Lobby Holds Victory Press Conference.
At a news conference today, Mr. Hobby Lobby, personhood of the famous hobby chain, expressed his delight at the Supreme Court’s anti-birth control decision. Mr. Lobby stated that although he has never found a need for the product himself, his Roman Catholic religion forbids its use.
Under the Affordable Care Act, Mr. Lobby continued, he would be complicit in committing a mortal sin by providing a forbidden product to employees of his corporation.
One of Mr. Lobby’s many hobby stores.
Mr. Lobby also expressed his gratitude to five of the Catholics on the Court who voted their religion and handed down the favorable decision. He was also grateful to the Court for reaffirming his personhood even though he is a corporation.
Asked by a reporter if he was a Catholic in good standing with his Church, Mr. Lobby replied that he doesn’t attend Mass regularly and considers himself a typical religious outlier. In fact, he said, he has never attended Mass even once in his entire personhood.
Nor has he ever gone to confession, received Holy Communion or reaffirmed his faith through the sacrament of Confirmation.
To the astonishment of all who were present at the news conference, Mr. Lobby stated that he had never even been baptized and as a result his immortal soul lies on the precipice of eternal damnation along with the souls of other personhoods regardless of religious affiliation.
He then appealed to Pope Francis to institute a special sacrament of Baptism to remove the stain of original sin from the souls of all personhoods in order to prevent their suffering eternally in the everlasting fires of Hell.
Mr. Lobby also said he hoped the prejudice that exists against Catholics would be relieved by the Court’s decision since many religious groups concur in the opinion. As an example of the extreme bias that Catholics suffer, he pointed to the membership of the Supreme Court itself. Only six of the nine members of the bench are Catholic, a serious condition that must be quickly addressed, according to Mr. Lobby. He then called upon President Barack Obama to appoint more right wing members of the Church of Rome to the High Court.
Concluding the news conference, Mr. Lobby said he would now require his unmarried female employees to refrain from engaging in the mortal sin of premarital sexual relations. And if any unmarried woman showed up for work pregnant, he would fire her for violating the precepts of his faith. After all, why should a personhood have to pay for health insurance for pregnancy and out of wedlock childbirth that violated his religious beliefs.
Samuel Alito, author of the most recent of the Supreme Court’s nefarious decisions and part of the vast right wing conspiracy marching in lockstep against the American people.
Shortcomings Of the Court.
It’s becoming increasingly clear that certain members of the Court should seek legal advice before rendering an opinion.
King of the Court John Roberts.
Founding Chicken Hawk.
Ever heard of Thomas Jefferson. No not the TJ who authored the Declaration of Independence.
I’m referring to the other one, the chicken shit Thomas Jefferson, who as governor of Virginia during the Revolutionary War, hopped a horse and skedaddled out of Richmond as fast as his lily livered ass could move.
Why? Well, the British were coming. That’s why. And I don’t mean a one-if-by-land-two-if-by-sea heroic warning kinda ride.
No, this TJ shrank in fear of shedding a drop of his aristocratic blue blood for his country and hightailed it for parts unknown at the first sight of a Redcoat.
Thomas Jefferson, a president with a reputation firmly entrenched in US founding mythology.
And that was just the first time. Jefferson, who became president of the fledgling country in 1801, bailed out in a time of crisis. He was, in fact, a repeat chicken shit. When a British cavalry unit approached Monticello, Jefferson abandoned his plantation and the 14 year old slave girls he frequently raped, to seek safer confines.
We can all remain sick in the knowledge that TJ’s cowardly legacy has been handed down to his successors in office, both the presidency and vice presidency.
To wit, one Richard Bruce Cheney, warrior extraordinaire, who during the Vietnam War became a five time deferment chicken shit and who later in life heroically launched wars for bogus reasons and gloried in shedding the blood of others on the battlefield.
And let us also not forget to heap scorn upon George W. Bush, who used family connections to avoid the draft and grab a cushy spot in the Air National Guard where he bravely defended the semi-great state of Texas from Viet Cong aerial assaults.
No one can accuse either of those two chicken hawks of serving in the same manner as fellow Republican Teddy Roosevelt who courageously led a charge up San Juan Hill during yet another bogus US war.
As for the accomplishments of statutory rapist Jefferson, he did purchase the Louisiana Territory from one of history’s bloodiest monsters, the excessively admired Napoleon Bonaparte, and eventually became one of the heroes of American founding mythology.
Limerick Lunacy.A fellow who rented a suite From a gal who was cloyingly sweet Then made a fast pass Got a boot in the ass And hit the concrete on Main Street. . A gal who was cloyingly sweet Sent a titillatingly fiery tweet. It said “I am ready” “To go hot and steady.” “And I promise I won’t tear the sheet.” . A man in a mood for a sweet Affair with a woman discreet. Didn’t care ’twas quick As long as the chick Didn’t squeal and tell all in a tweet.