Posts tagged ‘Olive Garden’

February 23, 2012

Hearings on Religious Freedom

Committee Chairman Says Hearings Are on Freedom of Religion And Not Birth Control for Women.

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Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) Chairman of the House Oversight Committee.

The House Committee on Oversight held a hearing this week on the mandate in Obama’s Affordable Care Act that employers provide birth control coverage to women free of charge. Testifying before the committee was the Rt. Rev. William E. Lori who protested the mandate, claiming that it violated the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of religion.

He likened the requirement to forcing all restaurants that serve food to offer pork on the menu, including Kosher delis.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Olive Garden, speaking under conditions of anonymity, told UPW reporter Marcy Popindick that, in order to avoid criticism that freedom of religion is violated by the current menu and to accommodate devoutly religious Jews, the restaurant chain would begin serving gefilte fish in all of its establishments. Another menu item under consideration is bagels and lox.
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So that’s what an olive garden looks like.

English: English: Barack Obama signing the Pat...

President Obama signing the Affordable Care Act that requires employers to provide birth control to women free of charge.

The owner of a Jewish delicatessen across the street from an Olive Garden restaurant complained that the chain would now be engaging in unfair competition with small privately owned establishments.

However, the deli owner noted that scientists at the Sardo Institute of Veterinary Medicine and Animal Husbandry have developed a hormone that renders pig meat porkless and that he may begin serving that delicacy in his delicatessen.

The hormone, a synthetic chemical developed at the Institute, genetically modifies the fetus of a pregnant hog so that the newborn produces porkless meat.

Scientists at the Sardo Veterinary School have also invented a sound wave emitting probe which, when inserted into the pregnant pig’s vagina, determines that the genetic modification has actually taken place. The pregnant pig, according to the scientists, will not be forced to view the resulting sonogram.


Scientists at the Sardo Institute have described these pigs as providing porktless meat.

Observant Jews will be gratified to know that they can now enjoy a BLT or a pepperoni pizza without violating dietary laws. The new porkless pig meat, however, causes stomach cancer in humans.

According to the spokesman for Olive Garden the new menu will begin to appear in the restaurants in the near future.

From the UPW newsroom, surpassing the mainstream media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

November 5, 2011

Obama Birth Back In The News

An image of a sample Certificate of Live Birth...

It can't be any plainer than this - for rational people that is. Image via Wikipedia

Republicans are trying to sneak the Obama birth controversy back into the news.

 Obama’s Birth Certificate Is Fake? (

Trump: ‘I Don’t Know’ If Obama Birth Certificate Is Authentic

Tush Limpole, right wing extremist radio host, today interviewed Flippiano Scamarelli, former CEO of Peter the Rock Christian Capital Management Fund.

Scamarelli, one time editor of the Washington Blowhole, is the reporter who blew open the secret of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate. He won the Schmuckup Award in Journalism for his reporting on Tush Limpole’s journey to Africa to retrieve the document.

CertifiGATE !!! (

The Washington Blowhole, whose tagline is DC’s most honored newspaper, is also winner of numerous Putzie Prizes for its reporting on political issues from the nation’s Capital.

Flippiano has revived the controversy over the country of President Barack Obama’s birth. The two discussed Limpole’s trip to Africa. He returned to the United States about a year ago with the actual Obama birth certificate in hand. After an extended period of captivity, the right wing radio host and the chief of the tribe into which Obama was born, finally arrived at an agreement to exchange the document.

According to tribal lore, so the chief claims, Barack Obama was born in Nigeria in a thatched hut to a white woman who delivered with the assistance of a midwife. A couple of medicine men in attendance spread fairy dust about the hut and claimed to be witnesses to the event.

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A thatched hut similar to the one Republicans claim Barack Obama was born in.

The chief presented Limpole with the actual notarized birth certificate signed by the tribal notary after Limpole agreed to pay $1,000,000 for the original document.

Scamarelli traveled to Africa with the cash and was present when the exchange took place. Limpole was then released from captivity with the birth certificate in hand.

Limpole also returned with recorded depositions from the midwife and the medicine men attesting to their presence in the hut during Obama’s birth. Unfortunately Tush recorded the sworn statements in the tribal language known as Mangadufus which no one knows and hence the digitized recordings cannot be translated into any known language in the civilized world.

Limpole however did manage to convince the chief of the tribe, who speaks fluent English, to attest to the veracity of the depositions. For his trouble, however, the chief insisted that he be given a gift card for a pair of Ferragamo loafers and one for dinner for himself and his thirty two wives at Olive Garden.

After the settlement, the chief invited Limpole and Scamarelli to use his private Gulfstream jet for the trip back to the United States.

Scamarelli has achieved notoriety recently for statements that Social Security is a Ponzi Scheme. He insists that if the plan’s funds were invested by Wall Street investment firms in derivatives and other securities, beneficiaries would soon become wealthy.

The former CEO of the Christian capital management fund received a severance package from Peter the Rock totaling 1.3 billion dollars. Shortly after Scamarelli cashed the check the fund declared bankruptcy.

Scamarelli is currently under indictment for misuse of the fund’s funds. He told Limpole that he really doesn’t give a flip about the charges because he has contributed enough protection money to the mobsters in Congress that he expects to get off scot-free.