Posts tagged ‘Bible Belt’

March 24, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Rick Santorum is apparently enamored of the practices of the devout Catholic organization known as Opus Dei or Work of God. Many members of this religious group devote their lives to emulating the suffering of Christ. Some adherents place spiked chains between their thighs to induce pain and so to demonstrate devotion to their crucified Savior.

Why, I even heard that some devotees employ whips, chains, constraints and other pain inducing devices to demonstrate their love.

Of course, I could be mistaking Opus Dei with other organizations I hear about from time to time. Then again, maybe not.

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) los...

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) lost a friendly football bet to Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy. Here Santorum wears a Patriots hat and presents Kennedy and his staff with Philly cheesesteaks. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OH MY GOD!!!  He’s a gambler!  Wave goodbye to the Bible Belt, Rick.

***

Well, kids get rid of your hoodies and loosey jeans and buy you some suspenders.

I’m not African-American. I’m Italian. But a coupla days in the sun and I could get shot if I happen to be taking a walk in Florida.

And thanks for the tip, Geraldo. But don’t you think your comment will be bad for the hoodie business.

File:Geraldo Rivera.jpg

Great for suspender sales, but what about the hoodie business. Better start divesting.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

And here’s a tip from me. Next time you plan to go to Florida, practice your fast draw for a few days. I mean, who can tell, someone could mistake you for a drug dealer and you’ll be pushing up daisies in an orange grove. And it will all be your fault.

***

The scuttlebutt around the Street is Jon Corzine mislaid a couple billion dollars. Hey! A billion here, a billion there. Who can keep track?

Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from ...

Oh, shit. Where did I put that damn billion anyway?. Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from New Jersey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By the way, Jon, could you see your way to lending me a fast mil.  I gotta fill up my SUV this weekend.

OK if I keep the change?

***

Rick Santorum’s wife said this week that God is calling him to be president.

UPW’s Senior National News Correspondent Marcy Popindick intercepted a voice mail message from God to Santorum. (She did it in the United Kingdom so it’s OK; at least according to the policeman she bribed).

A transcript of the tape revealed the following recording:

Hello? Hello, Rick? God here. Answer the damn phone. I wish you’d keep your cell turned on. It’s a real pain in the ass trying to reach you. I’m not into all this texting bullshit, ya know. And it can be real distracting when you’re flying through all these clouds we’ve got up here.

I just want you to know you’ve got my vote, guy. Now don’t screw this thing up. The Empire needs you. You get elected, appoint a couple more Catholics to the Supreme Court and there’s a pope waiting in the wings who can run the whole planet. I gotta plan you haven’t seen since the popes fucked up the Crusades. This time it’ll work. And I’m talkin’ the whole planet here not just the Holy Land.

And keep you cell phone turned on. I hate this goddam voice mail . I can’t get a hold of anyone anymore. Not even the pope. Such bullshit you never heard:

‘Pax vobiscum. This is Pope Benedict the XVI. I’m either on the phone or taking another piss. Leave a message and I’ll call back as soon as I’m finished.’

You believe that shit. And I’m God for chrissakes.”

File:Popemobile passes the White House.jpg

Yes, there is a popemobile. With his money, he couldn’t do a little better?

March 18, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

If Congress passes a law declaring sperm to be people, the population of the world will increase exponentially – like maybe a trillion to the tenth power. Any guess as to how many zeros that is? And that might not be enough.

Personhood for sperm raises a lot of questions. Would a dead sperm need a decent burial? Could be a quick fix for the unemployment problem, ya know. Everybody would have to become an undertaker. Which raises more the questions: Would a sperm have to be embalmed? How much would a casket cost? Who would send flowers? Would a sperm need life insurance? How much would it cost? Would government assistance be available if the sperm didn’t have an insurance policy? Would Obama submit legislation to Congress mandating that all sperm carry life insurance?

Warning:  If you have an aversion to dirty pictures, stop here.

File:Sperm-egg.jpg

A dirty picture of a sperm that survived.

***

Wouldn’t legislation requiring sperm to be considered people make all men mass murderers? And women accessories? At least in some cases?

Just asking.

***

Rick Santorum is now advocating a ban on the distribution of pornography. He probably doesn’t know this but that position could cost him the entire South in the general election. Per capita, the Bible Belt states spend more money on pornographic material than any other region in the nation.

He says pornography is toxic to marriage and relationships. Well, so is fracking. It is also harmful to people’s health – fracking that is – and so far as I know he hasn’t called for a ban on that. And no doubt never will.

But before we go any further, we suggest one of Santorum’s advisers explain to him just exactly what fracking is so he doesn’t get it confused with that other thing you aren’t supposed to do if you use birth control when you’re doing it.  (So far, the BC ban applies only to Catholics.  So far).

Whether he succeeds in banning dirty pictures or not, the issue is still a good way to rile up the “better than thou” folks, like ya know, Christians who want you to live your life the way they tell you to.

***

Catholics who use birth control are committing a sin that will condemn their immortal souls to the raging fires of Hell for all eternity. Also, the pope doesn’t approve.

I guess the church’s policy applies to women only. The old men of the church have always hated women and it’s the women who use most of the stuff. Not the men mind you – unless we’re speaking of condoms and vasectomies.

Yes. Ever since Eve, it’s always been those damn women. Just can’t keep from spreading their legs. The “aspirin between the knees” method just doesn’t seem to be working – even with a whole bottle of the stuff in the medicine cabinet.

And all those rumors you’ve been reading about priests, bishops and popes fucking their brains out over the centuries are just that – rumors.

OK. OK. So some popes have had kids (out of wedlock of course so as not to violate the church’s celibacy rule). But so what. That doesn’t mean they have to like it.

Nevertheless, I’ve never known a priest who carried an aspirin in his pocket when inviting a woman from the parish for whatcha call your “religious consultation.” Not all priests like little boys, ya know. Some actually like girls. Provided they’ve reached the age of consent, naturally. Or maybe a bored housewife or two. Who can tell?

Oh, father. I forgot my aspirin.”

Don’t worry, my child. You won’t be needing it tonight.”

***

The Westboro Baptist Church – you know, those fundamentalist folks who hate just about every type of human behavior except that which they specifically approve – is apparently preparing ads to be broadcast on the Rush Limbaugh show. Birds of a feather. Guess they haven’t heard the rumors about Rush’s past.

Viagra anyone. The Westboro Baptist Church would approve. Aren’t you lucky?  There isn’t a whole lot these extremists do like.  You could say intolerance is their message.

Jael Phelps picketing Trinity Episcopal Church...

(This photo is copyrighted but free to use for any purpose). Image via Wikipedia

Westboro Baptist Church Anti-Jewish Picketing

Yes, they do pretend to be Christians. Image via Wikipedia (Public domain).

***

It’s time for AARP to support increases in Social Security. Retirees have been cheated long enough by schemes that underestimate inflation and shortchange seniors.

Members must face up to the facts. AARP is basically an insurance agency, perhaps the largest agency in the world. It gives nothing to its members they don’t pay for in premiums and members should realize they are getting nothing in return they aren’t paying for.

As for the benefits it claims for members, many other organizations offer similar discounts.

The message from retirees to the executives of AARP is a simple one: Support increases to retirement programs or back off. You are either with the retirees or against them.

These meetings with the cut-and-gut crowd are totally unnecessary and uncalled for. In fact, they raise suspicions of a scam in the making.

***

There is one way the Ryan health insurance debacle can be rescued. That is for government to pay 100% of the premiums demanded by health insurance companies forever. Yeah, right.

The real scam of the Ryan plan is to dump medical costs of the elderly on to the individual whether or not he or she has insurance and can pay for the care. The plan’s terms can be summed up in one phrase: Can’t pay, no doctor. You’re on your own, pal.

We’ll all be retired someday and the American people have demonstrated time and again that they want the social programs now in place to remain a part of the nation’s social safety net. And are willing to pay for the programs through payroll deductions. The cut and gut politicians who are trying to destroy the programs are acting in defiance of the will of the people and on behalf of a tiny minority of the rich.

And now back to Paul Ryan (the one with the shit eating grin – see photo) the tax cut and spend right wing Republican. Ryan voted repeatedly and continuously to raise the deficit and spend, spend, spend during the Bush administration. The man is one of the biggest spenders in the GOP – and that takes some doing, for with few exceptions, Republicans have shown themselves to be among the biggest spenders on the planet.

File:Paul Ryan, official portrait, 111th Congress.jpg

***

Darrell Issa, entombed for eight years during the Bush Administration, has finally emerged from his cacoon.

He said we’ve been lied to by the Justice Department.

 

Well, for heaven’s sake. You don’t say.

We were lied to for eight years during the Bush administration. And Issa is just coming to the realization that government lies. Fasinating.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost