Posts tagged ‘Pasta e fagioli’

October 6, 2013

The DC Folly Trolley – 10/06/13

Genghis Khan Suffers Defeat.

On this day in 1192 Genghis Khan, emperor of the Mongol empire, suffered one his greatest defeats.

The great emperor appointed a commission to examine the causes of the tragic rout and report back to him personally in two weeks.

khan

A portrait of Genghis Khan, artist unknown. (Public domain, PD-Art).

Two years and millions of yuan later, the great Khan received the report. It revealed that the battle was lost due to a lack of arrows.

Apparently, Genghis had appointed a new general to manage of the Office of Procurement and Inventory Control (OFOPROAINVCON).

The general issued a policy stating that arrows would not be issued without a signature on a signed requisition form and a valid photo ID.

In order to get the ID, a birth certificate, Social Security card and a utility bill with the warriors name and place of residence was required.

The general’s policy also stated that an X placed in the signature field of the new requisition form would not be acceptable for identification purposes.

The measure was in keeping with the general’s austerity program which he promised would save Khan billions of yuan as well as millions of water chestnuts, an exchange medium used by numerous Mongolian peasants.

On that eventful day when the Mongol forces fled in a rout due to want of an arrow, most of the warriors were standing in long lines waiting for their daily arrow ration. The delays were so numerous and the confusion so great that the Office of Procurement and Inventory Control shut down.

Needless to say, the shutdown of the OFOPROAINVCON forced by the new general’s austerity measures was identified as the chief cause of the defeat of the emperor’s forces.

To this day, no one knows where that general is buried.

***

Prize Announced.

Here is an exclusive from the UPW newsroom in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.

Unreliable Press Worldwide, the leader in mainstream media news, reported moments ago that the Nobella Committee announced John Boehner as the winner of the coveted Schumckup Prize in Literature. He won for his contribution to letters when he stated that “I weally shtuck my weewee in a winger this time.”

BOEHNER

Boehner also said “whatever happened to the good old days when I could get drunk in peace. Barkeep make that a double.”

Nobella Committee Chairperson Pasquale Mangiapasta proclaimed Boehner the winner in a brief statement praising the House Speaker’s eloquence from the committee’s headquarters located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy.

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Winners of The Schmuckup Prize receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize.

In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

To win The Schmuckup Prize you can’t be an ordinary schmuckup. There are already thousands of those in the nation’s capital. No, you have to be an extraordinarily monumental schmuckup and we are proud to say the most recent winner fits that description.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

***

Subsidy Or Tax Credit.

Not to worry about your Obamacare subsidy. The refund you will be getting, if you qualify, will cover everything you are entitled to, even if you didn’t pay any taxes.

The confusion resulted from so many pundits and websites (including Kaiser Permanante) referring to the subsidy as a tax credit. A tax credit is a refund against taxes paid and it is limited to the amount paid in Federal income taxes and no more. No taxes, no credit.

Obamacare pays a subsidy. As such, all who enroll will receive all of the contribution they are entitled to based on family income. The subsidy will pay more of your health insurance premium or less based on that income and premiums.

aca

In the USA, we still profit off health care. Obamacare doesn’t change that.  (Photo:  In Sappho We Trust, Los Angeles).  

One catch however. The subsidy is paid directly to the health insurance company. Sweet deal for them. Hopefully, it will be just as sweet for everyone forced to sign up for health insurance. To be determined.

So far, the best that can be said for Obamacare is that it is better than nothing. And even that is still to be determined.

For example, the Bronze Plan, the cheapest with the least coverage, has a 60/40 split (the insurance pays the 60. Phew). But a plan may contain deductibles. If you must meet a $3,000 deductible before benefits kick in, you’re on the hook for that amount. You get nothing, nada, zippo until you’ve spent the three grand on medical expenses. Only after you meet that requirement does the 60/40 kick in. Moreover, you will have to pay the premium each and every month.

Like I said, it’s better than nothing.

Complex and confusing and a thousand pages long, the program could turn into a loser when a person needs care but can’t come up with the deductible and this after paying the premiums.

A single payer Medicare for all would have been so much simpler.. Obama, however, bailed on the public option when it was well within his grasp, in effect, turning his back on We the People.

Well, there’s always Hillary. Will she be any better? Stay tuned.

***

National Gnome Day

The Sardo Institute For Profit Education For The Hopelessly Ignorant (Beware: Heavy Republican enrollment) has just declared October 5 National Gnome Day.

No not genome, gnome. You remember those pesky little fellows who live underground and usually guard something valuable.

Well, it’s official. There is a Gnome Day, twenty four full hours set aside to honor the mysterious little creatures.

In keeping with the festivities, The Sardo Institute is hosting a Limerick contest. Below is an entry composed by the Institute’s poet laureate emeritus summa cumma louder, Jocapo Bacciagalupe.

abba

Gnomes representing the musical group ABBA. (Photo by John O’Neil).

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There once was a guy from Peru
Who added some brew to a stew.
He sipped it for taste
Then added with haste
More brew to the stew which soon he would rue.
.
The stew with the brew soon started to spew
A heap of malt liquor as the stew it grew
To a mountain of foam
That soon filled the home
Which to clean to a gleam took a little gnome’s crew.
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The guy from Peru flew into the foam.
Which mixed with the stew and turned into loam.
From the loam rose a gnome
With a heavenly dome.
The gnome with the dome said “my name is Jerome.”
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The gnome named Jerome flew in from Rome.
Not on a plane but a magic comb.
He sat on a chair
And announced with a flair.
The stew with the foam made my day in the loam.
.
Jerome sipped the foam that grew in the loam.
He fell from the chair and broke the Rome comb.
He then broke as well his heavenly crown.
Now Jerome is a gnome of worldwide renown.
Jerome from Rome is a bald headed gnome.
.
The comb for Jerome was now of no use.
It broke in the loam from constant abuse.
The gnome from Rome was fit to die.
He had no means with which to fly.
For Jerome the Soused there was no excuse.
.
Jerome with no comb said in drunken despair
The crown of renown now has no hair.
In deeper despair, he was said to bemoan
He lost it alone in the loam with the foam.
Now the dome of Jerome shines with bald headed glare.
.
It is there in the loam that Jerome now resides.
A life now fickle that rolls with the tides.
For the foam in the loam
Birthed a drunken gnome
Whose sotted behavior the world now derides.
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April 28, 2012

Candidate Wins Award

Mitt-Romney

Romney enters his hair as a contestant in the new TV reality show "Styling With The Stars.' Mitt-Romney (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that US presidential candidate Mitt Romney has won the Nobella MVP award.

Mitt won for his statement that college students shouldn’t take out government loans to pay for college.  They should simply borrow the money from their parents.

And exactly where does Mitt “dog on roof” Romney believe parents are going to come up with the kind of scratch to put a son or a daughter through college?  Much less three kids?  That, of course, assumes that all parents have tens of thousands of dollars in the mattress just waiting for the kids to graduate from high school.

“Dog on roof” also noted that times are really, really hard for college students now graduating.  There are no jobs for about half of them.  And, of course, he said he would change all that, meaning the economic conditions existing in a country with few jobs available – conditions that he and his group of greedy capitalists contributed to.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

UPW Senior National Correspondent Marcy Popindick attempted to contact Romney to get a comment on his comments:

Hello, Mitt.  Mitt, are you there?  Come in, Mitt.  Houston, we have a problem.  Mitt Romney is lost in space.

Yes, “dog on roof” is really out ‘dere.  Waaaaay out ‘dere.

Popindick also wanted to congratulate the candidate for being the winner of the Most Valuable Putz award.

The prize was also given for his pointing that some guy named Jimmy John borrowed twenty grand from his parents to open a sandwich shop.  Good for Jimmy John.  And Romney undoubtedly knows thousands of parents with Swiss bank accounts and millions salted away in the Cayman Islands so they can avoid the taxes they justifiable owe their country.  And they would only lend their son $20,000.00!!!  What a bunch of cheapskates!!!  I guess greed is a family thing that even operates within the family.

Anyway, “dog on roof” Romney wins the MVP.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Unreliable Press Worldwide:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

April 21, 2012

Committee Declares Winner

From its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, the Nobella Prize Committee awarded its prestigious MVP prize to Virginia Foxx (R-NC).  Representing North Carolina’s 5th Congressional district, the congresswoman said this week that she has no sympathy for college students who are now amassing huge debts to earn an undergraduate degree.

File:Virginia Foxx.jpg


The woman with no sympathy for students amassing huge college debts, but who graciously votes to give government handouts to profit colleges regardless of amounts, quality or standards of any sort.  That’s the American way.

The congresswoman stated that she worked her way through school and that it took her seven years just to get through third grade.  Nonetheless, she said that if students worked they wouldn’t need to accumulate the thirty, forty, fifty thousand dollars and more to graduate from college.

Apparently, this foxxy fox never borrowed a dime to pay for her degree from UNC Chapel Hill.  However, according to Edward Murray posting at The Huffington Post, the cost of a year of tuition in 1968, the year Foxx attended UNC, was $1245.00 dollars.  That’s about the cost of a year of textbooks today – textbooks that publishers and sit-on-their-ass professors are cashing in on.  (Just to be clear, scuttlebutt has it that some professors actually teach classes).

Edwards also notes that the minimum wage was 38% higher in today’s dollars.  If the minimum wage had kept pace with inflation over the last fifty years or so, it would be about $11.00 an hour.  A minimum wage at that level might give students a fighting chance but that’s a program her party has been trying to destroy ever since its inception in 1938.

As an added incentive to award the Most Valuable Putz to Ms. Foxx, the Committee noted that the congresswoman sits on the Higher Education and Workforce Training Subommittee where she regularly gets her palms greased by lobbyists for profit- making universities that charge exorbitant fees, offer little in the way of education, hire commissioned salesmen to snatch students and then separate them from their government loan money.

(By the way, The Sardo Institute of Higher Learning located in Pasta Fagioli, Italy, accepts a student’s government loan money in payment of tuition even though the Institute offers no degrees, holds no classes and makes no guarantee that a student will ever find a job.  Hey, at least, we’re not faking it like some profit colleges).

So we congratulate Ms. Foxx for winning the award.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar which is engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie, the coveted statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard.

The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

Correction:  Actually, Ms. Foxx didn’t take seven years to complete third grade. It took her that long to finish college.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy.  Unreliable Press Worldwide:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

March 25, 2012

The American Way

A spokesman for the Romney campaign said today that as soon as the candidate wins the nomination he will begin reversing his positions on the following issues:

I took this picture at the "Ask Mitt Anyt...

This picture was taken at the "Ask Mitt Anything" townhall at the NHIOP (Saint Anselm College) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mitt Romney seems to have a family predisposition for flip flopping.  It’s worth noting once again his father’s famous turnabout during the presidential campaign of 1968 when as a supporter of the Vietnam War he said after a visit to the country that he had been “brainwashed” by the generals. Eugene McCarthy, also a candidate, retorted “I think a light rinse would have been sufficient. “  

Abortion

Romney will support all abortions for all women.

Birth Control. He will support the free distribution of all birth control methods and devices by Planned Parenthood and require all employers to provide access to birth control to employees free of charge.

Margaret Sanger Deutsch: Margaret Sanger (* 1879)

Margaret Sanger (1879-1966), founder of Planned Parenthood, coined the term "birth control.". (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Minimum Wage: After reversing his position that the minimum wage should be tied to the Consumer Price Index he will again reverse himself and yet again support tying the minimum wage to the CPI.

Affordable Care Act: He will support the administration’s health insurance plan and insist that it be called Robamneycare.

Wall Street Fraud: He will present legislation to strictly regulate the financial industry and reinstate Glass-Steagall.

The Economy: Romney will send to Congress a trillion dollar package to stimulate the economy and help states that are struggling with budget deficits.

Unemployment: He will extend and increase unemployment benefits for those unfortunate people who lost their jobs due largely due to Wall Street chicanery.

Foreclosures: He will force banks to renegotiate mortgages with home owners whose homes lost half their value because of lender fraud.

None of the foregoing remarks are intended to be factual statements. Actually, taking a cue from candidate Romney, I told a bunch of bald faced lies.  We make up; you decide.

Oh well. Such is politics. I guess you could call it the American way.

***

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta went to Afghanistan this week in an effort to whitewash the murder of seventeen innocent men, women and children by a stressed out American soldier. The man was obviously suffering from severe stress syndrome after serving four tours in war zones.

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks w...

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta walks with U.S. Ambassador Karl W. Eikenberry, left, and Afghan Defense Minister Gen. Abdul Rahim Wardak as he arrives at the presidential palace in Kabul, Afghanistan, July 9, 2011. DOD photo by U.S. Air Force Tech. Sgt. Jacob N. Bailey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In addition to some yada, yada, yada, Panetta said, “This is not the first…” time that this kind of bullshit will happen “and it probably won’t be the last.”

So, according to our esteemed Secretary of Defense, we can look forward to the murder of many more innocent civilians, including women and children, in this and future American wars.

I guess we finally have to admit to ourselves, it’s the American way.

***

Acknowledging Panetta’s forthrightness and unmitigated stupidity, the Nobella Prize Committee announced from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy that it has awarded the MVP prize to the secretary.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news the world over.

***

President Obama said this week that he is committed to completing “the mission responsibility” in Afghanistan. Presumably he will continue the mission even if it means driving soldiers so close to the edge of insanity that they will murder innocent men, women and children. The president’s determination seems to reveal itself only in matters of war. Something we can all be very proud of. After all, it’s the American way.

***

American forces have been in Afghanistan for more than ten years now. Ten years and our esteemed generals still have not trained a police force capable of providing law and order in that war torn country. We’ve spent $6 billion dollars on that effort alone and can’t put enough cops on the beat to protect law abiding citizens.

In view of this rank incompetence, veterans of foreign wars should take it upon themselves to demand that the Defense Department create a new ribbon – you know, those things that generals wear on the uniforms of their puffed out chests. A good name for the ribbon, of course, would be the Rank Incompetence Medal and would be awarded to the rank of one star and above. It would recognize the ability of generals who start wars they always seem to lose.

***

We interrupt this report for a bulletin from the UPW Newsroom.

The Nobella Prize Committee announced just moments ago that it is awarding The Schmuckup Prize to American generals who start wars they never win. The Committee recognized that the generals have involved their nation in a war that has lasted more than ten years, have wasted more than $60 billion dollars a year on the effort and have yet to train a police for adequate enough to protect the country.

So, at the Pentagon at least, starting wars they can’t win is becoming the American way.

Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley...

War unfortunately is a human condition and the nation cannot make do without its generals despite their foibles and failures. Some of the great ones are pictured. Generals Dwight D. Eisenhower and Omar Bradley talk with a young member of the French resistance in the American sector during the liberation of Lower Normandy in the summer of 1944. ID: p013328 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Winners of The Schmuckup Prize receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. In addition, winners are given the coveted statuette called The Little Schmucky engraved with the words “Schmucked up beyond all reason.” The Little Schmucky is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. All prizes are awarded while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

***

You may have read in WaPO’s The Plum Line by Greg Sargent that Karl Rove said that killing bin Laden “was not a biggie.”

To make his point, Rove told a teensie, weensie bald face lie. He misquoted Bill Clinton when he wrote that the former president said “that’s a call he would have made.” What Clinton actually said was “I hope that’s a call I would have made.”

Rove’s op-ed, of course, was an attempt to paper over George Bush’s categorical failure to capture or kill bin Laden by allowing him to escape through a military ambush. The terrorist then went on to live a life of luxury in Pakistan.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. B...

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia with George W. Bush at the Prairie Chapel Ranch. Who Is the World’s Worst Dictator? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just wondering. Isn’t the Bush family good friends with many Saudis including the bin Laden family? Didn’t Bush permit the Saudis who were in the US during 9/11 to exit the country the next day despite the fly ban? Bush is known to have extended more than one favor to his friends. Did he allow bin Laden to slip through a crack in the ambush?

Oh, Georgie, couldn’t you do us just this one little favor?”

We make up; you decide.