Posts tagged ‘NSA’

March 20, 2014

The DC Folly Trolley – 03/23/14

Anything For A Buck. Or Billion.

Moscow 20 Mar 2014.

A report from the Kremlin today claims that Vladimir Putin offered to cede Crimea to ExxonMobil in exchange for a five year appointment as CEO of the giant global oil and gas conglomerate.

A spokesperson for the Soviet premier, as Putin prefers to be addressed in private, said if the Russian president can swing this deal, he would be set for life.

putin

Russian President Vlad Putin is all smiles, really liking what he’s hearing.(attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

Being president of the former Soviet republic pays peanuts, according to the statement.

In a related report, ousted Ukrainian President Victor Yanokovich purportedly said he would support the pact if Putin proferred a piece of the pie.

A Kremlin staff member, who spoke under conditions of strict anonymity, said that the former Ukrainian president offered to kick in a portion of eastern Ukraine if Putin would sweeten the deal a little.

Observers believe Putin would have to offer a significant piece of the action if he hoped to gain the support of Yanokovich.

Staff members of the two leaders have arranged an urgent meeting in an attempt to hammer out an agreement that would satisfy both parties.

***

The Geniuses Fumble.

NSA Headquarters, Fort Meade, Md. 20 March 2014.

UPW press is reporting that a young girl, who would identify herself only as Alice, claims to know the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Flight 390.

Analysts from the NTSB referred the claim to the FAA which immediately turned it over to the NSA whose agents are said to be gathering with CIA operatives in a hastily called meeting to evaluate the girl’s assertion.

However, a spokesman for the NSA revealed that the location of the lost Boeing 777, given by the girl as Wonderland, does not appear on any of the agency’s GPS devices.

The spokesman continued that NSA scientists would not rule out the possibility that the plane might have landed at a heretofore undiscovered region of the globe, one that is not programmed into GPS satellites. NSA experts are at this very moment in a meeting with CIA agents who are analyzing personal data hastily collected about the girl known only as Alice.

NSA scientists are cooperating with military authorities who are redirecting satellite emissions to the area where Wonderland is believed to be located.

Authorities admit however that they are still stumped about the whereabouts of the missing plane.

nsa

NSA headquarters. Think they’re not serious about their stuff.

***

A Slave Is A Slave.  Even in AZ.

Some guy named Jim Brown, whose a candidate for Congress from Arizona, said slavery wasn’t so bad.

In fact, he even likes it.

Brown is a slave to payola from guys who are richer than he is and as long as the candidate continues to suck up to rich folks he stands a chance to win the primary election and maybe go to Congress where he can suck up some more.

And get some more money.

And all he has to do is vote the way he’s told to and his owners will take good care of him.

See, being a slave ain’t so bad.

According to reports from the Brown camp, being an asshole ain’t bad either. And the candidate likes that even better. ‘Cause if you’re a Republican, that’s about the only way you can win an election these days.

Look for Brown to nose his way into Congress come November.

brown

Not to worry. He’s already apologized. Now that everybody knows where he stands. (Jim Brown Facebook via The Root).

_republican_compares_government_spending_to_slavery.html

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Cruelest Sanctions Imposed.

In keeping with President Barack Obama’s imposition of sanctions on Russia, Secretary of State John Kerry announced today that the US has halted all shipments of M&Ms to the former Soviet bloc nation.

In a top secret meeting, CIA agents revealed to Obama that M&Ms are the Russian presidents favorite candy.

The agents reported that Putin’s craving for the coated chocolate confection that melts in your mouth and not in your hands has reached addiction levels.

According to reports emanating from the Kremlin, Putin raged to his staff for hours over the cruel imposition of the candy ban.

An anonymous White House source revealed the details of an emergency phone conversation between Putin and Obama during which the Russian chief of state threatened “serious consequences” if Obama persisted in his banning of the Mars product.

The Russian chief also stated that negotiations would be ruled out under the conditions imposed by the US and that only by removing the candy ban can talks ever take place.

Obama seemed to relent by offering to permit the chocolate coated peanut variety to slip through the sanctions but Putin could not be mollified.

According to NSA intercepts of conversations between Putin and his wife, he hates the peanut kind because they stick in his teeth.

putin

Vladimir Putin suffering from a painful peanut particle stuck in his gums. (attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)

As of late this afternoon, the two sides have failed to reach an accord.

***

More Trouble For Christie.

As NJ Gov. Chris Christie becomes more deeply imbroiled in the trafficgate affair, staff members are concocting stories in hopes of finding just the right one that voters can believe in.

Here are some of the suggestions from Christie’s staff.

The governor:

never heard of the GWB.

thought Fort Lee was an army installation located on the US-Canadian border.

thought George W. Bush got stuck in a traffic jam and laughed his ass off.

believed Fort Lee was an French colonial base attacked by the Mohicans in 1753.

sea monsters

At last report, the governor is considering all suggestions.

***

Border Changes In 1000 Years.  See Animation.

http://loiter.co/v/watch-as-1000years-of-european-boarders-change/

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November 10, 2013

The DC Folly Trolley – 11/10/13

Hunger Builds Character.

Cafeteria workers in a Texas school threw a kid’s breakfast in the garbage because his food account was thirty cents in arrears. And now liberals are criticizing the workers who tossed the kid’s food because servers’ actions sent the 12-year old to class hungry.

poverty

The rich building character? Public assistance helped to reduce the rabid nature of Depression era poverty in the United States. A thought to ponder: Is the woman pictured responsible for the dire circumstances in which she and her children are forced to live? Or are they victims of a savage form of capitalism over which they have no control? Could extreme income inequality make the scene pictured above a commonplace in American culture? 

Hey, you can’t pay, you don’t eat, right? Besides, hunger builds character. That’s the American way.

The cafeteria workers behaved in a manner that prevents moral hazard from becoming a threat to our society. If they had given the kid breakfast, before you know it, he’d want to eat when he owed sixty cents. Some people will never learn.

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Oh, waiter, get over here. I’ll take a 12 oz. lobster tail and an 8 oz. filet du boeuf, rare and thick. Be sure it’s thick. A Waldorf salad before the dinner. And my usual of Dom Perignon 2003. And be quick about it. I don’t have all day.”

dimon1

And pick out the walnuts. I don’t want any walnuts!!!   (Original Phote:  World Economic ForumFlickrThe Global Financial Context: James Dimon).

“Those people will never learn.”

Now drink up, mon cherie. Remember we’re celebrating. My lawyer called earlier and said I just beat another rap. I pay a billion in tax deductible fines, with shareholder money of course, admit to no wrongdoing and I walk free and clear. Again.

“Where is our Waldorf!!! That waiter just lost his tip. Those people will never learn.”

***

Sarah and Ted. Ted and Sarah.

Ted and Sarah have been paling around a lot lately. Getting downright chummy actually. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Surely there’s no hanky panky going on. After all, they are conservatives. Sarah and Ted. Ted and Sarah. A perfect Tea Party couple.

Hello. NSA. Can you clue us in on this relationship?

***

Speaking Of NSA.

Speaking of NSA, the snooper guys have developed a method for conducting long distance prostate exams. According to an anonymous source, the folks who work in the dungeons located at (redacted) can shove a remotely guided electronic beam up the ass of any world leader at a moments notice.  The beam is said to relay medical information as well as intelligence data back to NSA headquarters in (redacted).

So if I were French King Francois Gerard Georges Nicolas Hollande XIV, I wouldn’t sweat the cell phone tap.

By the way, Francois, you’re in good health.

hollande

Francois Hollande, President of France, a man with a bug up his ass, courtesy NSA. (Orig. photo by Kyro).

***

Putzie Winner Proclaimed.

Pasta Fagioli, Italy.

breaking

Here’s is an exclusive report filed moments ago by UPW’s Super Senior International Affairs Correspondent Marcy Popindick. The Nobella Prize Committee declared multimillionaire televangelist Pat Robertson the winner of the MVP award in bigotry.

The award goes to Robertson because he really, really, really doesn’t like gay people or gay marriage or the entire LGBT freedom movement. When asked how he felt about gays, Robertson replied, “Yuckie.”

According to notorious gay hater Niall Ferguson, the TV preacher’s statement will go down in the history of Letters for its pithiness and brilliance in summarizing the feelings of bigots the world over.

Robertson is also noted for wanting to place a vomit button on his Facebook page to ward off the bad spirits proclaiming gay equality in marriage and employment.

In view of Robertson’s consistent expressions of antipathy toward gays, the Nobella Committee is proud to present the televangelist with the Most Valuable Putz award.

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Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.  

Pat Robertson Named ‘Bigot Of The Year’ At Stonewall Awards

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Ode To A Jester.

There once was a jester named Lester
Who wanted a stringent sequester.
The name of the game
For Lester was fame.
Which he earned as he spoke till he’d fester.
.
The jester may well be named Cruz.
In the Senate he lit up a fuse.
His name he’d defame
But to him all the same.
He showed himself hardly a muse.
jester

Lester the Jester lit the fuse of Ted Cruz

 

He conducted a long filibuster.
The Tea Party ’round him would cluster.
With the toss of the dice.
He could name a high price.
As votes from the right he could muster.

***

A Day To Remember.

The Sardo Institute of Superfluous Holidays located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy has proclaimed Sunday November 10, 2013 World Schmuck Day.

Dedicated to the proposition that every schmuck should have his day, The Sardo Institute is celebrating by inviting Poet Laureate Emeritus Summa Cumma Louder Mangiapasta Bacciagalupe to join the festivities and regale the honorees with a poem. Here is the professor’s contribution to World Schmuck Day.

There once was a schmuck had a duck.
The duck wouldn’t quack it would cluck.
He went to a vet
Who wanted to get
The duck with the schmuck to upchuck.
.
In his throat the duck got muck stuck.
It was simply a case of bad luck.
He ate from a pile
Then after awhile
The duck with the cluck ran amok.
.
Because the poor thing wouldn’t quack.
The schmuck locked the duck in a shack.
When free of his tethers
The duck pulled out his feathers.
And was ready to stew for a snack.
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The duck made a wonderful stew.
The schmuck ate it in haste with a brew.
Infected with staph
The duck had the last laugh
When the schmuck with the duck ate the stew he up threw.
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The schmuck with the duck still had no clue
And the day that they met he soon came to rue.
For the duck was a mean and heartless gift.
From a woman who was uncontrollably miffed.
It came from his ex who’d turned into a shrew.

The moral of the story:  Once a schmuck, always a schmuck.