a limerick and form an army
That will protect me from the thunder
And mother nature’s Saturday blunder
Of course if rain you plan stay
I’ll sit at home and play, play, play.
.
Oh my gosh the deficit’s looming
In an economy that’s hardly booming
So the Repubs say let’s cut
The safety net they plan to gut
And leave us liberals hot and fuming.
.
Barack, Barack is now in hock
Since he betrayed his liberal flock
With the left he playfully toyed
Till they became profoundly annoyed
And now Barack they roundly mock.
.
A fellow was playing with fire
Could fall into circumstances dire
He risked his life
Cheating on his wife
And knew he was treading tightwire.
.
Praise the lord and hallelujah,
Barack Obama’s gonna stick it to ya.
He’s so wily
With a face all smiley
He’ll flash those teeth when he’s about to screw ya.
.
A fellow who always felt free
Managed a 4 AM tee
Though his wife would complain
And offered disdain
To the tee so free our fellow would flee.
.
John Boehner, Speaker of the House
Has shown himself to be a louse
Had an affair with a real hottie
Now his career is down the pottie
So binge he will in a month long souse.
 .
Ole’ John Beahner stuck his weiner
Just as soon as he had seen her
In hotels around the city
Exposed himself and what a pity
Cause now it’s back to Bowling Greener.
.
Anthony’s weiner made the news.
And gave the congressman the blues.
But everybody slips and falls
So that’s the time to show some balls.
And tell the world you’ve paid your dues.
.
A man who was proud of his clout
Paid cash so the law he could flout
But his reckless demeanor
Found a cop who was meaner
And threatened a clout to his snout.
 
From China a pol quite ambitious
Returned at a time most propitious
To enter the feud
That this Utah dude
Knew from the past would turn vicious.
 
The yard and grass are callin’
So go I must crestfallen
To cut the waiting grass
But alas I’m out of gas
So to a pack of brew I’m crawlin’.
 .
The governor of New Jersey Bill Christie
Has given his policy a new twisty
His state he withdraws from cap and trade
And no dissenter has hopes he can ever dissuade
The governor from filling the skies ever misty.
 
A fellow was hatching a plot
To quickly tie the knot
With a girl he adored
Who he little explored
But who came with a dowry and yacht.
 
A girl was hatching a plot
To find romance on a yacht
She soon realized
The plan she devised
Was so old that the Greeks had forgot.
 
A gal who seemed guileless and sweet
By a cute guy was swept off her feet
She accepted a date
Arrived home very late
To the wrath of her father complete.
 
There once was a man quite mellow
Who was deemed a remarkable fellow
He read every night
To his children’s delight
Since it kept him from playing his cello.
 
A man played classical cello
Until his green parrot turned yellow
To the big birds surprise
He was glad of the demise
Of the cello which was ground into jello.
 
A woman was fit to be tied
When told that her mate had just lied
He said he’d be working quite late
But came home in a drunken state
And to his regret he would never forget he ended up sleeping outside.
 
Greenspan’s invisible hand
Has caused damage across the land
And if it wasn’t for Al’s
Many CEO pals
The middle class would greatly expand.
 
Is the certificate valid asks the Trumpster
Or is Donald just being a munster
If Obama’s not lying
And the Donald keeps trying
The Trumpster could land in a dumpster.
 
The message of nobleman Trump
Has run into a terrible bump
Though the Donald is vying
To be president aspiring
The campaign of the Trump’s in a slump.
 
A gal who took pride in her style
Would walk everyday for a mile.
When her feet did get sore
At her sneakers she swore
And tossed them into a pile.
 
There once was a dame of some fame.
Who called herself by name of Mad Kane.
To speak of her madness I cannot refrain.
Though her verse is to blame,
It tickles my brain,
And keeps me from going insane.
 
A fellow was very upset
About a race on which he had bet.
When the horse on the track
Took a spot in the back
It left the man deeply in debt.
 
A fellow was terribly late
For notably beautiful date
When he arrived at her door
He was greeted by Al Gore
And his fate was no mate when he ate.
 
Make pre-marital sex a Fed crime
And impose on offenders a fine
It won’t change behavior
Laments AK’s savior
But the deficit’s sure to decline.
 
A gal who was painfully shy
Met a guy who twinkled her eye
In the heat of the night
They indulged with delight
And ne’er would two say good bye.
 
Eric Cantor would like to recant
Words that he spoke but he can’t
He said what he meant
When he told us get bent
With a harshly Republican slant.
 
When I started who could have predicted
With a disorder I would soon be afflicted
I have only to blame
Someone known as Mad Kane
And now I am totally addicted.
 
The Federal budget went bust
And fixing it is a must
But citizens take warning
Republicans are swarming
To leave us poor folks in the dust.
 
A man who ate only cuisine
He found in a chef’s magazine
He dined so refined
His maid would soon find
She served soup from a golden tureen.
 
A man was a very smart feller
Who hid all his food in a cellar
When it came time to eat
He downed spoiled meat
And smart feller became a fart smeller.
 
The rich took us all to the shed
And opened our veins till we bled
In return we said thanks
To all of the banks
And opened the vaults of the Fed.
 
The Court in Citizens United
Against the people it wrongly decided
It takes dollars to vote
They wrote in their note
To the rich in whom they confided.



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11 Comments to “Limericks 1”

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  9. I know what you mean. When you’re addicted to limericks and ignore other things like yard work, you can end up with a benign neglect forest.

  10. A fun selection of limericks!

    I keep wondering if I should apologize for getting you addicted. 🙂

    Thanks for participating in my latest Limerick-Off!

    • I’m easily addicted. Finally kicked the Sudoku habit though. Staying up late hooked on silly number puzzles got the better of me. Had to leave my office during the day and walk around the plant to keep from falling asleep at work.

      And now this time of year yard work beckons. The lawn is very uncooperative. Grows again every week. So I’m forced to keep my priorities straight.

      But the Limericks can be fun if you don’t get too involved.

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