A woman was running around With a guy who refused to be bound By a ring on his finger. So with others he’d linger Till the woman a new guy she found. . A rumor was going around ‘Bout a gal whose assets astound. She played with full vigor Soon the guys would all dig her. They admired her talents profound. . A woman was running around With a really big hunting hound The dog it would drag her To a pound where she’d stagger. As the hounds from the pound came unwound. . A rumor was going around ‘Bout a woman whose boat ran aground. She waved to the guys Who stared with wide eyes. As she steered the boat toward a sand mound. . The rumor kept going around ‘Bout the gal now stuck on a mound. She downed some hard liquor. Her eyes would soon flicker. On the mound in the sound her head would soon pound. . The rumor kept going around ‘Bout the woman now stuck in the sound. She drank too much grog. And was bound in a fog. It took days for her head to rebound. . The rumor kept going around ‘Bout a gal who had a huge hound. He jumped in the water. On the mound he soon caught her. And pulled her ashore fore she drowned. . A gal on a hunt for a sale Went shopping each day without fail. She found sales galore But soon came to abhor A habit she could not curtail. . A gal on a hunt for a sale. Got a deal on a horse with no tail. “A horse I can’t use But a buy can’t refuse I’m just glad it wasn’t a whale.” . A gal on a hunt for a sale Went to buy her horse a new tail. She looked here and there No avail to her mare. Till she met a guy out for a sail. . A fellow went out for a sail Saw a horse who was lacking a tail. It swam for his boat With the poor gal in tote. Whom he rescued and plied with strong ale. . So the gal on a hunt for a sale. Did the guy who went out for a sail. Though the horse had no tail. To the gal’s he’d avail And happily they lived in this tall horse’s tale. . . There once was a gal on committee Who on children she took no pity. If food they were craving. They should money be saving. Else stealing some food from the kitty. . The kitty was looking quite skinny. Its purring was sounding right tinny. For sure it must starve. There’s no turkey to carve. For to spare we don’t have a guinea. . The kitty was starting to growl. Its sound soon rose to a howl. It charged out the door. Leaving marks on the floor. Having visions of killing a fowl. . The cat charged a chicken quite stricken. A struggle ensued that would sicken. But the cat filled its belly That jiggled like jelly And its paws the cat was soon lickin’. . If it waited for stamps It would die with harsh cramps. So on the hunt it did go With no burden in tow And rummaged through garbage at fish camps. . The kitty was starting to growl. Its sound soon rose to a howl. It charged out the door. Leaving marks on the floor. Having visions of killing a fowl. . The cat charged a chicken quite stricken. A struggle ensued that would sicken. But the cat filled its belly That jiggled like jelly And its paws the cat was soon lickin’. . If it waited for stamps It would die of harsh cramps. So on the hunt it did go With no burden in tow And rummaged through trash at fish camps. . . The president hates White House leaks That seem to occur when he speaks. He blows up just like fission Cause they mess up his mission. And send gray through his hair in wide streaks. . A woman who always wore blue Gave the guys a colorful view. She donned a new thong And turned on a throng Of Frenchmen who gasped “O mon Dieu.” . A fellow who always wore blue Till it grew to a hue he would rue. Never ever a prude He pranced around nude Saying blue never got me a screw. . . A rep by name of amorous Enos Had a truly enormous penis “God help us that thing’s prodigious.” Gals always said something religious. “Pray let him come stiffly between us.” . Now Enos was glad that size didn’t matter. His asset could fill a turkey platter. The gals of course could not resist And Enos so blessed would not desist. ‘Round the town his seed he’d scatter. . A tool of truly Biblical proportions Often requires gymnastic contortions. But Enos was a man quite clever And disappoint a gal he’d never. His body he’d twist in amazing distortions. . He had to invent a new position. So blessed he was with ammunition. To please the gals in every way From a chandelier he’d often sway And leave the gals in burned out condition. . Five at a time he could not endure So Enos returned to his usual four. The gals would shriek with joyous thrill So completely did he eagerly fulfill. Alas not Enos but his penis did the gals adore. .. Enos of course was a politician Whose job in DC was submission Of all women compliant Till he met one defiant Who revealed his sins of commission. . Enos of course was sent packing His work in the House sorely lacking The voters rebelled From his seat they expelled Poor Enos as the whip they were cracking. . . Lyin’ Ryan’s stupefyin’ In 2016 he’ll be tryin, To win his run for all the gold And shape the country in Ayn Rand’s mold. The rest of us in a pan left fryin’. . Good Bye, Rudolph. A fellow who frequently blows His very large reindeer nose Took a plug from his pocket Stuck it into a socket. Now his nose red as Rudolph’s it glows. . A fellow who’d just come to blows With a reindeer famed for his nose Left Rudolph quite stricken As Santa was picken’. A new nose from the pack soon arose. . . His nose Rudolph frequently blows As huge tears from his eyes soon arose. His bags he must pack. Santa cut him no slack. It was Rudolph’s the new nose would depose. . Now poor Rudolph frequently blows His nose till it’s red as a rose. His nose he kept lickin’ Said “it’s better than pickin’. A new song someone needs to compose.” . Paul Ryan is helping the poor By giving to them once more A GOP hosing By simply proposing A phony agenda for sure. . His Path To Prosperity bull Will surely keep rich pockets full. With deals he will ax From a rich man’s tax While wool over eyes he will pull. . The bull he’s still throwing at us. And no one is raising a fuss. With outlandish acclaim He achieves right wing fame With plans he will never discuss. . A fellow who’d just come to blows Gave his wife a mean bloody nose. He’s a terrible lout A GOPer no doubt Whose running for Senate in Maine snows. . There once was a pirate named Jamie. Who practiced an art quite gamey. He would rob and pillage From city to village And claim, “There’s no law so don’t blame me.” . A fellow was warned in advance But decided to still take a chance He hit on a gal In a seedy locale. Sister Agnes looked at him askance. . A woman refused an advance From a guy at a neighborhood dance. “That’d be the day I ever will pay Attention to a suave fancy pants.” . A gal got a tiny advance From a boss who then took a chance. “If to my place you’ll come I will pay a tidy sum. For a night of thrilling romance.” . The gal with the tiny advance. Told her boss to shove his romance “The money is spent So you can get bent. And I have a new job in finance.” . A woman who frequently strips Does daily exercise flips. She strips in her yard Without any regard. After flips, in her pool skinny dips.. . A woman who frequently strips Set a record for fastest unzips. She thinks it’s real cool As guys drool at the pool. When she dips her thong slips from her hips. . A man was enjoying some strips At a pool where gals showed their hips His wife grabbed his ear His eyes widened in fear When she said “old man come to grips.” . A woman who frequently strips At a pool as the guys all do flips. As she strips to her thong Bells in heads go bong, bong. When she dips her thong slips from her hips. . There once was a guy who’d struggle With the clasp of a bra he’d juggle He struggled to grasp The ends of the clasp Till finally he said “let’s just snuggle.” . There once was a guy who would tumble In the sack with a gal but he’d fumble When her legs she would splay He went quickly astray “What a bumbling dumb fool,” she would mumble. . There once was a gal named Mable, Told a story that wasn’t a fable. As she started to dance She’d take off her pants And get laid on the kitchen table. . There once was a gal named Jenny, Who kissed all the guys for a penny. When her lips they got sore She would kiss them no more But never did she know how many. . There once was a jester named Lester Who wanted a stringent sequester. The name of the game For Lester was fame. Which he earned as he spoke till he’d fester. The jester may well be named Cruz. In the Senate he lit up a fuse. His name he’d defame But to him all the same. He showed himself hardly a muse. . He conducted a long filibuster. The Tea Party ’round him would cluster. With the toss of the dice. He could name a high price. As votes from the right he could muster. . A fellow was terribly lax Playing fast and loose with the facts His jiggered conclusion Proved quite a delusion. To the revenue man he owed the tax. . A woman who longed to relax Thought of reading a book from her stacks. She reached to the top Before taking a flop. Decided instead she’d have snacks. . A woman who longed to relax Smoked by the carton not packs. She started to choke. From all of the smoke. For polluting she paid a huge carbon tax. . There once was a schmuck had a duck. The duck wouldn’t quack it would cluck. He went to a vet Who wanted to get The duck with the schmuck to upchuck. . In his throat the duck got muck stuck. It was simply a case of bad luck. He ate from a pile Then after awhile The duck with the cluck ran amok. . Because the poor thing wouldn’t quack. The schmuck locked the duck in a shack. When free of his tethers The duck pulled out his feathers. And was ready to stew for a snack. . The duck made a wonderful stew. The schmuck ate it in haste with a brew. Infected with staph The duck had the last laugh When the schmuck with the duck ate the stew he up threw. . The schmuck with the duck still had no clue And the day that they met he soon came to rue. For the duck was a mean and heartless gift. From a woman who was uncontrollably miffed. It came from his ex who’d turned into a shrew. . There once was a gal with a pucker. Who turned out to be quite a sucker For a guy with a line And a bottle of wine. He would take her back home and then tucker. Yes take her back home and tucker. With her face in a frozen pucker. He took off her clothes But God only knows He tried but he couldn’t quite pluck ‘er The gal with the pucker named Tucker Had a mom whose an over-road trucker. The mother would drive Thru the night sakes alive Eating PB with jelly by Smucker. So mom was a real Mother Tucker Who from men she sought nightly succor. She’d take them to bed Not a one did she wed. No man Mother Tucker would let buck ‘er. . In heaven the gates had a line. A woman waiting started to whine. “I’ve been good all my life. Don’t deserve all this strife.” Said St. Pete, “We do it online.” . In heaven the software is slow. God contracted a firm far below. He accepted the blame For what was a shame. The free market has lost all its glow. . God was pissed to the rafter About his new website drafter When they get up to Me He said righteously “From heaven there’ll be no laughter.” . In line was a gal from New Bern Who waited so long for her turn That she grew a mustache Then said with panache “The longer I wait the less I will burn.” . The gal from New Bern heard the chime. It was time to face up to her crime. “You’ve been a bad girl,” said St. Pete. “On your husband you often did cheat.” But come up and see me some time.” . A gal was enjoying a fall Festival at a large mall She drank hard rum cider Too much woe betide her At a stall took a fall with legs all asprawl. . A fellow who’d taken a fall For a gal who was seven feet tall Though short as an elf Was proud of himself With his talents the gal he’d enthrall. . A fellow who’d taken a fall For a friend who stayed late at a ball. Went out with his wife Had the time of his life. And said “I was never St. Paul.” . A gal who was rather a crab Dressed in clothes that were terribly drab She never wore makeup Till she had a big breakup Then flipped and turned drab into fab. . A fellow who’d frequently crab “Bout his gal who would dress awfully drab. Till at last she said “Honey, You don’t think it funny When I take off my clothes and you grab.” . A woman enjoying some crab, Placed a live one on a stone slab. The crab grabbed for her chest Its claw clamped on her breast. Where today she still has a sore scab.. A woman did it on a dare. Shaved off all her pubic hair. Here’s a story not oft’ told. Soon she caught an awful cold. ‘Cause now it gets real chilly there. . If you think this story dumb ‘Bout the gal shaved ‘neath her bum. It’s true I say in total sum. For now she’ll sneeze instead of cum. . ‘Cause ‘tween her legs strange noise emits Whenever atop a man she sits. “What was that,” the guys would shout. “Something’s odd down there no doubt.” “I shaved it off because it pleases.” “Now poor thing it always sneezes.” Beware, true words we shall not flout. As stranger things soon came about. . Her shaved bottom had no match.. The cold it caught all could catch. The guys she slept with were made fools. For all a cold had gripped their tools Which sneezed and sneezed while in her snatch. . This story’s true, you can believe. It’s not my purpose to deceive. So now you know you must beware That when you shave your pubic hair You cannot know what you’ll receive. . So now please take this sound advice. Keep it trim and looking nice. For if you shave it smooth as ice, You then must pay a frightful price. . A cold down there can really bite. You’ll have to hide, stay out of site. So if your tempted, best think twice. A little hair can well entice. . A cold no drug can ever cure. A cold down there you must endure. So don’t expose it to a breeze That’s when it will likely sneeze. So stay you must behind closed door. . When at last you do come out Do not shake it all about. For friends will no doubt quickly shun you. They’ll fear a cold be catching from you. And think of you an awful lout. . A woman was roasting a ham On a spit beside a huge dam The dam when it burst Relieved her harsh thirst Then after the ham she vigorously swam. . A man was a terrible ham Showing off his physique as he swam He swam in a lake The home of a snake The snake in the lake of the ham he made spam. . A woman was roasting a ham In an oven beside a giant clam. The clam was alive She learned half past five. When the clam ate the ham while enjoying a yam. . A woman encountered a snake In a bar where thirst she would slake The snake then said “hi” Some drinks I will buy. If to bed you allow me to take. . A woman encountered a snake She told him his drink she would take. She downed it with zest And then told the pest “Why don’t you go jump in a lake.” . A woman encountered a snake Who showed her a fruit to betake. She gobbled it up Then took some to sup. Where Adam would also partake. . A woman encountered a snake Whose drinks would make her head ache. She downed them with glee And then went to pee. In the restroom she took a long break. . A fellow was buying a place In a zone that was known to be base. Smart as a fox He changed all the locks Lost his keys when a thug gave him chase. . Two women were sharing a place So small they had no private space. They dated big guys So it was no surprise When Ted and Bob slept with Carol and Grace. . A gal was rewarded first place In a contest to see who could race To the finish line first While quenching their thirst With brandy all drank from a case. . Never had a Coke and rum Prefer a drink a bit more hearty That’s the way to start a party Though they say good rum will numb. . Four and twenty black birds 10 ounce glass of rye. That’ll turn your nose red my oh my oh my. Next a spot of good scotch That makes your face a blotch Pray the Lord will gently set you safely down to lie. . . There once was a guy from Peru Who added some brew to a stew. He sipped it for taste Then added with haste More brew to the stew which soon he would rue. . The stew with the brew soon started to spew A heap of malt liquor as the stew it grew To a mountain of foam That soon filled the home Which to clean to a gleam took a little gnome’s crew. . The guy from Peru flew into the foam. Which mixed with the stew and turned into loam. From the loam rose a gnome With a heavenly dome. The gnome with the dome said “my name is Jerome.” . The gnome named Jerome flew in from Rome. Not on a plane but a magic comb. He sat on a chair And announced with a flair. “The stew with the foam made my day in the loam. . Jerome sipped the foam that grew in the loam. He fell from the chair and broke the Rome comb. He then broke as well his heavenly crown. Now Jerome is a gnome of worldwide renown. Jerome from Rome is a bald headed gnome. . The comb for Jerome was now of no use. It broke in the loam from constant abuse. The gnome from Rome was fit to die. He had no means with which to fly. For Jerome the Soused there was no excuse. . Jerome with no comb said in drunken despair The crown of renown now has no hair. In deeper despair, he was said to bemoan He lost it alone in the loam with the foam. Now the dome of Jerome shines with bald headed glare. . It is there in the loam that Jerome now resides. A life now fickle that rolls with the tides. For the foam in the loam Birthed a drunken gnome Whose sotted behavior the world now derides. . . There once was a man from Nantucket Who bumped his head on a bucket. That rusty old pail It hung from a nail. Were he nimbler he could easily duck it. . There once was a man from Nantucket Who got his ass stuck in a bucket. I’m sorry to say, It spoiled his whole day. His butt from the bucket he couldn’t unpluck it. . There once was a man from Nantucket Who got his head stuck in a bucket. Oh what a sight As his head it stuck tight. And no one could hear him say fuck it. . There once was a gal cooked a stew. She did it while sipping a brew. It went to her head In a moment of dread She saw birds from the stew whence they flew. . A fellow was trying to fix A gas engine making loud ticks. He lit up a smoke The end was no joke. There are much better ways to get kicks. . A woman who needed a fix Walked the street while plying for tricks She got caught by a cop Who told her to stop Then cuffed her with several quick clicks. . A man who demands a quick fix Was told by his honey nix nix It’s time for a nap Stop being a sap Whack your stick on a pile of bricks. . A. Weiner’s weiner’s in the pubic domain. And there for eternity it shall remain. He’s showed it so often It goes hard to soften So quickly his lovers complain with disdain. . Nothing’s as funny as an old-fashioned joke Told in a bar by a half drunken bloke The guys all laugh, it’s really a riot If you haven’t done it, you gotta try it. So bring your best funnies and make the place smoke. . A good, old joke never grows stale After you’ve had a few pints of ale. Who cares if you’ve heard it five times before No one will ever show you the door. So raise your glass to an old joke all hail. . Ode to a Vibrating Bicycle Seat A great idea for Anthony Weiner For this lost soul what could be keener Once off his popular Internet beat He’d strap the thing on to a bicycle seat. Since nothing’s displayed he’d be much less obscener. . A woman who scored really high In a swimsuit at the beach with her guy. She hit a true nine And with him that was fine But the guy took a fly ’cause genius she was nigh. . A woman was flying quite high As a muscular guy passed by He gave her a look Head to toe she soon shook But the schnook never even said “hi.” . A fellow who never said “hi” To a gal on the beach he passed by. Said so sorry my dear, You may think this is queer. But I’m married to a wonderful guy. . There once was a dude quite crude Who often pranced around nude. With assets astonishing But a wife admonishing The dude so imbued found a feud soon ensued. . A man gave a ball a hard kick While playing on grass very slick. He fell on his butt Then got up with a strut. The ball in the goal did he stick. . A woman had gotten a kick Out of drinking herself half sick. On liquor she’d fawn Sprawled on the front lawn Till dawn when her head felt like brick. . A woman was trying to kick A habit that oft make her sick “I’ll quit one day soon But for now I’ll just swoon One more day won’t matter a lick.” . A woman was trying to kick A habit that oft made her sick Started drinking at noon Soon howled at the moon Off the ground herself she could hardly pick. . A woman had gotten a kick Out of drinking herself half sick. On liquor she’d fawn Sprawled on the front lawn Till dawn when her head felt like brick. . A woman was trying to kick A habit that oft make her sick “I’ll quit one day soon But for now I’ll just swoon One more day won’t matter a lick.” . A woman felt terribly bored Went out and acted untoward When offered some liquor Than candy much quicker Her actions next day she deplored. . A fellow who slept on a board Tossed from bed by his wife cuz he snored. He took a hard drink And before he could blink Slept floored on the board in distress he ignored. . A gal on a corporate board Opposed actions she rightly deplored. In dissent she was mired Until she was fired. With the board she could reach no accord. . A fellow who worked at a bar Served drinks to a Hollywood star. He was struck by her beauty Performed acrobatically his duty In the back of a foreign sports car. . A woman was holding a bar Fixing four flats on her car. They were caused by commotion From heated devotion Making love to a wacky guitar. . A woman decided to bar Sex habits she knew were bizarre. It was quirky for sure But she’d always adore Getting laid in the seat of her car. . John Boehner went down in flames. And it’s Dems of course who he blames. He took one for the team And with eyes now agleam Just one more Jim Beam he exclaims! *** Ode to Toilet Paper By John Seats . Pity the poor trees from which it is made. A hat tip for a price well paid. Pulp to paper how they must suffer. Ever willing to be our soft buffer. Rejoice! As they keep us prim, comfy and staid. *** Phone snooping has come to the fore. Very soon they’ll come through the door. The lock it won’t matter. The windows they’ll shatter. Snatching info once private galore. . The world’s biggest snooper scooper Has committed a planet wide blooper. The lips once sealed Have suddenly squealed. And revealed a spy super-duper. . Whose looking about to cast blame. Why it’s none other than John S. McCain. And why can you guess? ‘Cause he’s on Meet the Press. More face time on TV he’ll gain. . A woman quite often arose With a nose that lit up in strange glows Could it be the red wine The yellow scotch that was fine Or drinking gin from a tin in copious flows. . A woman reserved several rows At a game played by tough hockey pros It was just her bad luck Got smacked by the puck With pluck she stuck hose to stop flows from her nose. . A fellow who frequently rows Got a hole in a boat wouldn’t close The water spritzed in So he reached for the gin On his toes he’d expose a brilliant red nose. . Daddy’s the president that’s for sure. He’s the man we all adore. But daddy’s doing a very bad thing. He thinks that mommy’s having a fling. So he bugs her phone and wires her door. . Listening in is a big time bore. So far he’s gotten an occasional snore. Now a captive of NSA fools He’s used as one of their many tools. A warrior in a war we all deplore. . So Congress knows he’s snooping about To catch an imaginary terrorist lout He snoops and launches deadly drones As the watching world with pity bemoans. The endless war to whose cause he’s devout. . Congress declares his actions legal So does his primary legal eagle. So snooping about the country proceeds Discarding the people’s privacy needs. The president you see wears a crown now regal. . A woman was filing a suit ‘Gainst a guy she thought was a brute He treated her poorly And angered her sorely Till the suit showed the brute’s disrepute. . A fellow was hit by a suit By a gal he thought was real cute He made a fast past Got a kick in the ass She proved a tough cookie, no dispute. . A gal rented space built to suit A woman of royal repute After flaunting her wares Found a rich coot who cares. Took his loot and gave him the boot. . A gal was convinced she was ill After drinking a gallon of swill It wasn’t the drink Turned her face deep red pink But the thrill of hot nights in steamy Brazil. . A gal would pretend to be ill, Then said “Phil I’m not on the pill.” To her utter dismay He went on his way Plan B was the drill after nights of sweet thrill. . A fellow who often spoke ill Of gals who weren’t on the pill. Said he wasn’t a putz Took a cut to the nuts And lay down with no worry at will. . Capitalism is good, it’s also great. An idea to which you should hitch your fate It makes bucks for the wealthy It’s for you to stay healthy To earn your small share of rice on a plate. . A mom at the end of her rope With five kids she barely could cope With hubby she’d cuddle Her brain in a muddle When came six she said “What a dope.” . The kids she loved though they’d mope. Getting ready for school she lost all hope Each morning’s a mess She had to confess But soon she’d soak in a tub of bath soap. . A fellow was trying to buff Golf balls he found in the rough. After dumping in mush He scrubbed with a brush Till fed up he said that’s quite enough. . A savvy astronomy buff Was giving a speech off the cuff. He said to his class You get energy from mass. If not careful you’ll out the world snuff. . A fellow was trying to buff His car with a girl’s powder puff. Didn’t know how he got For last night he forgot it But the girl in the car was really hot stuff. . A girl was trying to buff Her nose with a soiled powder puff It smelled of car polish And would surely demolish Her skin and make it rough stuff. . A woman was trying to ink A deal to put her in pink The producer no sap Made her sit on his lap In return for he gave her a mink. . A fellow was hoping to ink A deal with a gal outta sync They lay on the floor Till she cried out “no more” “But I will have another mixed drink.” . A woman was trying to ink A deal with a real rat fink. She lay on the floor And he cried out “more, more” Then he signed with out even a blink. . A gal got a guy to ink A deal from which he would shrink. “You know I can please So no more will I tease.” Her wink got the ink before he could think. . For Dad’s Day a cookout’s a great feast Revelers could drink like a veritable beast A few beers no more were really just great No burgers however the celebrants ate. Kept franks on the grill till sunrise at least. . Dad had a fine day that’s for sure Remained sober though it was a chore Under a warning from a loving wife No misbehaving if you cherish your life Keep a clear head or you’ll be drinking no more. . A fellow went down to the pound To snare a fair hunting hound He came away with a mutt Who would fill his huge gut And settle on a bed to lay around. . A fellow was trying to pound A steel stake for his hound in the ground. No hunter this dog Who eats like a hog Then chases fair females around. . A woman bought less than a pound Of ingredients to make a cake round When she added the rum She started to hum Who needs cake with a liquor renowned. . A professor would often expound ’bout a dog he found at the pound His firm exclamation Told of a Dalmatian Whose playing around made the prof come unwound. . A fellow who took many trips Got sequestered and did double flips He went into a rage Was put in a cage Before finally coming to grips. . A gal who enjoys taking trips Before boarding had too many nips She’d flirt without shame But took all the blame For kissing the guys with hot lips. . A gal who enjoys taking trips To warm climes to take naked dips She was really a tease No guy would she please Left the water and gave them all flips. . A gal who enjoys taking trips Gave a bartender really big tips She gave him her number An invitation to slumber While his pants she dreamily unzips. . A woman was trying to stack A snack on a fellow named Jack It would flow down below And she watched his Joe grow Saying Jack such a snack gives no slack. . A fellow was trying to stack Whipped cream on a lady’s back All the wriggling and jiggling Had set her to giggling Saying Jack please finish your snack. . A woman was trying to stack Party snacks on a serving rack She dropped to the floor Saying oh please no more This is no time for hitting the sack. . A woman who likes to eat stews ‘Cause it helped her to deal with the blues. She ate at a diner Along with a miner Whose advances she couldn’t refuse. . A fellow who likes to eats stews Dined with a six pack of brews The result he’d predict Such a mix would inflict A belly full of really bad news. . A fellow who frequently stews ‘Bout a gal who mailed him bad news Says he wasn’t Dear Johned No this news from the blond Said the stick with her stuff just gives her the blues. .. They always seemed to be so hoaky Those folks who joined the karaoke With never a band But a drink in hand Sang out of tune in a room quite smokey. . They sang in voices often croaky Those folks who joined the karaoke They took the dare With never a care But should have danced the hokey-pokey. . My brain has finally turned smokey Trying to rhyme with karaoke Starting to feel like a real deal nerd Searching for the right rhyming word I’ll have to settle for mopey okey-dokey. . A fellow would constantly hum A tune while banging a drum. His gal it annoyed With an idea she toyed. Finally stuffed in his mouth a ripe plum. . A gal was annoyed by a hum It began to make her feel glum. It came from next door Neighbors rolled on the floor. To her craving she’d finally succumb. . A guy was annoyed by a hum As his gal chewed a big wad of gum She’d tweet like a dove As he tried to make love For his efforts she seemed to turn numb. . A gal would constantly hum In her garden-she had a green thumb. She did it while nude But it started a feud. Among guys who got drunk on cheap rum. . In her garden the weed that she grew She’d often times put in a stew She shared it with Harry The beau she would marry. So served to poor Harry both stew and a screw. . She shared her garden with Tom, Dick and Harry. Though she refused steadfastly to marry. The weed that she grew She’d put in a stew . With delight the girls would squeal While all around the bush we’d feel. Pleasure for sure that caused no harm In tall grass near the barn of a farm There their charms the girls would reveal. . Not to fret for it’s fun to pet. And these are times we’d n’eer not forget. So of these moments don’t despair In love we know that all is fair. In years to come we’d have no regret. . When movement afar I’d one day spy. My girl and I had a ready reply. We came to see a circling crow And watch the pretty daisies grow. But rumpled grass did our lie deny. . A gal who was rather ill-bred For some reason likes to bake bread Rolls dough ‘tween her fingers Has dreams while it lingers Then sticks in the oven instead. . A gal who liked to bake bread On which she always would spread A gob of cream cheese For her fellows to please One bite would bring things to a head. . A man who was rather ill-bred Had a fetish for gals who baked bread With fantasies wild The gals always smiled As he fed them the bread while in bed. . Italian voters have come to their senses. Elected a member with no pretenses. A comic he was to be sure With politics a recent detour. Against him the bankers raised high fences. . Nothing quite like the fall of snow In spring when leaves and flowers glow. It’s sad to watch them wither away Though all return another day, This fleeting mix makes a wondrous show. . Can it be, is that more snow? After lilacs burst in a purple show. Forsythia blossoms grasp drifting flakes Before wind from leaves the snow it shakes. As wintry gusts white powder blow. . Shoveling again my back it breaks. Three ibuprofen it always takes To settle the lingering pains and aches. . But nature grants a gift that’s priceless. Without it life would be so spiceless. Our thanks for rebirth to goddess Isis. . A woman was trying to read The mind of a guy she would need. She had to get paid If he hoped to get laid On the money they hardly agreed. . A fellow was trying to read While snacking on junk at light speed. His face was so bloated With cheeks that were coated. The crumbs to a horse he could feed. . A gal who was terribly bold Went skating on a night very cold She worked up a sweat Removed clothes on a bet Skated naked – what a sight to behold. . A man who was terribly bold On a corner a weed he sold A cop came along Said you don’t belong But light up and we’ll both be consoled. . Marco Rubio’s a real pip. Hasn’t even become minority whip. Yet look what he says He’s running for prez. Yet for people he couldn’t give a rip. . In the Big Apple he shakes down for dough Making ready for a really big show. A King says he nuts But the guy’s got some guts. He’ll snatch the dough then town he’ll blow. . A fellow was planning his flight After robbing a bank with delight He brought with him his keys Then raised everyone’s fees Took his cash to the Caymans one night. . A woman was planning her flight Sweet Alice was seeking delight She packed her fine scanties Matching bras and silk panties Seeking pleasures anew day and night. . A fellow was planning his flight With Alice who proved quite a sight. He dreamed of new pleasure Delight beyond measure Cialis for Alice his flame did ignite. . A fellow was catching some rays Spied a gal who gave him a gaze. He said babe you look fine I’ll buy dinner and wine. Then later in bed she’d amaze. . A woman was catching some rays On days when the sun was ablaze She turned a bright red Couldn’t lie down in bed. Poor hubby was left with his raise. . Some say Boehner has a functioning brain Possibly true but it’s certainly lame. If he had an idea that was worth a cent Unkind it would be for us all to resent When a mind worth a penny he’d proudly proclaim. . The Trump is an angry bear. Accused of having orangutan hair. His voice is still shrill He’s suing for five mill. But he won’t get a dime on a dare. . A fellow who’d constantly drone Of a woman cold as a stone Found her proper and staid So he couldn’t get laid. She brought gals to her bed when alone. . A fellow who felt like a drone Was left in a bar all alone. His flame in a state A hot date would deflate And leave him half drunk to bemoan. . A woman who’d constantly drone Of hot sex on her steamy cell phone Would brag so absurd So everyone heard When the drone on the phone turned to moan. . A woman would constantly drone Of her love for Sylvester Stallone She would take him to bed In an instant, instead Went to sleep with a dreamy sweet groan. . A guy who was wearing a tie So awful he couldn’t deny It should have been trashed Cause the colors all clashed And it looked like a burnt pizza pie . A gal who was wearing a tie Top a dress seen through by the eye. She knew her sheer sheath Showed two things beneath A firm bust of an ample supply. . A fellow was trying to tie His shoes after drinking some rye. He felt like a jerk Cause it just wouldn’t work The rye made him fly clear up to the sky. . A woman was trying to tie The knot with a guy who was sly The lady was slick She knew every trick I’m late cause of you can’t deny. .. A gal who was recently canned Took a job at a club that was banned When she stripped to her toes The customers all froze From her toes to her nose she was beautifully tanned. . A man who was recently canned Worked a club the cops had just banned T’was a stripper you see Made gals howl with glee But his tail back to jail the law did remand. . A gal who was recently canned Her pay she would loudly demand The boss said you’ll get it But mine first or forget it She said fella I’m not grazing land. . A man who was recently canned From a job he just could not stand Worked all day in fish muck Until he would chuck Finally took a safe job on dry land. . A woman was served something canned Contained horse meat that once had been banned. She rose with a shout Soon cantered about Joined the fifth at Belmont, won a grand. . A fellow stepped into the hall Effects of Cialis clear to all He began to sway And soon lost his way Left his mistress waiting to ball. . A woman stepped into the hall With spiked heels and suffered a fall Completely undressed And highly distressed Needing ice for her double highball. . A woman stepped into the hall Tripped over a guy legs asprawl To her pleasant distraction He was ready action Her yearnings she could not forestall. . A woman had planned to come clean Of behavior she knew was quite mean She slept round galore Many more past four score Then said “screw clean this fun is too keen.” . A fellow had planned to come clean Of his sexual addiction supreme But soon he’d discover There under the cover Was his wife with the other fifteen. . The trillion dollar coin has been nixed So the debt ceiling now can’t be fixed. Republicans are firm Making Democrats squirm But views on the outcome are still mixed. . The rich are in a pickle With debt ceiling policy now fickle Where to put all the dough When government stops the flow Of interest on bonds that won’t earn a nickel. . Mitch McConnell mixed a Viagra With his Flomax; now goes like Niagara. To the restroom he keeps dashing His swollen pants can’t keep from flashing A bump like a corn ear from ConAgra.