Anything For A Buck. Or Billion.
Moscow 20 Mar 2014.
A report from the Kremlin today claims that Vladimir Putin offered to cede Crimea to ExxonMobil in exchange for a five year appointment as CEO of the giant global oil and gas conglomerate.
A spokesperson for the Soviet premier, as Putin prefers to be addressed in private, said if the Russian president can swing this deal, he would be set for life.
Russian President Vlad Putin is all smiles, really liking what he’s hearing.(attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)
Being president of the former Soviet republic pays peanuts, according to the statement.
In a related report, ousted Ukrainian President Victor Yanokovich purportedly said he would support the pact if Putin proferred a piece of the pie.
A Kremlin staff member, who spoke under conditions of strict anonymity, said that the former Ukrainian president offered to kick in a portion of eastern Ukraine if Putin would sweeten the deal a little.
Observers believe Putin would have to offer a significant piece of the action if he hoped to gain the support of Yanokovich.
Staff members of the two leaders have arranged an urgent meeting in an attempt to hammer out an agreement that would satisfy both parties.
The Geniuses Fumble.
NSA Headquarters, Fort Meade, Md. 20 March 2014.
UPW press is reporting that a young girl, who would identify herself only as Alice, claims to know the whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Flight 390.
Analysts from the NTSB referred the claim to the FAA which immediately turned it over to the NSA whose agents are said to be gathering with CIA operatives in a hastily called meeting to evaluate the girl’s assertion.
However, a spokesman for the NSA revealed that the location of the lost Boeing 777, given by the girl as Wonderland, does not appear on any of the agency’s GPS devices.
The spokesman continued that NSA scientists would not rule out the possibility that the plane might have landed at a heretofore undiscovered region of the globe, one that is not programmed into GPS satellites. NSA experts are at this very moment in a meeting with CIA agents who are analyzing personal data hastily collected about the girl known only as Alice.
NSA scientists are cooperating with military authorities who are redirecting satellite emissions to the area where Wonderland is believed to be located.
Authorities admit however that they are still stumped about the whereabouts of the missing plane.
NSA headquarters. Think they’re not serious about their stuff.
A Slave Is A Slave. Even in AZ.
Some guy named Jim Brown, whose a candidate for Congress from Arizona, said slavery wasn’t so bad.
In fact, he even likes it.
Brown is a slave to payola from guys who are richer than he is and as long as the candidate continues to suck up to rich folks he stands a chance to win the primary election and maybe go to Congress where he can suck up some more.
And get some more money.
And all he has to do is vote the way he’s told to and his owners will take good care of him.
See, being a slave ain’t so bad.
According to reports from the Brown camp, being an asshole ain’t bad either. And the candidate likes that even better. ‘Cause if you’re a Republican, that’s about the only way you can win an election these days.
Look for Brown to nose his way into Congress come November.
Not to worry. He’s already apologized. Now that everybody knows where he stands. (Jim Brown Facebook via The Root).
Cruelest Sanctions Imposed.
In keeping with President Barack Obama’s imposition of sanctions on Russia, Secretary of State John Kerry announced today that the US has halted all shipments of M&Ms to the former Soviet bloc nation.
In a top secret meeting, CIA agents revealed to Obama that M&Ms are the Russian presidents favorite candy.
The agents reported that Putin’s craving for the coated chocolate confection that melts in your mouth and not in your hands has reached addiction levels.
According to reports emanating from the Kremlin, Putin raged to his staff for hours over the cruel imposition of the candy ban.
An anonymous White House source revealed the details of an emergency phone conversation between Putin and Obama during which the Russian chief of state threatened “serious consequences” if Obama persisted in his banning of the Mars product.
The Russian chief also stated that negotiations would be ruled out under the conditions imposed by the US and that only by removing the candy ban can talks ever take place.
Obama seemed to relent by offering to permit the chocolate coated peanut variety to slip through the sanctions but Putin could not be mollified.
According to NSA intercepts of conversations between Putin and his wife, he hates the peanut kind because they stick in his teeth.
Vladimir Putin suffering from a painful peanut particle stuck in his gums. (attribution http://www.kremlin.ru.)
As of late this afternoon, the two sides have failed to reach an accord.
More Trouble For Christie.
As NJ Gov. Chris Christie becomes more deeply imbroiled in the trafficgate affair, staff members are concocting stories in hopes of finding just the right one that voters can believe in.
Here are some of the suggestions from Christie’s staff.
never heard of the GWB.
thought Fort Lee was an army installation located on the US-Canadian border.
thought George W. Bush got stuck in a traffic jam and laughed his ass off.
believed Fort Lee was an French colonial base attacked by the Mohicans in 1753.
At last report, the governor is considering all suggestions.
Border Changes In 1000 Years. See Animation.