Posts tagged ‘Crimea’

March 20, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/23/14

Anything For A Buck. Or Billion.

Moscow 20 Mar 2014.

A report from the Kremlin today claims that Vladimir Putin offered to cede Crimea to ExxonMobil in exchange for a five year appointment as CEO of the giant global oil and gas conglomerate.

A spokesperson for the Soviet premier, as Putin prefers to be addressed in private, said if the Russian president can swing this deal, he would be set for life.

putin

Russian President Vlad Putin is all smiles, really liking what he’s hearing.(attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

Being president of the former Soviet republic pays peanuts, according to the statement.

In a related report, ousted Ukrainian President Victor Yanokovich purportedly said he would support the pact if Putin proferred a piece of the pie.

A Kremlin staff member, who spoke under conditions of strict anonymity, said that the former Ukrainian president offered to kick in a portion of eastern Ukraine if Putin would sweeten the deal a little.

Observers believe Putin would have to offer a significant piece of the action if he hoped to gain the support of Yanokovich.

Staff members of the two leaders have arranged an urgent meeting in an attempt to hammer out an agreement that would satisfy both parties.

***

The Geniuses Fumble.

NSA Headquarters, Fort Meade, Md. 20 March 2014.

UPW press is reporting that a young girl, who would identify herself only as Alice, claims to know the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Flight 390.

Analysts from the NTSB referred the claim to the FAA which immediately turned it over to the NSA whose agents are said to be gathering with CIA operatives in a hastily called meeting to evaluate the girl’s assertion.

However, a spokesman for the NSA revealed that the location of the lost Boeing 777, given by the girl as Wonderland, does not appear on any of the agency’s GPS devices.

The spokesman continued that NSA scientists would not rule out the possibility that the plane might have landed at a heretofore undiscovered region of the globe, one that is not programmed into GPS satellites. NSA experts are at this very moment in a meeting with CIA agents who are analyzing personal data hastily collected about the girl known only as Alice.

NSA scientists are cooperating with military authorities who are redirecting satellite emissions to the area where Wonderland is believed to be located.

Authorities admit however that they are still stumped about the whereabouts of the missing plane.

nsa

NSA headquarters. Think they’re not serious about their stuff.

***

A Slave Is A Slave.  Even in AZ.

Some guy named Jim Brown, whose a candidate for Congress from Arizona, said slavery wasn’t so bad.

In fact, he even likes it.

Brown is a slave to payola from guys who are richer than he is and as long as the candidate continues to suck up to rich folks he stands a chance to win the primary election and maybe go to Congress where he can suck up some more.

And get some more money.

And all he has to do is vote the way he’s told to and his owners will take good care of him.

See, being a slave ain’t so bad.

According to reports from the Brown camp, being an asshole ain’t bad either. And the candidate likes that even better. ‘Cause if you’re a Republican, that’s about the only way you can win an election these days.

Look for Brown to nose his way into Congress come November.

brown

Not to worry. He’s already apologized. Now that everybody knows where he stands. (Jim Brown Facebook via The Root).

_republican_compares_government_spending_to_slavery.html

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Cruelest Sanctions Imposed.

In keeping with President Barack Obama’s imposition of sanctions on Russia, Secretary of State John Kerry announced today that the US has halted all shipments of M&Ms to the former Soviet bloc nation.

In a top secret meeting, CIA agents revealed to Obama that M&Ms are the Russian presidents favorite candy.

The agents reported that Putin’s craving for the coated chocolate confection that melts in your mouth and not in your hands has reached addiction levels.

According to reports emanating from the Kremlin, Putin raged to his staff for hours over the cruel imposition of the candy ban.

An anonymous White House source revealed the details of an emergency phone conversation between Putin and Obama during which the Russian chief of state threatened “serious consequences” if Obama persisted in his banning of the Mars product.

The Russian chief also stated that negotiations would be ruled out under the conditions imposed by the US and that only by removing the candy ban can talks ever take place.

Obama seemed to relent by offering to permit the chocolate coated peanut variety to slip through the sanctions but Putin could not be mollified.

According to NSA intercepts of conversations between Putin and his wife, he hates the peanut kind because they stick in his teeth.

putin

Vladimir Putin suffering from a painful peanut particle stuck in his gums. (attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

As of late this afternoon, the two sides have failed to reach an accord.

***

More Trouble For Christie.

As NJ Gov. Chris Christie becomes more deeply imbroiled in the trafficgate affair, staff members are concocting stories in hopes of finding just the right one that voters can believe in.

Here are some of the suggestions from Christie’s staff.

The governor:

never heard of the GWB.

thought Fort Lee was an army installation located on the US-Canadian border.

thought George W. Bush got stuck in a traffic jam and laughed his ass off.

believed Fort Lee was an French colonial base attacked by the Mohicans in 1753.

sea monsters

At last report, the governor is considering all suggestions.

***

Border Changes In 1000 Years.  See Animation.

http://loiter.co/v/watch-as-1000years-of-european-boarders-change/

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March 9, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/09/14

NSA Bugs White House.

breaking

Documents leaked early yesterday reveal that the National Security Agency is intercepting White House communications.

Included in the leaked file was a transcript of a top secret conversation between President Barack Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to the transcript the two heads of state had a personnel conversation that revealed the frustrations of each regarding recent developments.

Here is the leaked transcript in full.

Obie: Dobrie ootro my man, what’s happnin’ bro.

Pooty: Ну у меня было два красивых молодых женщин на на квартире прошлой ночью, и сказать вам правду я чувствую себя немного изношены.

Obie: What’s up with that roosky shit, man. You know I don’t dig that jive.

Pooty: Подождите, пока вы слышите это, мой человек. Эти две телки приехать и я просто получаю из душа, и они начинают сушки меня.

Вы все еще не понимаю по-русски?

Obie: I been practicin’. I been practicin’ But you guys got some funny shit alphabet over there. Now c’mon Pooty. Tell me about those two women you say your wit. You gotta be jivein’ me, man. Two, at the same time. C’mon’, my man.

Pooty: Нет, может человек. Это не джайв. Это правда. Два из них.

Блондин, голубые глаза, С чашки.

Obie: Blond, blue eyes, C-cup!!! Two of ’em. Aw, c’mon, bro. Now I know you’re jiving me.

Pooty: Нет, мой мужчина. Сначала я думал, что они были ЦРУ, но я попросил им nationaliy Екатерины Великой и когда они сказали, немецкий, я знал, что они были русскими. Выключите видеомагнитофон и слушать это.

Я дважды дозируется на Viagra.

Obie: Two. At the same time. No wonder you’re tired. Hey, have they got any sisters?

Pooty: Я спрошу. Не волнуйтесь. В следующий раз вы находитесь в городе я починю вас.

Obie: Oh, damn. In that case, I’ll send Biden. Pooty, listen up. Have I got a deal for you. I’ll give you Ukraine for two Afghanistans and an Iraq. You give me Libya and I’ll throw in Syria.

Pooty? Pooty? That’s all of Ukraine now. Not just Crimea, ya know. How’s that sound.

Hello, Pooty? Pooty,? Are you there?

Pooty? What’s goin’ on, my man? What’s happenin’, bro….

Pooty?

Must be a bad connection.

putin say cheese

Nyet, nyet. Cheese, Vlad, cheese. You know vat means cheese?  

(Phote:  Russian Presidential Press and Information Office).

 

 

***

Minority Leader Gives Rousing Speech.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell tried to give a speech at the Conservative Political Action Committee. And he almost succeeded. As he read his words from a piece of paper the crowd burst into silence.

It could have been better. But, fortunately for McConnell, one of his aids thought of a warm up caper. To rile up the gun nuts among the right wingers, the corpse-faced senator first he had to get the gun nuts riled up.

Soooooo to get the gun nuts riled up, the Minority Leader carried a bogus rifle on stage after his introduction. The crowd went ballistic. Unfortunately for Mitch it was the last time the audience showed any emotion at all.

The rest of the performance fell flatter than a Denny’s pancake.

Here’s an example. Mitch said the president “treated the Constitution worse than a Denny’s placemat.” That is supposed to be an applause line. And a funny remark.

To be fair, a smattering of polite laughter did rise up from the floor to, well, somewhere below the rafters. Far below the rafters.

His next laugh line came after he accused the Democrats of being the party of too big to fail Wall Street banks as he accused the media of a Benghazi coverup for the benefit of Hillary Clinton uncampaign for the presidency.

Yes, again there was some embarrassed laughter for the hapless speaker.

Never however was there a threat that McConnell would bring down the house, even in super friendly CPAC territory.

mitch1

Still has that same ole shit eatin’ grin.

Oh, I almost forgot. The crowd applauded when the senator left the stage. Not a moment too soon.

Next year, aides vowed, McConnell would pack some real heat and fire live rounds into the crowd.

That should liven things up.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/06/how_to_win_over_

conservatives_mitch_mcconnells_desperate_gun_gambit/

***

Alien Life Form Discovered In Canada.

Scientists have discovered evidence of the existence of an alien life form that lived millions of years ago on the surface of the Earth.

Fossils still being unearthed at a dig site on an island in the northern Canadian province of Nunavut include samples of frozen DNA and skeletal structures of nearly whole spinal cords and skulls.

The creatures, according to reports, possessed a type of DNA with a distinctly different pattern from any previously known varieties. The strands, called the double helix, contain unidentified chromosomes and a heretofore unknown nucleotide which has yet to be named.

Scientists are speculating that the alien life form may have come to Earth during the Cambrian explosion and, during that period, evolved into numerous related species, some of which assumed a bipedal or human-like configuration.

Carbon dating showed that the earliest forms unearthed to date lived in the Jurassic jungles as a fungus. They migrated north assuming an abundance of adapting shapes while surviving several mass extinctions during the migratory phases.

However, many samples unearthed at upper layers of the dig site indicated that the growth, while morphing, developed endoskeletons during the early Cenozoic era.

Bio-archaeologists suspect that creatures with nearly identical DNA to the earliest types discovered to date continue to roam the planet and appear in numerous shapes.

Comparing the find with DNA samples submitted by laboratories from around the world, the researchers concluded that the fungus is still among us.

Studying fossils from the dig, morphologists have been able to sketch a likeness of the alien life form’s facial features.

The most prominent characteristics are sharp angular details of the ears, nose and chin.

Archaeologists have determined from the study of the fossil record that the creature was ill-tempered and possessed an aggressive personality. Scarred and disfigured bone fragments reveal its tempestuous nature.

Here are some examples of what the fungus-like creature might look like:

COULTER

 RYAN VULCAN

***

From Rick Cooley’s Blog.

Good reads on important matters.

http://rcooley123.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/

more-of-the-same/

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