Posts tagged ‘Dick Cheney’

March 2, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/02/14

Committee Presents Awards.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced its long-awaited list of whacked out nominees for the Most Valuable Putz award. The prize, symbolized by a statuette called The Putzie, is given to political or media wackos in categories for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role and Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role.

putsie 1

The coveted statuette known throughout the world as The Putzie.

For Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role the nominees are

Mitch McConnell for his role in Denying Veterans – about voting against an increase in benefits which includes a vote against a jobs program in 2012.

Dick Cheney for his role in Accusing the President – concerning a former vice president who criticizes President Obama for preferring to feed the hungry while reducing military troop levels. The plot involves a VP who said he would rather the president shoot the hungry and increase the number of troops.

Ted Cruz for his role in Shutting Down – about a scheme by a senator to shut down government and then blame his unscrupulous actions on President Obama.

Ted Nugent for his role in Smearing the President – about a washed up singer making outrageously racist remarks and with a penchant for hooking up with young girls.

Greg Abbott, current GOP candidate for governor of the semi-great state of Texas, for Wallowing – in the support from pedophile racist Ted Nugent.

Candidates who received honorable mention were John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Rick Perry, Darrell Issa, Bill Kristol. Sean Hannity, Rush Limboo, Jon Kyl, John McCain, Bob Corker Lindsey Graham , Orrin Hatch. Louie Gohmert, Lawrence Lockman, Steve Martin, Chris Christie, Paul Lepage, Bobby Jindal, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, etc., etc., etc.

For Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role the nominees are,

Sarah Palin for her role in Sucking Up – about a washed up former VP candidate praising an extremist Ted Nugent and her support for Texas gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott (Abbott was also nominated for Best Supporting Wactor in Sucking Up).

Ann Coulter for her eponymous role as Ann Coulter.

Michelle Bachmann for her role in Anti-Gay in Arizona – about a washed up politician encouraging Gov. Jan Brewer to sign anti-gay legislation in the Grand Canyon State.

Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley who stars as the governor of South Carolina in Unions Aren’t Welcome Here – about a Southern governor dissing labor unions and gay unions and all other unions not approved by the Union of Fundamentalist Christian Churches.

Jan Brewer for Sticking Her Finger – in the face of the President of the United States.

The names of the winners are kept in a waterproof lockbox located in a sunken pirate ship 150 feet below the surface of the Gulf of Mexico 10 miles east of the Yucatan Peninsula guarded by a detachment of the last remaining veterans of the invasion of Iwo Jima.

The winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award will be announced Sunday, March 3rd or 4th which ever comes first.

***

Help Wanted.

The Korean Free Trade Agreement (better known as 한국어 자유 무역 협정) has created a need for an experienced Orange Juice Salesman (오렌지 주스 세일즈맨).

Company exporting breakfast beverages to Asia is experiencing an increase in demand.

Qualified person must be familiar with pulp and non-pulp varieties and concentrated and pure squeezed juices. Thorough knowledge of water diluted products required.

Must be willing to travel.  (여행을 기꺼이해야합니다).

Fluency in Korean is essential.  (한국어 실력이 필수적이다).

Company offers Obamacare voucher.  (회사는 Obamacare의 쿠폰을 제공합니다).

Selected individual must own or buy a recent model Hyundai or Kia.  (선정 된 개인이 소유하거나 최근 모델 현대 나 기아 자동차를 구입해야합니다).

To be considered for this once in a lifetime opportunity send resume with salary requirement to:

오렌지 주스 수출 부문
플로리다 OJ 음료 주식 회사
우편 사서함 666
서울 한국 555 55 55

***

Institute Offers Language Training Program.

The Sardo Institue of Foreign Language Training is offering a speed course in learning to speak, read and write the Korean Language.

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training uses the world famous the Think Method” of learning a foreign language.

Developed by language professors at the Sardo Institute and experts in the science of Thinkology, the Think Method is guaranteed to have you speaking the Korean language in two short weeks.

Yes, in just two short weeks you can be speaking Korean as fluently as a citizen of that rapidly developing Asian country.

Persons who speak Korean are in high demand in today’s tight job market. So anyone who speaks this remarkably easy to learn language using the Think Method developed by The Sardo Institute is guaranteed to find long term employment.

And if you enroll in The Sardo Institute’s Think Method of Learning a Foreign Language right now you will receive a certificate toward learning a second foreign language absolutely free.

Yes, that’s right. Two languages for the price of one.

Better hurry though! This offer won’t last long.

Simply note the languages of choice on your order and send $299.99 plus $5.95 shipping and handling to:

The Sardo Institute of Foreign Language Training
P.O. 666
Pasta Fagioli, Italy 555 5555
Cash only please.

***

Tony Dinks Deng.

Talk about a drop shot heard ’round the world, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is rumored to have had an affair with social gadfly Wendi Deng.

And exactly who is Wendi Deng?

She is the former wife of media mogul Rupert Murdoch and she fell head over butt for those blue British eyes.  While she was married.  To Rupert Murdoch.

The two are now amicably divorced.

No word on how “amicable” her affair de Blair remains.

BLAIR

The devil is in Tony Blair’s ole blue eyes.

.

Wendi went head over butt
For a guy with a famed British strut.
He was Minister Prime
Who had a great time
Taking Deng from a rut, so tut tut.
.
It was all lovey dovey for sure
For Wendi the Brit had the cure.
They rolled in the hay
On many a day
With allure she gave Tony the tour.
.
Her body of such fine design
Gave the Brit a jolly old time.
He was great in the bed
So she took him and said
I’ll unwed for a time so sublime.
.
With Murdoch she could not endure
A life so starkly obscure.
To Tony she went
Told Rupert get bent
I’m having a marriage detour.
 
https://www.tytnetwork.com/2014/03/02/tony-blair-banged-rupert-murdochs-wife/
 
***
Winners Revealed.
 
breaking
 
We go now to Pasta Fagioli, Italy where a spokesperson for the Nobella Prize Committee is about to announce the winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award.
 
Here is Professor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe with the winners:
 
“May I have the dumbbell, please”
 
(Professor Bacciagalupe is now unscrewing the top of the dumbbell containing the name of the first winner).
 
And the winner of the Putzie for Best Republican Wactor in a Leading Role is,

Dick Cheney for his part in Accusing the President.”

“The former vice president was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to the fact that he doesn’t give two shits about anything anymore except maybe starting another war somewhere.”

cheney 2

.

“And now for the next award….May I have the dumbbell please.”

“The winner of the Putzie for the Best Republican Wactress in a Leading Role is

Ann Coulter for her role in Ann Coulter.”

“Ms. Coulter was unable to attend today’s ceremonies due to a previous contractual commitment to make an outrageous statement on Fox News.”

COULTER

.

Losers and honorable mentions receive the Nobella Committee’s Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

the finger

The Sorta Good Citizen Prize.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

Limerick Lunacy.

A woman worked hard to design
A plan for a guy she’d entwine
In matrimonial bliss
So she gave him a kiss
Then soon on a bed she’d recline.
.
A man who taught graphic design 
Once took a smart student to dine. 
He showed her his work
She thought “such a jerk”
But she had a good time on Rhine wine.
.
Stayed up till three playing cards
Had far fewer wins than discards
Enjoyed a good drink
While I stayed in the pink
So late in the morn’ here’s regards.
.
The drink you’ve guessed was not punch
After a few came the crunch
You may think it was Hell
But I slept real well 
Now I’m ready for breakfast and lunch.
 
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April 21, 2012

Random Musings

Oh, no!  Heeee’s baaaaaaack!

Dick Cheney called the Obama presidency a disaster.

And that from the “master of disaster”, the chief architect of the worst administration in US history.

Coming from the designer of unmitigated disasters, the statement is more than a bit ironic.  The Bush-Cheney regime was worst ever bar none.  The Republicans would do well to keep this guy isolated in the mountains of Wyoming, deep in the winter snows and, if they’re really lucky, maybe buried under an avalanche.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

***

During the presentation portion of the challenge to the Affordable Care Act, Justice Antonin Scalia expressed particular interest in the power of the Federal government to force a citizen to purchase a health insurance policy from private insurance companies.

photograph of the justices, cropped to show Ju...

Scalia reasoned that if the government could force a person to purchase health insurance what would prevent it from forcing its citizens to eat broccoli.

The answer of course is that if broccoli cured a fatal contagious disease, the government would be obligated to force the entire population of the country to eat the vegetable in order to prevent a deadly epidemic. I daresay Scalia would be among the very first to stuff his mouth with the green stuff.

 Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.  And, who can tell, a mouth full of broccoli might even improve his appearance.  It would certainly prevent him from asking inane questions during oral arguments.

Moreover, while the spread of a fatal disease is a matter of life and death to many, lack of health insurance presents the same choice for millions who can’t afford expensive and inadequate profit  policies.

***

A man was recounting his woes

But discovered he hadn’t enough toes.

His fingers joined the count

As his woes began to mount

From courting ten women trouble flows.

.

A gal was recounting her woes

She invested in stock that soon froze

It soared with the bubble

Then crumbled to rubble

So that’s how the market wind blows.

.

A guy was recounting his woes

To a barmaid with runs in her hose

She said, honey, I’ve heard all the tales

And listened to so many wails

But still can’t buy clothes for my toes.

***

Unemployment Ahead for Many Doctors

Scientists believe they have discovered a vaccine that will help the immune system detect and destroy many types of cancer cells.

According to Richard Gray of The Telegraph, researchers at Tel Aviv University in conjunction with a company called Vaxil Biotheraputics discovered a molecule called MUC1 which is a component of cells both cancerous and healthy.  Cancer cells contain high levels of the molecules which exist at much lower levels in healthy cells.

File:Basal cell carcinoma.jpg

A cancer cell.  A protein called MUC1 coats the surfaces of all cells.  It reproduces rapidly in cancer cells.  The new vaccine would “teach” the human immune system to attack the MUC1 protein in malignant tumors.

Scientists believe the new vaccine can “teach” the immune system to attack and destroy the large quantities of the molecule produced by cancerous tumors.

The development looks promising but raises the question of what type of work oncologists will pursue once the vaccine proves effective in treating and curing many cancers.

In response to the employment crisis that may arise among doctors currently practicing oncology, the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning has developed a specialty course designed to teach former doctors how to sell used cars for fun and profit.  As in the medical profession, doctors will be permitted to set their own fees regardless of the ability of buyers to pay for  them.

***

According to an article published in Science Daily, a noted research scientist believes that intelligent life exists on other planets but may well be in the form of dinosaurs.  Dr. Ronald Breslow theorizes that the correct combination of D-amino acids and L-sugars could give rise to intelligent life on any planet suitable for life to exist.

On earth mammalian life came to dominate the landscape only because a huge meteor wiped out the dinosaurs.  Without these voracious predators to determine the survival of the fittest, mammalian life proliferated and soon evolved into the most violent and predacious creature known to man.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s the human being – that rapaciously destructive creature who hubristically refers to himself as homo sapiens sapiens or wise, wise man.  A better moniker might be homo tyranno-simian or man the terrible monkey.

Well, I guess we’re at least wise enough to theorize that on other planets, where mammals became extinct because no meteor impacted the planet, dinosaurs became the dominant life form.  So much for homo sapiens sapiens.

Such an eventually, however, gives rise to certain questions, for example, do tyrannosaurs on a planet far, far away worship a god?  Is it the same God we worship?  Does the God have a chosen group of dinosaurs?  Was there a T-Rex named Abraham?  Who had a son named Issac?  Did the chosen dinosaurs escape from bondage?  Did they have a promised land?  And a messiah?  Was the messiah crucified?  How do you crucify a T-Rex?

This could go on forever.  But you get my drift.

***

Scientists at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning have discovered exactly what it was that Eve ate in the Garden of Eden to piss off God so much that He expelled her and Adam from paradise.

File:Man's Sin, and God's Promise (Bible Card).jpg

The plants at the base of the tree are believed to be hemp.  Scientists found traces of tetrahydrocannabinol, an ingredient of the plant, in an olive jar at the dig site.

It was not a fruit at all but a plant called hemp that grew at the base of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Archeologists at the dig in the delta where the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers join discovered a Zippo lighter in the area believed to be the location of the Garden.  The lighter has been carbon dated to approximately 5000 BCE, the time when Adam and Eve lived in the area.

According to a text discovered in another olive oil jar uncovered at the site and written by an ancient monk named Rasaphram, the story of the temptation by a serpent is now considered to be historical fact.  A member of a Middle Eastern tribe called the Rasaphrites, Rasaphram writes that Satan, a snake, who at the time walked on two feet, appeared to Eve and said to her that the hemp growing beneath the tree would make her a goddess.  Before the snake could stop her, Eve put a handful of the hemp in her mouth and began to chew it.  She soon spit it out because the plant had an extremely bitter taste even for a weed.

Rasaphram next writes that Satan said to Eve:  “You don’t eat it, asshole, you roll it up and smoke it.”

The snake then flicked his Zippo.

Since it was some really good stuff, she gave Adam a couple of puffs.  Soon, while Eve was scooping up after all of the dinosaurs (yes ladies, there was housework in the Garden of Eden and Eve did it all), Adam was riding around on his T-Rex all day smoking hemp.

When God discovered that the two creatures he had recently made from dust had stolen his best stuff, he became enraged and expelled the thieves from the Garden.

And now every time they had sex, Adam had to use a condom or Eve would get pregnant, throw up and have all kinds of pain whenever she delivered a baby.

And that, boys and girls, is the true story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Just one more thing.  Adam stole some of God’s plants and was able to grow his own stuff.

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