Posts tagged ‘Rick Santorum’

March 24, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Rick Santorum is apparently enamored of the practices of the devout Catholic organization known as Opus Dei or Work of God. Many members of this religious group devote their lives to emulating the suffering of Christ. Some adherents place spiked chains between their thighs to induce pain and so to demonstrate devotion to their crucified Savior.

Why, I even heard that some devotees employ whips, chains, constraints and other pain inducing devices to demonstrate their love.

Of course, I could be mistaking Opus Dei with other organizations I hear about from time to time. Then again, maybe not.

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) los...

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (right) lost a friendly football bet to Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy. Here Santorum wears a Patriots hat and presents Kennedy and his staff with Philly cheesesteaks. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OH MY GOD!!!  He’s a gambler!  Wave goodbye to the Bible Belt, Rick.

***

Well, kids get rid of your hoodies and loosey jeans and buy you some suspenders.

I’m not African-American. I’m Italian. But a coupla days in the sun and I could get shot if I happen to be taking a walk in Florida.

And thanks for the tip, Geraldo. But don’t you think your comment will be bad for the hoodie business.

File:Geraldo Rivera.jpg

Great for suspender sales, but what about the hoodie business. Better start divesting.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

And here’s a tip from me. Next time you plan to go to Florida, practice your fast draw for a few days. I mean, who can tell, someone could mistake you for a drug dealer and you’ll be pushing up daisies in an orange grove. And it will all be your fault.

***

The scuttlebutt around the Street is Jon Corzine mislaid a couple billion dollars. Hey! A billion here, a billion there. Who can keep track?

Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from ...

Oh, shit. Where did I put that damn billion anyway?. Jon Corzine, Governor and former Senator from New Jersey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By the way, Jon, could you see your way to lending me a fast mil.  I gotta fill up my SUV this weekend.

OK if I keep the change?

***

Rick Santorum’s wife said this week that God is calling him to be president.

UPW’s Senior National News Correspondent Marcy Popindick intercepted a voice mail message from God to Santorum. (She did it in the United Kingdom so it’s OK; at least according to the policeman she bribed).

A transcript of the tape revealed the following recording:

Hello? Hello, Rick? God here. Answer the damn phone. I wish you’d keep your cell turned on. It’s a real pain in the ass trying to reach you. I’m not into all this texting bullshit, ya know. And it can be real distracting when you’re flying through all these clouds we’ve got up here.

I just want you to know you’ve got my vote, guy. Now don’t screw this thing up. The Empire needs you. You get elected, appoint a couple more Catholics to the Supreme Court and there’s a pope waiting in the wings who can run the whole planet. I gotta plan you haven’t seen since the popes fucked up the Crusades. This time it’ll work. And I’m talkin’ the whole planet here not just the Holy Land.

And keep you cell phone turned on. I hate this goddam voice mail . I can’t get a hold of anyone anymore. Not even the pope. Such bullshit you never heard:

‘Pax vobiscum. This is Pope Benedict the XVI. I’m either on the phone or taking another piss. Leave a message and I’ll call back as soon as I’m finished.’

You believe that shit. And I’m God for chrissakes.”

File:Popemobile passes the White House.jpg

Yes, there is a popemobile. With his money, he couldn’t do a little better?

March 18, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

If Congress passes a law declaring sperm to be people, the population of the world will increase exponentially – like maybe a trillion to the tenth power. Any guess as to how many zeros that is? And that might not be enough.

Personhood for sperm raises a lot of questions. Would a dead sperm need a decent burial? Could be a quick fix for the unemployment problem, ya know. Everybody would have to become an undertaker. Which raises more the questions: Would a sperm have to be embalmed? How much would a casket cost? Who would send flowers? Would a sperm need life insurance? How much would it cost? Would government assistance be available if the sperm didn’t have an insurance policy? Would Obama submit legislation to Congress mandating that all sperm carry life insurance?

Warning:  If you have an aversion to dirty pictures, stop here.

File:Sperm-egg.jpg

A dirty picture of a sperm that survived.

***

Wouldn’t legislation requiring sperm to be considered people make all men mass murderers? And women accessories? At least in some cases?

Just asking.

***

Rick Santorum is now advocating a ban on the distribution of pornography. He probably doesn’t know this but that position could cost him the entire South in the general election. Per capita, the Bible Belt states spend more money on pornographic material than any other region in the nation.

He says pornography is toxic to marriage and relationships. Well, so is fracking. It is also harmful to people’s health – fracking that is – and so far as I know he hasn’t called for a ban on that. And no doubt never will.

But before we go any further, we suggest one of Santorum’s advisers explain to him just exactly what fracking is so he doesn’t get it confused with that other thing you aren’t supposed to do if you use birth control when you’re doing it.  (So far, the BC ban applies only to Catholics.  So far).

Whether he succeeds in banning dirty pictures or not, the issue is still a good way to rile up the “better than thou” folks, like ya know, Christians who want you to live your life the way they tell you to.

***

Catholics who use birth control are committing a sin that will condemn their immortal souls to the raging fires of Hell for all eternity. Also, the pope doesn’t approve.

I guess the church’s policy applies to women only. The old men of the church have always hated women and it’s the women who use most of the stuff. Not the men mind you – unless we’re speaking of condoms and vasectomies.

Yes. Ever since Eve, it’s always been those damn women. Just can’t keep from spreading their legs. The “aspirin between the knees” method just doesn’t seem to be working – even with a whole bottle of the stuff in the medicine cabinet.

And all those rumors you’ve been reading about priests, bishops and popes fucking their brains out over the centuries are just that – rumors.

OK. OK. So some popes have had kids (out of wedlock of course so as not to violate the church’s celibacy rule). But so what. That doesn’t mean they have to like it.

Nevertheless, I’ve never known a priest who carried an aspirin in his pocket when inviting a woman from the parish for whatcha call your “religious consultation.” Not all priests like little boys, ya know. Some actually like girls. Provided they’ve reached the age of consent, naturally. Or maybe a bored housewife or two. Who can tell?

Oh, father. I forgot my aspirin.”

Don’t worry, my child. You won’t be needing it tonight.”

***

The Westboro Baptist Church – you know, those fundamentalist folks who hate just about every type of human behavior except that which they specifically approve – is apparently preparing ads to be broadcast on the Rush Limbaugh show. Birds of a feather. Guess they haven’t heard the rumors about Rush’s past.

Viagra anyone. The Westboro Baptist Church would approve. Aren’t you lucky?  There isn’t a whole lot these extremists do like.  You could say intolerance is their message.

Jael Phelps picketing Trinity Episcopal Church...

(This photo is copyrighted but free to use for any purpose). Image via Wikipedia

Westboro Baptist Church Anti-Jewish Picketing

Yes, they do pretend to be Christians. Image via Wikipedia (Public domain).

***

It’s time for AARP to support increases in Social Security. Retirees have been cheated long enough by schemes that underestimate inflation and shortchange seniors.

Members must face up to the facts. AARP is basically an insurance agency, perhaps the largest agency in the world. It gives nothing to its members they don’t pay for in premiums and members should realize they are getting nothing in return they aren’t paying for.

As for the benefits it claims for members, many other organizations offer similar discounts.

The message from retirees to the executives of AARP is a simple one: Support increases to retirement programs or back off. You are either with the retirees or against them.

These meetings with the cut-and-gut crowd are totally unnecessary and uncalled for. In fact, they raise suspicions of a scam in the making.

***

There is one way the Ryan health insurance debacle can be rescued. That is for government to pay 100% of the premiums demanded by health insurance companies forever. Yeah, right.

The real scam of the Ryan plan is to dump medical costs of the elderly on to the individual whether or not he or she has insurance and can pay for the care. The plan’s terms can be summed up in one phrase: Can’t pay, no doctor. You’re on your own, pal.

We’ll all be retired someday and the American people have demonstrated time and again that they want the social programs now in place to remain a part of the nation’s social safety net. And are willing to pay for the programs through payroll deductions. The cut and gut politicians who are trying to destroy the programs are acting in defiance of the will of the people and on behalf of a tiny minority of the rich.

And now back to Paul Ryan (the one with the shit eating grin – see photo) the tax cut and spend right wing Republican. Ryan voted repeatedly and continuously to raise the deficit and spend, spend, spend during the Bush administration. The man is one of the biggest spenders in the GOP – and that takes some doing, for with few exceptions, Republicans have shown themselves to be among the biggest spenders on the planet.

File:Paul Ryan, official portrait, 111th Congress.jpg

***

Darrell Issa, entombed for eight years during the Bush Administration, has finally emerged from his cacoon.

He said we’ve been lied to by the Justice Department.

 

Well, for heaven’s sake. You don’t say.

We were lied to for eight years during the Bush administration. And Issa is just coming to the realization that government lies. Fasinating.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

February 25, 2012

Santorum Declines Probe

Scientists at the Sardo Institute of Proctology have developed a transcolon ultrasound probe that can detect penile penetration in the anus of men. Before being sworn in, all male members of the Virginia legislature will be required to undergo a transcolon probe.

File:Piskarevka station old building.JPG

The Sardo Institute of Proctology conveniently located near an abandoned railroad.

All new male members of Congress will be required to undergo the procedure as well.

Actually, it’s not a bad idea. Good way to come out of the closet.

When asked to volunteer for trials of the new device, Rick Santorum declined saying it was an invasion of his privacy.

A spokesman for Santorum said what he does with his asshole is nobody’s business but his own.

***

Wife Drives Two Caddys

Mitch Romney claimed today that his wife drives two Cadillacs. The dog sits on the roof.

File:Cadillac-Deville.jpg

Two Caddys in every garage.

***

 Gov. Bob McDonnell of Virginia today underwent a transcranial ultrasound probe. The test revealed nothing.

When commenting on the legislation requiring pregnant women to undergo a transvaginal untrasound probe, the governor said “what’s a vagina anyway? Oh, that’s a vagina.”

The governor also stated that in the future he will insist that advisers read legislation and explain it to him before he issues any comments.

File:Female reproductive system lateral.png

So who does this belong to anyway: Republicans, the Church or the woman who owns it.

February 16, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

We practice a particularly vicious brand of capitalism in this country. I call it T-Rex capitalism because the Wall Street and corporate gangsters who advocate for it are as voracious as any tyrannosaur that ever roamed the earth.

T. rex

T. rex (Photo credit: e_monk)

The tyrannosaurs of Wall Street will devour us all – and love every minute of the slaughter.

***

A fellow was way off his game.
Too many women made it go lame
He was a fine dude
But thoughts of gals lewd
Put his game and his fame to ignominious shame.

***

Ten ways to keep corporate tyrannosaurs happy:

  1. Lower taxes on earned income.

  2. Reduce the capital gains tax to zero.

  3. Give a 100% deduction for all corporate jets.

  4. Eliminate the minimum wage.

  5. Eliminate labor unions.

  6. Eliminate the Labor Department.

  7. Eliminate the NLRB.

  8. Eliminate child labor laws.

  9. Eliminate the 40 hr. work week requirement and overtime pay.


That’s just for starters. I’m sure Congress can come up with many other ways to provide help to our corporate masters.

***

A Republican governor said the GOP deserves credit for the economy. Sure, Republicans and their conservative allies can take credit for it beginning with Ronald Reagan’s supply-side thirty years ago. They’ve been trying their hardest to screw it up ever since and are succeeding beyond their wildest imaginations.

Ronald Reagan.

Image via Wikipedia

A little more make-up on the left please.

***

Foster Friess, billion backer of Rick Santorum, said today that back in his day the ladies used aspirin as a method of birth control. Apparently, they held an aspirin between their knees and it wasn’t an expensive method..

Back in my day, they used a guy’s head for contraception. The gals put it between their legs and that wasn’t very expensive either. Worked too.

Back in those days I was still a Catholic and I used contraceptive devices. And for that sinful behavior my immortal soul has long since been consigned a place in the everlasting fires of Hell. So I don’t really care much about the head method of contraception – not then; not now.

***

Unreliable Press Worldwide is reporting today that a spokesman for the Rick Santorum campaign, speaking under conditions anonymity, stated that if elected president, Santorum will nominate Pope Benedict XVI for a seat on the Supreme Court. If his nomination is approved by the Senate, the Pope is considered certain to cast his vote against abortion and birth control. The Pope would be the sixth Catholic and represent the sixth extreme conservative justice to sit on the bench.

File:Bush and Benedictus 81st birthday 2008.jpg

UPW is also reporting consistent rumors emanating from the Vatican that the College of Cardinals is considering elevating a US cardinal to the papacy and having him compete for the Republican nomination for the US presidency in 2016 should Obama win reelection.

February 11, 2012

The DC Folly Trolley

Seems Rick Santorum didn’t win any delegates with his primary victories this week. However, maybe it isn’t the delegates he’s after right now.

File:Rick Santorum, Soda Jerk - Caricature.jpg

Bet he cashes in on those victories pretty good though. At least twenty to thirty million, probably more. Delegates? No. Who needs delegates if you don’t have the cash! Only one thing works in US politics. You gotta have the geetus. No boodle and you’re a sure loser. The victories should fill Santorum’s coffers with millions – of dollars naturally.

***

Little Ricky also said that Obama’s policies toward religion have put his administration on a path toward decapitation of Christianity.

Decapitation? So why not crucifixion? That’s the way the Romans exercised control over religious dissidents. And what’s wrong with a little crucifixion every now and then. Surely any devout Christian would prefer to be crucified rather than have his head chopped off.

Come on, Little Ricky. Let’s get with the program.

***

Some little girl, a seventh grader who attends Sacred Heart Catholic Academy in someplace called Shawano, WI, got suspended from a basketball team for one game because she said something to a teammate in her native language.

Native American Languages being discouraged, what a shame!! | Ola Ka ‘Olelo:

Seventh grader Miranda Washinawatok, Menominee

The coach suspended her because he didn’t understand the language and thought the girl might be saying something vulgar.

She was actually teaching a classmate how to say “I love you” in Menominee, the native language of a local Indian tribe.

Well, here’s something the little girl might want to say to her coach the next time he butts in: “Vaffanculo, stronzo.”*

That phrase comes from the native language of my forebears. However, repeating it would probably get the girl suspended for at least two games.

*This is a vulgar expression so you won’t want to look it up in Google Translate, Italian to English.

***

Some Fox Newser, I believe it was the entertainer named Sean Hannity, said that Obama never wanted to get Osama bin Laden.

According to information received by UPW Senior Reporter Marcy Popindick from an informant who spoke under conditions of anonymity, the CIA new of bin Laden’s whereabouts for a number of years and often delivered pizza to the address where bin Laden resided.

English: The compound where Osama bin Laden wa...

Image via Wikipedia

Hello, thank you for calling Godfather’s. That’s two large with peppers and onion and one with anchovy. And the name. Been Ladin. That’ll be about twenty minutes.”

However, due to a misspelling of the name, the CIA could not be certain that the address they delivered pizza to was the residence of the bin Laden. Ya know, like, the one who was responsible for, like, ya know, 9/11.

Bin Laden was finally identified after he got pissed off and complained about the CIA fucking up another one of his pizza orders.

That’s supposed to be one with onions, one with peppers and one with anchovy. Can’t you assholes get anything right. And stop spelling my name wrong. That’s bin Laden: b-i-n L-a-d-e-n.”

Golly, gee,” a CIA agent reported to the White House. “We think this might be the guy.”

According to the spokesman, the White House had long ago stopped ordering pizza from the CIA front shop in DC because they couldn’t tell a sausage from a pepperoni. However, orders did go out to send in helicopters and a Navy seal team to the address in Pakistan reported by the agency. It was on that night the administration assassinated bin Laden who it is believed was suffering from severe indigestion from consuming too much pizza.

***

The Obama administration reportedly required institutions operated by the Catholic church, other than the churches themselves, to provide free access through health insurance policies to birth control methods to employees of those institutions. The church hierarchy objected to the new rules claiming that they violated church doctrine prohibiting the use of birth control to prevent pregnancy.

As usual, the president folded under the threat of controversy and tried to work out a compromise. Under the new guidelines, the Catholic institutions themselves would not be required to provide access to birth control. However, the health insurance company that covers other heath conditions for these institutions would provide birth control free of charge to employees who use them.

Free of charge?” From a health insurance company? You gotta be kidding. It isn’t clear yet how the costs would be paid. What is clear is that someone’s paying for this. So the cost will undoubtedly be tied into the premiums paid by these Catholic institutions. They just wouldn’t be paid directly. A 21st century solution to a 12th century problem??? Go figure.

***

There has always been the fear that cutting doctor and hospital fees would force the medical profession to refuse to give care to seniors. However, given an aging population ever more dependent on Medicare, the medical profession has no where else to go. The options for doctors: Accept Medicare or sell used cars.

As good as medical care is in this country, the nation has reached the point where it can no longer afford to pay for it for the majority of its citizens.

Cut costs in half and put them in line with the costs of other advanced nations and the problems with medical care and the projected deficit go away.

The read danger to this country is the profitization of senior medical care for the benefit of Wall Street as proposed by the Ryan plan.

Caricature of Rick Santorum by DonkeyHotey.  As always click the photo for the link.

January 7, 2012

Nobella Committee Announces Award

Pasta Fagioli, Italy. Jan. 07, 2012

The Nobella Prize Committee Selects Rick Santorum As Winner of the MVP Award.

, U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania.

Former senator Rick Santorum. Image via Wikipedia

The Nobella Prize Committee today awarded its MVP prize to former Pennsylvania senator and current Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum for his work in Economics.

Mr. Santorum’s discovery that gay marriage is the cause of the Great Republican Recession won plaudits from right wing economists across the globe.

The former senator’s study faulting the breakdown of the family and a decline in moral values on what he referred to as “this whole redefintion of marriage”

Santorum blamed gay marriage for the moral failings of both Wall Street and Main Street and stated that this failure causes recessions. The committee inferred from Mr. Santorum’s findings that all we need to do is end gay marriage and kids will stop engaging in sexual relations after school (or at least say a prayer before they get laid), everybody will be blessed with morality by the Holy Spirit and we’ll all get rich.

The members of the committee stated that the strides made by Santorum’s findings will advance the knowledge of the counterfeit science and aid economists in predicting future recessions.  

The committee noted that economists have been wrong about predicting six out of the last five recessions.

.

Winners of The Most Valuable Putz Award receive a certificate acknowledging the award as well as a forged autographed copy of a photo of Don Alberto Vito Nobella, the originator of the prize. .

These exceptional individuals also receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is sculpted of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winner supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom reporting from Pasta Fagioli, Italy. UPW: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

Pasta e fagioli soup

Pasta E Fagioli. Image via Wikipedia