Posts tagged ‘Donald Trump’

November 24, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley – 11/24/12

In an interview in a noted magazine, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) stated that he doesn’t know how old the Earth is.  He said this despite an abundance of evidence that our planet formed some 4.5 billion year ago – give or take a couple million.

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Marco knows it’s never to early to begin running for president. (Courtesy DonkeyHotey).

The statement lends credence to the rumor that Rubio is planning a presidential run in 2016 and his remark is viewed as one way to cater to Christian fundamentalists who believe God created this rapidly overheating sphere 6000 years ago.

Just goes to show ya, you can’t be a Republican without defying irrefutable scientific evidence.

In a similar vein, rumor has it that birther Donald Trump won’t believe the age of the Earth until he sees the birth certificate. Long form, if you please. Then we’ll know for sure.

(Courtesy DonkeyHotey).

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Because there is no third term for presidents, Bill Maher believes Barack Obama should take a sharp turn to the left and lend support to the liberals without whom the prez could not have been elected in the first place.

And of course that there is no third term is true so his need for corporate payola diminished rapidly.

There is however, a “however” in the mix.

And that is none other than the pharaoh-mimicking monument otherwise known as the presidential library. Obama will need tens of millions of dollars to erect his.

That kind of scratch doesn’t come from “the small people.”

And ten bucks never got anyone a private pow-wow in the Oval Office.

So if he wants his “pyramid”, Obama will have to cater to the 1%.

I just can’t seem to catch a break anywhere.

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Bulletin – Pasta Fagioli, Italy

Committee Announces Award.

Senior UPW Congressional Reporter Marcy Popindick has just learner that John McCain has been awarded The Schmuckup Prize by the Nobella Prize Committee.

In a UPW exclusive, Ms. Popindick reports that McCain won for his demand that a Senate subcommittee be formed to investigate the killing of four Americans in the consulate attack in Benghazi, Libya. The senator put his own name forward to chair the subcommittee. His colleagues however turned down the request.

President Barack Obama and Senator John McCain...

President Barack Obama and Senator John McCain in a press conference, taking place on March 4, 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

President Obama and Sen. John McCain – a man who distinguished himself in service to his country in time of war – together during a less tendentious moment.

The rejection stopped the former military hero dead in his tracks after he initiated a series of attacks on UN Ambassador Susan Rice for statements she made regarding the assault on the Benghazi consulate.

Rice said her remarks were based on early intelligence reports that later proved to be inaccurate.

McCain however could not be mollified. He petulantly announced that he would oppose a Rice appointment if President Obama nominated her for Secretary of State, the office being vacated by current Secretary Hillary Clinton.

The senator also stated that he would oppose any nomination for Secretary of State until the administration revealed the truth behind the events in Behghazi.

His motives were unclear but appeared to be an attempt to restore a degree of credibility to a rapidly declining career.

In recognition of the senator’s irrational machinations, the Nobella Committe, noting that McCain is a previous recipient of its Most Valuable Putz award, proudly bestowed its Schmuckup Prize on the lamentable legislator.

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To win The Schmuckup Prize you can’t just be an ordinary fuck up. There are thousands of those in Washington and not enough prizes to go around.

No, to win this award you have to be a fuck up of truly monumental proportions. John McCain has been nominated on several occasions but failed to capture the prize. This week, he finally broke through the barrier and achieved the status that earned him the esteemed honor.

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Winners of The Schmuckup Prize receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

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Don’t know much about this former Komen executive, a businesswoman contemplating a Senate run in Georgia.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

However, it does seem to me that business leaders are uniquely qualified to serve in Congress.

They’ve already learned to lie, cheat and steal. And get away with it.  So what other qualifications to you need to be a Congress critter?

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Christie Needs Disaster to Aid in 2013 Reelection Bid.

One more disaster and he’s a shoe in for reelection. But it will have to be another really, really big one. A Christie size, at the very least.

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“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” Jon Stewart.

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Nice hat ya got there, bubba. Like your cool costume too.

If I dress up like that, can I tell people how to vote?

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An ode to drone warfare instigated by our glorious leaders.

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Glorious leaders will send us drones

For Christmas and no one bemoans

Their unquestionably gross illegality

So far be it from an angry me

To question the laws our Congress dethrones.

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Petraeus Afghanistanus and our glorious leaders keep putting their heads – among other things – where they don’t belong. Not even an election can pull them out.

So the drones keep coming and murdering innocent men, women and children.

I expect droney to start blowing up striking Walmart workers as soon as our glorious leaders declare them to be terrorists.

We all have our glorious leaders to thank for protecting us from underpaid American workers, I mean terrorists.

You really don’t have to be a terrorist anymore. The Wall Street definition of a “troublemaker” should soon be sufficient for launching a drone attack. Many of us may already be on a list.

I’d like to protect my house with an anti-missile system But the damn things cost too much and they don’t work. Besides my wife has bird feeders all over the place. 

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February 4, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Senior UPW staff reporter, Ms. Marcy Popindick reported today that unnamed Democrats are delighted with the filibuster arrangement as it exists in the Senate. It allows Republicans to overrule any legislation that benefits the 99% – thereby doing the dirty work for the Dems, most of whom would rather see the legislation killed anyway. So Democrats can then cash in on the big time corporate money through their complicity with the filibuster pretending to their base that the meanies in the GOP keep obstructing their policies.

 File:Dollars for Democrats.jpg

Anything for a buck. Right. Even little Johnny’s allowance.

Hey, what’s the use of being a Democrat if you can’t stab your supporters in the back every once in a while.

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The UPW news wire is reporting that investigators have located more than $1 billion dollars of the funds missing from MP Global operations.

The funds were found in an executive’s briefcase.

According to a statement from the executive’s attorney: “Hey, just because he owns the briefcase doesn’t mean he’s the one who stole the money.”

Case dismissed.

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According to many Republicans, globing warming comes only once a year, usually in the summer.

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UPW news reporter Chocalatta Chippie has obtained a copy of the speech Mitt Romney originally intended to give after his endorsement by Donald Trump.

English: This photo depicts Donald Trump's sta...

Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Image via Wikipedia

The portions of the speech included high praise for Trump and a statement that when he was growing up he’d always dreamed of being endorsed for president of the United States by Trump. The speech continues: “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. For today, my lifelong dream has come true.”

Romney advisers shit-canned the speech saying it was a bunch of poppycock and who gives a shit about Donald Trump anyway.

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Biologists at the Sardo Institute have begun testing groups of mammals for sterility. Animals found to be sterile, the scientists said, will be culled from herds to prevent unwarranted and sinful copulation with fertile animals.

According to Dr. Monsignor Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe, a professor in Christian doctrine and the author of Osservare in Camera Da Letto, infertile animals, along with sterile human beings, must be separated from the group and denied conjugal rights in accordance with the laws handed down to the church by the Supreme Being. According to doctrine advocated by some Christian congregations the primary purpose of sexual relations is propagation of the species and, as such, sterile members are incapable of fulfilling the demands of divine law. It is imperative, therefore, that they be removed from the healthy group to prevent sinful copulation.

Monsignor Bacciagalupe stated that marriage between sterile and fertile humans is a sinful union because such a joining is incapable of producing offspring. Bacciagalupe reminded the faithful that pleasure is a by-product of sexual relations and not an end in itself. “It’s a OK to fucka you brains out, but you gotta make a da babies,” he said.

File:Old buildings, Hale Farm - geograph.org.uk - 190317.jpg

The complex of buildings housing the Science Department at the Sardo Institute of Higher Learning. (Photo courtesy of Hugh Chevallier).

In related news, Monsignor Bacciagalupe also decried the decision of the Susan G. Komen for Cure institute to restore funding for breast cancer screenings to Planned Parenthood. Bacciagalupe stated that Planned Parenthood issues birth control devices to the public. Catholic doctrine forbids the use of birth control even though a vast majority of Catholic women practice some form of it in order to prevent pregnancy. Many devout Catholic women, according to Bacciagalupe, support the Church’s position on birth control. However, most are widows over the age of 80.

The monsignor continued that he much preferred that men undergo a vasectomy. “It’s a not a too bad,” he said. “And it a happens a so fast. Before you know it, it’s a finished. And a you never have to worry again.“

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Mitt Romney said today that he doesn’t care about poor people because nobody really gives a shit about them anyway and besides there’s this safety net thing.

And he doesn’t care about rich people because they already own half the damn planet.

But he does care about the middle class because that’s where most of the votes come from.

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said the candidate intends to pilfer as much money as he can from the poor and give it to the middle class and hopes that will win him the election.

November 1, 2011

The Folly Trolley

Mayor Bloomberg Blames Fannie and Freddie.

 

Mayor Bloomberg said today that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae are to blame for the blizzards that occurred in NYC shortly after he fired several hundred sanitation workers. He said Congress forced Fannie and Freddie to take such actions.

This year, the mayor vowed, the city would be handing out snow shovels at fire and police stations. Check your local newspaper for times and locations.

The mayor is reported to have said: “So global warming came a little late last year. Couldn’t happen two years in a row. So I’ll fire some more sanitation workers.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

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Hello, Mayor Bloomberg. Are you there, Mayor? Come in Mayor Bloomberg.

Houston, we have a problem. Mayor Bloomberg is lost in space.

Again.

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Donald Trump is planning a new reality TV show called Three Ring Circus. He’s hiring an elephant and training it to be master of ceremonies. Anything to pay the bills, right Donald.

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A fellow who just let it slip

That he took a cold skinny dip

With a girl who was eager

But laughed at his meager

Sad little leaguer that fit on a microchip.

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No nation can survive half prosperous and half poor: Half in the upper classes who dine on good food and fine wine and the other half who wait the tables and clean up after.

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Herman Cain, such a pain

Viewed two women with disdain.

Much to his forlorn regret

They’ve come back with spear and net

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Advice to this big a king of pizza

When a woman you next a meetsa

Best say madam s’cuse mum

I’ll a keepa my hands where you can a sees ’em.

Somebody is running a background check on this guy and finding skeletons in the closet.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost