Limericks 4

A woman was running around
With a guy who refused to be bound
By a ring on his finger.
So with others he’d linger
Till the woman a new guy she found.
.
A rumor was going around
‘Bout a gal whose assets astound.
She played with full vigor
Soon the guys would all dig her.
They admired her talents profound.
.
A woman was running around
With a really big hunting hound
The dog it would drag her
To a pound where she’d stagger.
As the hounds from the pound came unwound.
.
A rumor was going around
‘Bout a woman whose boat ran aground.
She waved to the guys
Who stared with wide eyes.
As she steered the boat toward a sand mound.
.
The rumor kept going around
‘Bout the gal now stuck on a mound.
She downed some hard liquor.
Her eyes would soon flicker.
On the mound in the sound her head would soon pound.
.
The rumor kept going around
‘Bout the woman now stuck in the sound.
She drank too much grog.
And was bound in a fog.
It took days for her head to rebound.
.
The rumor kept going around
‘Bout a gal who had a huge hound.
He jumped in the water.
On the mound he soon caught her.
And pulled her ashore fore she drowned.
.
A gal on a hunt for a sale
Went shopping each day without fail.
She found sales galore
But soon came to abhor
A habit she could not curtail.
.
A gal on a hunt for a sale.
Got a deal on a horse with no tail.
A horse I can’t use
But a buy can’t refuse
I’m just glad it wasn’t a whale.”
.
A gal on a hunt for a sale
Went to buy her horse a new tail.
She looked here and there
No avail to her mare.
Till she met a guy out for a sail.
.
A fellow went out for a sail
Saw a horse who was lacking a tail.
It swam for his boat
With the poor gal in tote.
Whom he rescued and plied with strong ale.
.
So the gal on a hunt for a sale.
Did the guy who went out for a sail.
Though the horse had no tail.
To the gal’s he’d avail
And happily they lived in this tall horse’s tale.
.
.
There once was a gal on committee
Who on children she took no pity.
If food they were craving.
They should money be saving.
Else stealing some food from the kitty.
.
The kitty was looking quite skinny.
Its purring was sounding right tinny.
For sure it must starve.
There’s no turkey to carve.
For to spare we don’t have a guinea.
.
The kitty was starting to growl.
Its sound soon rose to a howl.
It charged out the door.
Leaving marks on the floor.
Having visions of killing a fowl.
.
The cat charged a chicken quite stricken.
A struggle ensued that would sicken.
But the cat filled its belly
That jiggled like jelly
And its paws the cat was soon lickin’.
.
If it waited for stamps
It would die with harsh cramps.
So on the hunt it did go
With no burden in tow
And rummaged through garbage at fish camps.
.
The kitty was starting to growl.
Its sound soon rose to a howl.
It charged out the door.
Leaving marks on the floor.
Having visions of killing a fowl.
.
The cat charged a chicken quite stricken.
A struggle ensued that would sicken.
But the cat filled its belly
That jiggled like jelly
And its paws the cat was soon lickin’.
.
If it waited for stamps
It would die of harsh cramps.
So on the hunt it did go
With no burden in tow
And rummaged through trash at fish camps.
.
.
The president hates White House leaks
That seem to occur when he speaks.
He blows up just like fission
Cause they mess up his mission.
And send gray through his hair in wide streaks.
.
A woman who always wore blue
Gave the guys a colorful view.
She donned a new thong
And turned on a throng
Of Frenchmen who gasped “O mon Dieu.”
.
A fellow who always wore blue
Till it grew to a hue he would rue.
Never ever a prude
He pranced around nude
Saying blue never got me a screw.
.
.
A rep by name of amorous Enos
Had a truly enormous penis
God help us that thing’s prodigious.”
Gals always said something religious.
Pray let him come stiffly between us.”
.
Now Enos was glad that size didn’t matter.
His asset could fill a turkey platter.
The gals of course could not resist
And Enos so blessed would not desist.
‘Round the town his seed he’d scatter.
.
A tool of truly Biblical proportions
Often requires gymnastic contortions.
But Enos was a man quite clever
And disappoint a gal he’d never.
His body he’d twist in amazing distortions.
.
He had to invent a new position.
So blessed he was with ammunition.
To please the gals in every way
From a chandelier he’d often sway
And leave the gals in burned out condition.
.
Five at a time he could not endure
So Enos returned to his usual four.
The gals would shriek with joyous thrill
So completely did he eagerly fulfill.
Alas not Enos but his penis did the gals adore.
..
Enos of course was a politician
Whose job in DC was submission
Of all women compliant
Till he met one defiant
Who revealed his sins of commission.
.
Enos of course was sent packing
His work in the House sorely lacking
The voters rebelled
From his seat they expelled
Poor Enos as the whip they were cracking.
.
.
Lyin’ Ryan’s stupefyin’
In 2016 he’ll be tryin,
To win his run for all the gold
And shape the country in Ayn Rand’s mold.
The rest of us in a pan left fryin’.
.
Good Bye, Rudolph.
 
A fellow who frequently blows
His very large reindeer nose
Took a plug from his pocket
Stuck it into a socket.
Now his nose red as Rudolph’s it glows.
.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
With a reindeer famed for his nose
Left Rudolph quite stricken
As Santa was picken’.
A new nose from the pack soon arose.
.
 
 
rudolph 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.
His nose Rudolph frequently blows
As huge tears from his eyes soon arose.
His bags he must pack.
Santa cut him no slack.
It was Rudolph’s the new nose would depose.
.
Now poor Rudolph frequently blows
His nose till it’s red as a rose.
His nose he kept lickin’
Said “it’s better than pickin’.
A new song someone needs to compose.”
.
Paul Ryan is helping the poor
By giving to them once more
A GOP hosing
By simply proposing
A phony agenda for sure.
.
His Path To Prosperity bull
Will surely keep rich pockets full.
With deals he will ax
From a rich man’s tax
While wool over eyes he will pull.
.
The bull he’s still throwing at us.
And no one is raising a fuss.
With outlandish acclaim
He achieves right wing fame
With plans he will never discuss.
.
A fellow who’d just come to blows
Gave his wife a mean bloody nose.
He’s a terrible lout
A GOPer no doubt
Whose running for Senate in Maine snows.
.
There once was a pirate named Jamie.
Who practiced an art quite gamey.
He would rob and pillage
From city to village
And claim, “There’s no law so don’t blame me.”
.
A fellow was warned in advance
But decided to still take a chance
He hit on a gal
In a seedy locale.
Sister Agnes looked at him askance.
.
A woman refused an advance
From a guy at a neighborhood dance.
That’d be the day
I ever will pay
Attention to a suave fancy pants.”
.
A gal got a tiny advance
From a boss who then took a chance.
If to my place you’ll come
I will pay a tidy sum.
For a night of thrilling romance.”
.
The gal with the tiny advance.
Told her boss to shove his romance
The money is spent
So you can get bent.
And I have a new job in finance.”
A woman who frequently strips
Does daily exercise flips.
She strips in her yard
Without any regard.
After flips, in her pool skinny dips..
.
A woman who frequently strips
Set a record for fastest unzips.
She thinks it’s real cool
As guys drool at the pool.
When she dips her thong slips from her hips.
.
A man was enjoying some strips
At a pool where gals showed their hips
His wife grabbed his ear
His eyes widened in fear
When she said “old man come to grips.”
.
A woman who frequently strips
At a pool as the guys all do flips.
As she strips to her thong
Bells in heads go bong, bong.
When she dips her thong slips from her hips.
.
There once was a guy who’d struggle
With the clasp of a bra he’d juggle
He struggled to grasp
The ends of the clasp
Till finally he said “let’s just snuggle.”
.
There once was a guy who would tumble
In the sack with a gal but he’d fumble
When her legs she would splay
He went quickly astray
What a bumbling dumb fool,” she would mumble.
.
There once was a gal named Mable,
Told a story that wasn’t a fable.
As she started to dance
She’d take off her pants
And get laid on the kitchen table.
.
There once was a gal named Jenny,
Who kissed all the guys for a penny.
When her lips they got sore
She would kiss them no more
But never did she know how many.
.
There once was a jester named Lester
Who wanted a stringent sequester.
The name of the game
For Lester was fame.
Which he earned as he spoke till he’d fester.
 
jester
 
 
The jester may well be named Cruz.
In the Senate he lit up a fuse.
His name he’d defame
But to him all the same.
He showed himself hardly a muse.
.
He conducted a long filibuster.
The Tea Party ’round him would cluster.
With the toss of the dice.
He could name a high price.
As votes from the right he could muster.
 
 
.
A fellow was terribly lax
Playing fast and loose with the facts
His jiggered conclusion
Proved quite a delusion.
To the revenue man he owed the tax.
 
A woman who longed to relax
Thought of reading a book from her stacks.
She reached to the top
Before taking a flop.
Decided instead she’d have snacks.
.
A woman who longed to relax
Smoked by the carton not packs.
She started to choke.
From all of the smoke.
For polluting she paid a huge carbon tax.
.
There once was a schmuck had a duck.
The duck wouldn’t quack it would cluck.
He went to a vet
Who wanted to get
The duck with the schmuck to upchuck.
.
In his throat the duck got muck stuck.
It was simply a case of bad luck.
He ate from a pile
Then after awhile
The duck with the cluck ran amok.
.
Because the poor thing wouldn’t quack.
The schmuck locked the duck in a shack.
When free of his tethers
The duck pulled out his feathers.
And was ready to stew for a snack.
.
The duck made a wonderful stew.
The schmuck ate it in haste with a brew.
Infected with staph
The duck had the last laugh
When the schmuck with the duck ate the stew he up threw.
.
The schmuck with the duck still had no clue
And the day that they met he soon came to rue.
For the duck was a mean and heartless gift.
From a woman who was uncontrollably miffed.
It came from his ex who’d turned into a shrew.
.
There once was a gal with a pucker.
Who turned out to be quite a sucker
For a guy with a line
And a bottle of wine.
He would take her back home and then tucker.
Yes take her back home and tucker.
With her face in a frozen pucker.
He took off her clothes
But God only knows
He tried but he couldn’t quite pluck ‘er

The gal with the pucker named Tucker
Had a mom whose an over-road trucker.
The mother would drive
Thru the night sakes alive
Eating PB with jelly by Smucker.

So mom was a real Mother Tucker
Who from men she sought nightly succor.
She’d take them to bed
Not a one did she wed.
No man Mother Tucker would let buck ‘er.
.
In heaven the gates had a line.
A woman waiting started to whine.
I’ve been good all my life.
Don’t deserve all this strife.”
Said St. Pete, “We do it online.”
.
In heaven the software is slow.
God contracted a firm far below.
He accepted the blame
For what was a shame.
The free market has lost all its glow.
.
God was pissed to the rafter
About his new website drafter
When they get up to Me
He said righteously
From heaven there’ll be no laughter.”
.
In line was a gal from New Bern
Who waited so long for her turn
That she grew a mustache
Then said with panache
The longer I wait the less I will burn.”
.
The gal from New Bern heard the chime.
It was time to face up to her crime.
You’ve been a bad girl,” said St. Pete.
On your husband you often did cheat.”
But come up and see me some time.”
.
A gal was enjoying a fall
Festival at a large mall
She drank hard rum cider
Too much woe betide her
At a stall took a fall with legs all asprawl.
.
A fellow who’d taken a fall
For a gal who was seven feet tall
Though short as an elf
Was proud of himself
With his talents the gal he’d enthrall.
.
A fellow who’d taken a fall
For a friend who stayed late at a ball.
Went out with his wife
Had the time of his life.
And said “I was never St. Paul.”
.
A gal who was rather a crab
Dressed in clothes that were terribly drab
She never wore makeup
Till she had a big breakup
Then flipped and turned drab into fab.
.
A fellow who’d frequently crab
Bout his gal who would dress awfully drab.
Till at last she said “Honey,
You don’t think it funny
When I take off my clothes and you grab.”
.
A woman enjoying some crab,
Placed a live one on a stone slab.
The crab grabbed for her chest
Its claw clamped on her breast.
Where today she still has a sore scab..
A woman did it on a dare.
Shaved off all her pubic hair.
Here’s a story not oft’ told.
Soon she caught an awful cold.
‘Cause now it gets real chilly there.
.
If you think this story dumb
‘Bout the gal shaved ‘neath her bum.
It’s true I say in total sum.
For now she’ll sneeze instead of cum.
.
‘Cause ‘tween her legs strange noise emits
Whenever atop a man she sits.
What was that,” the guys would shout.
Something’s odd down there no doubt.”
I shaved it off because it pleases.”
Now poor thing it always sneezes.”
Beware, true words we shall not flout.
As stranger things soon came about.
.
Her shaved bottom had no match..
The cold it caught all could catch.
The guys she slept with were made fools.
For all a cold had gripped their tools
Which sneezed and sneezed while in her snatch.
.
This story’s true, you can believe.
It’s not my purpose to deceive.
So now you know you must beware
That when you shave your pubic hair
You cannot know what you’ll receive.
.
So now please take this sound advice.
Keep it trim and looking nice.
For if you shave it smooth as ice,
You then must pay a frightful price.
.
A cold down there can really bite.
You’ll have to hide, stay out of site.
So if your tempted, best think twice.
A little hair can well entice.
.
A cold no drug can ever cure.
A cold down there you must endure.
So don’t expose it to a breeze
That’s when it will likely sneeze.
So stay you must behind closed door.
.
When at last you do come out
Do not shake it all about.
For friends will no doubt quickly shun you.
They’ll fear a cold be catching from you.
And think of you an awful lout.
.
A woman was roasting a ham
On a spit beside a huge dam
The dam when it burst
Relieved her harsh thirst
Then after the ham she vigorously swam.
.
A man was a terrible ham
Showing off his physique as he swam
He swam in a lake
The home of a snake
The snake in the lake of the ham he made spam.
.
A woman was roasting a ham
In an oven beside a giant clam.
The clam was alive
She learned half past five.
When the clam ate the ham while enjoying a yam.
.
A woman encountered a snake
In a bar where thirst she would slake
The snake then said “hi”
Some drinks I will buy.
If to bed you allow me to take.
.
A woman encountered a snake
She told him his drink she would take.
She downed it with zest
And then told the pest
Why don’t you go jump in a lake.”
.
A woman encountered a snake
Who showed her a fruit to betake.
She gobbled it up
Then took some to sup.
Where Adam would also partake.
.
A woman encountered a snake
Whose drinks would make her head ache.
She downed them with glee
And then went to pee.
In the restroom she took a long break.
.
A fellow was buying a place
In a zone that was known to be base.
Smart as a fox
He changed all the locks
Lost his keys when a thug gave him chase.
.
Two women were sharing a place
So small they had no private space.
They dated big guys
So it was no surprise
When Ted and Bob slept with Carol and Grace.
.
A gal was rewarded first place
In a contest to see who could race
To the finish line first
While quenching their thirst
With brandy all drank from a case.
.
Never had a Coke and rum
Prefer a drink a bit more hearty
That’s the way to start a party
Though they say good rum will numb.
.
Four and twenty black birds 10 ounce glass of rye.
That’ll turn your nose red my oh my oh my.
Next a spot of good scotch
That makes your face a blotch
Pray the Lord will gently set you safely down to lie.
.
.
There once was a guy from Peru
Who added some brew to a stew.
He sipped it for taste
Then added with haste
More brew to the stew which soon he would rue.
.
The stew with the brew soon started to spew
A heap of malt liquor as the stew it grew
To a mountain of foam
That soon filled the home
Which to clean to a gleam took a little gnome’s crew.
.
The guy from Peru flew into the foam.
Which mixed with the stew and turned into loam.
From the loam rose a gnome
With a heavenly dome.
The gnome with the dome said “my name is Jerome.”
.
The gnome named Jerome flew in from Rome.
Not on a plane but a magic comb.
He sat on a chair
And announced with a flair.
The stew with the foam made my day in the loam.
.
Jerome sipped the foam that grew in the loam.
He fell from the chair and broke the Rome comb.
He then broke as well his heavenly crown.
Now Jerome is a gnome of worldwide renown.
Jerome from Rome is a bald headed gnome.
.
The comb for Jerome was now of no use.
It broke in the loam from constant abuse.
The gnome from Rome was fit to die.
He had no means with which to fly.
For Jerome the Soused there was no excuse.
.
Jerome with no comb said in drunken despair
The crown of renown now has no hair.
In deeper despair, he was said to bemoan
He lost it alone in the loam with the foam.
Now the dome of Jerome shines with bald headed glare.
.
It is there in the loam that Jerome now resides.
A life now fickle that rolls with the tides.
For the foam in the loam
Birthed a drunken gnome
Whose sotted behavior the world now derides.
.
.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who bumped his head on a bucket.
That rusty old pail
It hung from a nail.
Were he nimbler he could easily duck it.
.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who got his ass stuck in a bucket.
I’m sorry to say,
It spoiled his whole day.
His butt from the bucket he couldn’t unpluck it.
.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who got his head stuck in a bucket.
Oh what a sight
As his head it stuck tight.
And no one could hear him say fuck it.
.
There once was a gal cooked a stew.
She did it while sipping a brew.
It went to her head
In a moment of dread
She saw birds from the stew whence they flew.
.
A fellow was trying to fix
A gas engine making loud ticks.
He lit up a smoke
The end was no joke.
There are much better ways to get kicks.
.
A woman who needed a fix
Walked the street while plying for tricks
She got caught by a cop
Who told her to stop
Then cuffed her with several quick clicks.
.
A man who demands a quick fix
Was told by his honey nix nix
It’s time for a nap
Stop being a sap
Whack your stick on a pile of bricks.
.
A. Weiner’s weiner’s in the pubic domain.
And there for eternity it shall remain.
He’s showed it so often
It goes hard to soften
So quickly his lovers complain with disdain.
.
Nothing’s as funny as an old-fashioned joke
Told in a bar by a half drunken bloke
The guys all laugh, it’s really a riot
If you haven’t done it, you gotta try it.
So bring your best funnies and make the place smoke.
.
A good, old joke never grows stale
After you’ve had a few pints of ale.
Who cares if you’ve heard it five times before
No one will ever show you the door.
So raise your glass to an old joke all hail.
.
Ode to a Vibrating Bicycle Seat
 
A great idea for Anthony Weiner
For this lost soul what could be keener
Once off his popular Internet beat
He’d strap the thing on to a bicycle seat.
Since nothing’s displayed he’d be much less obscener.
.
A woman who scored really high
In a swimsuit at the beach with her guy.
She hit a true nine
And with him that was fine
But the guy took a fly ’cause genius she was nigh.
.
A woman was flying quite high
As a muscular guy passed by
He gave her a look
Head to toe she soon shook
But the schnook never even said “hi.”
.
A fellow who never said “hi”
To a gal on the beach he passed by.
Said so sorry my dear,
You may think this is queer.
But I’m married to a wonderful guy.
.
There once was a dude quite crude
Who often pranced around nude.
With assets astonishing
But a wife admonishing
The dude so imbued found a feud soon ensued.
.
A man gave a ball a hard kick
While playing on grass very slick.
He fell on his butt
Then got up with a strut.
The ball in the goal did he stick.
.
A woman had gotten a kick
Out of drinking herself half sick.
On liquor she’d fawn
Sprawled on the front lawn
Till dawn when her head felt like brick.
.
A woman was trying to kick
A habit that oft make her sick
I’ll quit one day soon
But for now I’ll just swoon
One more day won’t matter a lick.”
.
A woman was trying to kick
A habit that oft made her sick
Started drinking at noon
Soon howled at the moon
Off the ground herself she could hardly pick.
.
A woman had gotten a kick
Out of drinking herself half sick.
On liquor she’d fawn
Sprawled on the front lawn
Till dawn when her head felt like brick.
.
A woman was trying to kick
A habit that oft make her sick
I’ll quit one day soon
But for now I’ll just swoon
One more day won’t matter a lick.”
.
A woman felt terribly bored
Went out and acted untoward
When offered some liquor
Than candy much quicker
Her actions next day she deplored.
.
A fellow who slept on a board
Tossed from bed by his wife cuz he snored.
He took a hard drink
And before he could blink
Slept floored on the board in distress he ignored.
.
A gal on a corporate board
Opposed actions she rightly deplored.
In dissent she was mired
Until she was fired.
With the board she could reach no accord.
.
A fellow who worked at a bar
Served drinks to a Hollywood star.
He was struck by her beauty
Performed acrobatically his duty
In the back of a foreign sports car.
.
A woman was holding a bar
Fixing four flats on her car.
They were caused by commotion
From heated devotion
Making love to a wacky guitar.
.
A woman decided to bar
Sex habits she knew were bizarre.
It was quirky for sure
But she’d always adore
Getting laid in the seat of her car.
.
John Boehner went down in flames.
And it’s Dems of course who he blames.
He took one for the team
And with eyes now agleam
Just one more Jim Beam he exclaims!
 
***
 
Ode to Toilet Paper
By John Seats
.
Pity the poor trees from which it is made.
A hat tip for a price well paid.
Pulp to paper how they must suffer.
Ever willing to be our soft buffer.
Rejoice! As they keep us prim, comfy and staid.
 
***
 
Phone snooping has come to the fore.
Very soon they’ll come through the door.
The lock it won’t matter.
The windows they’ll shatter.
Snatching info once private galore.
.
The world’s biggest snooper scooper
Has committed a planet wide blooper.
The lips once sealed
Have suddenly squealed.
And revealed a spy super-duper.
.
Whose looking about to cast blame.
Why it’s none other than John S. McCain.
And why can you guess?
‘Cause he’s on Meet the Press.
More face time on TV he’ll gain.
.
A woman quite often arose
With a nose that lit up in strange glows
Could it be the red wine
The yellow scotch that was fine
Or drinking gin from a tin in copious flows.
.
A woman reserved several rows
At a game played by tough hockey pros
It was just her bad luck
Got smacked by the puck
With pluck she stuck hose to stop flows from her nose.
.
A fellow who frequently rows
Got a hole in a boat wouldn’t close
The water spritzed in
So he reached for the gin
On his toes he’d expose a brilliant red nose.
.
Daddy’s the president that’s for sure.
He’s the man we all adore.
But daddy’s doing a very bad thing.
He thinks that mommy’s having a fling.
So he bugs her phone and wires her door.
.
Listening in is a big time bore.
So far he’s gotten an occasional snore.
Now a captive of NSA fools
He’s used as one of their many tools.
A warrior in a war we all deplore.
.
So Congress knows he’s snooping about
To catch an imaginary terrorist lout
He snoops and launches deadly drones
As the watching world with pity bemoans.
The endless war to whose cause he’s devout.
.
Congress declares his actions legal
So does his primary legal eagle.
So snooping about the country proceeds
Discarding the people’s privacy needs.
The president you see wears a crown now regal.
.
A woman was filing a suit
‘Gainst a guy she thought was a brute
He treated her poorly
And angered her sorely
Till the suit showed the brute’s disrepute.
.
A fellow was hit by a suit
By a gal he thought was real cute
He made a fast past
Got a kick in the ass
She proved a tough cookie, no dispute.
.
A gal rented space built to suit
A woman of royal repute
After flaunting her wares
Found a rich coot who cares.
Took his loot and gave him the boot.
.
A gal was convinced she was ill
After drinking a gallon of swill
It wasn’t the drink
Turned her face deep red pink
But the thrill of hot nights in steamy Brazil.
.
A gal would pretend to be ill,
Then said “Phil I’m not on the pill.”
To her utter dismay
He went on his way
Plan B was the drill after nights of sweet thrill.
.
A fellow who often spoke ill
Of gals who weren’t on the pill.
Said he wasn’t a putz
Took a cut to the nuts
And lay down with no worry at will.
.
Capitalism is good, it’s also great.
An idea to which you should hitch your fate
It makes bucks for the wealthy
It’s for you to stay healthy
To earn your small share of rice on a plate.
.
A mom at the end of her rope
With five kids she barely could cope
With hubby she’d cuddle
Her brain in a muddle
When came six she said “What a dope.”
.
The kids she loved though they’d mope.
Getting ready for school she lost all hope
Each morning’s a mess
She had to confess
But soon she’d soak in a tub of bath soap.
.
A fellow was trying to buff
Golf balls he found in the rough.
After dumping in mush
He scrubbed with a brush
Till fed up he said that’s quite enough.
.
A savvy astronomy buff
Was giving a speech off the cuff.
He said to his class
You get energy from mass.
If not careful you’ll out the world snuff.
.
A fellow was trying to buff
His car with a girl’s powder puff.
Didn’t know how he got
For last night he forgot it
But the girl in the car was really hot stuff.
.
A girl was trying to buff
Her nose with a soiled powder puff
It smelled of car polish
And would surely demolish
Her skin and make it rough stuff.
.
A woman was trying to ink
A deal to put her in pink
The producer no sap
Made her sit on his lap
In return for he gave her a mink.
.
A fellow was hoping to ink
A deal with a gal outta sync
They lay on the floor
Till she cried out “no more”
But I will have another mixed drink.”
.
A woman was trying to ink
A deal with a real rat fink.
She lay on the floor
And he cried out “more, more”
Then he signed with out even a blink.
.
A gal got a guy to ink
A deal from which he would shrink.
You know I can please
So no more will I tease.”
Her wink got the ink before he could think.
.
For Dad’s Day a cookout’s a great feast
Revelers could drink like a veritable beast
A few beers no more were really just great
No burgers however the celebrants ate.
Kept franks on the grill till sunrise at least.
.
Dad had a fine day that’s for sure
Remained sober though it was a chore
Under a warning from a loving wife
No misbehaving if you cherish your life
Keep a clear head or you’ll be drinking no more.
.
A fellow went down to the pound
To snare a fair hunting hound
He came away with a mutt
Who would fill his huge gut
And settle on a bed to lay around.
.
A fellow was trying to pound
A steel stake for his hound in the ground.
No hunter this dog
Who eats like a hog
Then chases fair females around.
.
A woman bought less than a pound
Of ingredients to make a cake round
When she added the rum
She started to hum
Who needs cake with a liquor renowned.
.
A professor would often expound
’bout a dog he found at the pound
His firm exclamation
Told of a Dalmatian
Whose playing around made the prof come unwound.
.
A fellow who took many trips
Got sequestered and did double flips
He went into a rage
Was put in a cage
Before finally coming to grips.
.
A gal who enjoys taking trips
Before boarding had too many nips
She’d flirt without shame
But took all the blame
For kissing the guys with hot lips.
.
A gal who enjoys taking trips
To warm climes to take naked dips
She was really a tease
No guy would she please
Left the water and gave them all flips.
.
A gal who enjoys taking trips
Gave a bartender really big tips
She gave him her number
An invitation to slumber
While his pants she dreamily unzips.
.
A woman was trying to stack
A snack on a fellow named Jack
It would flow down below
And she watched his Joe grow
Saying Jack such a snack gives no slack.
.
A fellow was trying to stack
Whipped cream on a lady’s back
All the wriggling and jiggling
Had set her to giggling
Saying Jack please finish your snack.
.
A woman was trying to stack
Party snacks on a serving rack
She dropped to the floor
Saying oh please no more
This is no time for hitting the sack.
.
A woman who likes to eat stews
‘Cause it helped her to deal with the blues.
She ate at a diner
Along with a miner
Whose advances she couldn’t refuse.
.
A fellow who likes to eats stews
Dined with a six pack of brews
The result he’d predict
Such a mix would inflict
A belly full of really bad news.
.
A fellow who frequently stews
‘Bout a gal who mailed him bad news
Says he wasn’t Dear Johned
No this news from the blond
Said the stick with her stuff just gives her the blues.
..
They always seemed to be so hoaky
Those folks who joined the karaoke
With never a band
But a drink in hand
Sang out of tune in a room quite smokey.
.
They sang in voices often croaky
Those folks who joined the karaoke
They took the dare
With never a care
But should have danced the hokey-pokey.
.
My brain has finally turned smokey
Trying to rhyme with karaoke
Starting to feel like a real deal nerd
Searching for the right rhyming word
I’ll have to settle for mopey okey-dokey.
.
A fellow would constantly hum
A tune while banging a drum.
His gal it annoyed
With an idea she toyed.
Finally stuffed in his mouth a ripe plum.
.
A gal was annoyed by a hum
It began to make her feel glum.
It came from next door
Neighbors rolled on the floor.
To her craving she’d finally succumb.
.
A guy was annoyed by a hum
As his gal chewed a big wad of gum
She’d tweet like a dove
As he tried to make love
For his efforts she seemed to turn numb.
.
A gal would constantly hum
In her garden-she had a green thumb.
She did it while nude
But it started a feud.
Among guys who got drunk on cheap rum.
.
In her garden the weed that she grew
She’d often times put in a stew
She shared it with Harry
The beau she would marry.
So served to poor Harry both stew and a screw.
.
She shared her garden with Tom, Dick and Harry.
Though she refused steadfastly to marry.
The weed that she grew
She’d put in a stew
.
With delight the girls would squeal
While all around the bush we’d feel.
Pleasure for sure that caused no harm
In tall grass near the barn of a farm
There their charms the girls would reveal.
.
Not to fret for it’s fun to pet.
And these are times we’d n’eer not forget.
So of these moments don’t despair
In love we know that all is fair.
In years to come we’d have no regret.
.
When movement afar I’d one day spy.
My girl and I had a ready reply.
We came to see a circling crow
And watch the pretty daisies grow.
But rumpled grass did our lie deny.
.
A gal who was rather ill-bred
For some reason likes to bake bread
Rolls dough ‘tween her fingers
Has dreams while it lingers
Then sticks in the oven instead.
.
A gal who liked to bake bread
On which she always would spread
A gob of cream cheese
For her fellows to please
One bite would bring things to a head.
.
A man who was rather ill-bred
Had a fetish for gals who baked bread
With fantasies wild
The gals always smiled
As he fed them the bread while in bed.
.
Italian voters have come to their senses.
Elected a member with no pretenses.
A comic he was to be sure
With politics a recent detour.
Against him the bankers raised high fences.
.
Nothing quite like the fall of snow
In spring when leaves and flowers glow.
It’s sad to watch them wither away
Though all return another day,
This fleeting mix makes a wondrous show.
.
Can it be, is that more snow?
After lilacs burst in a purple show.
Forsythia blossoms grasp drifting flakes
Before wind from leaves the snow it shakes.
As wintry gusts white powder blow.
.
Shoveling again my back it breaks.
Three ibuprofen it always takes
To settle the lingering pains and aches.
.
But nature grants a gift that’s priceless.
Without it life would be so spiceless.
Our thanks for rebirth to goddess Isis.
.
A woman was trying to read
The mind of a guy she would need.
She had to get paid
If he hoped to get laid
On the money they hardly agreed.
.
A fellow was trying to read
While snacking on junk at light speed.
His face was so bloated
With cheeks that were coated.
The crumbs to a horse he could feed.
.
A gal who was terribly bold
Went skating on a night very cold
She worked up a sweat
Removed clothes on a bet
Skated naked – what a sight to behold.
.
A man who was terribly bold
On a corner a weed he sold
A cop came along
Said you don’t belong
But light up and we’ll both be consoled.
.
Marco Rubio’s a real pip.
Hasn’t even become minority whip.
Yet look what he says
He’s running for prez.
Yet for people he couldn’t give a rip.
.
In the Big Apple he shakes down for dough
Making ready for a really big show.
A King says he nuts
But the guy’s got some guts.
He’ll snatch the dough then town he’ll blow.
.
A fellow was planning his flight
After robbing a bank with delight
He brought with him his keys
Then raised everyone’s fees
Took his cash to the Caymans one night.
.
A woman was planning her flight
Sweet Alice was seeking delight
She packed her fine scanties
Matching bras and silk panties
Seeking pleasures anew day and night.
.
A fellow was planning his flight
With Alice who proved quite a sight.
He dreamed of new pleasure
Delight beyond measure
Cialis for Alice his flame did ignite.
.
A fellow was catching some rays
Spied a gal who gave him a gaze.
He said babe you look fine
I’ll buy dinner and wine.
Then later in bed she’d amaze.
.
A woman was catching some rays
On days when the sun was ablaze
She turned a bright red
Couldn’t lie down in bed.
Poor hubby was left with his raise.
.
Some say Boehner has a functioning brain
Possibly true but it’s certainly lame.
If he had an idea that was worth a cent
Unkind it would be for us all to resent
When a mind worth a penny he’d proudly proclaim.
.
The Trump is an angry bear.
Accused of having orangutan hair.
His voice is still shrill
He’s suing for five mill.
But he won’t get a dime on a dare.
.
A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of a woman cold as a stone
Found her proper and staid
So he couldn’t get laid.
She brought gals to her bed when alone.
.
A fellow who felt like a drone
Was left in a bar all alone.
His flame in a state
A hot date would deflate
And leave him half drunk to bemoan.
.
A woman who’d constantly drone
Of hot sex on her steamy cell phone
Would brag so absurd
So everyone heard
When the drone on the phone turned to moan.
.
A woman would constantly drone
Of her love for Sylvester Stallone
She would take him to bed
In an instant, instead
Went to sleep with a dreamy sweet groan.
.
A guy who was wearing a tie
So awful he couldn’t deny
It should have been trashed
Cause the colors all clashed
And it looked like a burnt pizza pie
.
A gal who was wearing a tie
Top a dress seen through by the eye.
She knew her sheer sheath
Showed two things beneath
A firm bust of an ample supply.
.
A fellow was trying to tie
His shoes after drinking some rye.
He felt like a jerk
Cause it just wouldn’t work
The rye made him fly clear up to the sky.
.
A woman was trying to tie
The knot with a guy who was sly
The lady was slick
She knew every trick
I’m late cause of you can’t deny.
..
A gal who was recently canned
Took a job at a club that was banned
When she stripped to her toes
The customers all froze
From her toes to her nose she was beautifully tanned.
.
A man who was recently canned
Worked a club the cops had just banned
T’was a stripper you see
Made gals howl with glee
But his tail back to jail the law did remand.
.
A gal who was recently canned
Her pay she would loudly demand
The boss said you’ll get it
But mine first or forget it
She said fella I’m not grazing land.
.
A man who was recently canned
From a job he just could not stand
Worked all day in fish muck
Until he would chuck
Finally took a safe job on dry land.
.
A woman was served something canned
Contained horse meat that once had been banned.
She rose with a shout
Soon cantered about
Joined the fifth at Belmont, won a grand.
.
A fellow stepped into the hall
Effects of Cialis clear to all
He began to sway
And soon lost his way
Left his mistress waiting to ball.
.
A woman stepped into the hall
With spiked heels and suffered a fall
Completely undressed
And highly distressed
Needing ice for her double highball.
.
A woman stepped into the hall
Tripped over a guy legs asprawl
To her pleasant distraction
He was ready action
Her yearnings she could not forestall.
.
A woman had planned to come clean
Of behavior she knew was quite mean
She slept round galore
Many more past four score
Then said “screw clean this fun is too keen.”
.
A fellow had planned to come clean
Of his sexual addiction supreme
But soon he’d discover
There under the cover
Was his wife with the other fifteen.
.
The trillion dollar coin has been nixed
So the debt ceiling now can’t be fixed.
Republicans are firm
Making Democrats squirm
But views on the outcome are still mixed.
.
The rich are in a pickle
With debt ceiling policy now fickle
Where to put all the dough
When government stops the flow
Of interest on bonds that won’t earn a nickel.
.
Mitch McConnell mixed a Viagra
With his Flomax; now goes like Niagara.
To the restroom he keeps dashing
His swollen pants can’t keep from flashing
A bump like a corn ear from ConAgra.
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