BIRTH OF PRIZE FOUNDER NOTED

Grandsons Commemorate the Birth of the Founder of the Nobella Prize.

Aggitato, Sicily.

Don Alfredo Vito Nobella, the originator of the Nobella Pizza Prize, was born on this day in 1876. His grandsons noted the date by presenting the small Sicilian town of his birth with a commemorative statute sculpted in white marble. The town square, where the statue was unveiled, was filled with joyous townspeople celebrating the festive occasion. Speakers at the event praised the Don for establishing two awards now known as the Schmuckup Prize and the Putzie.

The Basilica of San Sebastian is the church where Don Vito was baptized. A devout Catholic, the Don often called upon San Sebastian – known as the protector saint because he was said to have the power to safeguard the faithful against the black plague – to protect clients who purchased an insurance policy. In the early days, the Don referred to his enterprise as The San Sebastian Protection Company. 

During the celebration, it was noted that in addition to establishing two of the world’s most respected prizes, Mr. Nobella was also the founder of the largest insurance organization in Sicily.

After the Italian government deregulated the insurance industry in the late nineteenth century Mr. Nobella, known to friends and close associates as Don Vito, began a program that revolutionized the buying and selling of insurance. Deregulation allowed for the creation of new ways to package insurance and Don Vito led the way in establishing innovative means to sell these ingenious contracts.

One of the Don’s most noteworthy innovations was a life insurance policy whereby clients who paid their premiums got to live a little longer.

Another breakthrough credited to the Don was the creation of after-life insurance. Since an after-life policy was effective posthumously and passage into heaven was guaranteed this type of policy was wildly popular among Italian widows who purchased policies for their deceased husbands as well as for themselves.

He then branched into property insurance – another innovation that rapidly gained in popularity. With such a policy, property was deemed safe from random hazards and it too was guaranteed.

Mr. Nobella’s insurance organization grew rapidly through the early decades of the twentieth century as the company’s unpublicized slogan – you buy or you’re never heard from again – became well known among customers and prospective clients alike. And because premiums were reasonable Mr. Nobella was treated with respect and it was said of Don Vito that he always made you an offer you can’t refuse.

Mr. Nobella was a very good salesman.

From the UPW Newsroom:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news around the world.

FIRST GROUP PUTZIE AWARDED

The Nobella Prize Committee issued its first collective Putzie in the history of the award. The MVP prize was given to American CEOs and senior executives who greedily enriched themselves and their wealthy stockholders by introducing innovation into the marketplace and discovering new methods to generate historic levels of profit for themselves and a handful of wealthy investors.

Today’s executive is a throwback to a previous era when the Barons of yesteryear cruelly exploited men, women and children in a quest to achieve personal enrichment without regard to human suffering – a quality the Committee applauds by awarding the Pubar to the modern stalwarts of the capitalist juggernaut.

UPW reporter Marcy Popindick was on the scene in Pasta Fagioli, Italy when the Prize Committee issued this statement: “We hear from conservatives, libertarians and disciples of Ayn Rand that private enterprise would be far more efficient at running just about every government program including Social Security, Medicare, the Postal Service, the War-Making Department, regulatory agencies and all other endeavors in which government is now involved.

“CEOs, senior executives and other leaders from the business community possess the talent to raise the standard of government efficiency to levels that can only be achieved in private industry. Therefore, we must agree that government would benefit from privatization accompanied by competition in a free market.”

The Committee compiled a list – noting that it was the very briefest of lists – of companies from whose experience government might indeed benefit. The talented executives associated with these businesses would bring the valuable skills they learned operating a venture in a competitive marketplace with them and apply those skills to inefficient and wasteful government programs.

A partial listing of the companies singled out by the Committee is noted below:

• Enron
• World Com
• Washington Mutual
• Wachovia
• Countrywide Mortgage
• Bear Stearns
• Lehman Brothers
• Merrill Lynch
• Adelphia
• Arthur Andersen
• Global Crossing

That’s a list of some of the really big ones, Ms. Popindick noted in her report  Here’s another list of smaller companies that have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection or Chapter 7 liquidation:

• Ryan’s Family Steakhouse
• Fortunoff’s
• Goody’s
• Whitehall Jewelers
• Circuit City
• Bi-Lo
• Winn-Dixie

Now here is a list of businesses that have closed at least 300 stores in just 2009 alone:

• General Motors 2639
• Blockbuster 960
• Chrysler 789
• Circuit City 567
• KB Toys 461
• Movie Gallery (Hollywood Video) 450
• Ritz Camera 365

Many of the executives who managed these companies are available for immediate hire. A common denominator among them is that they achieved enormous wealth personally enriching themselves by bringing their companies to the very pinnacle of success – before they all flamed out like a hydrogen filled blimp.

There’s no reason these executives could not bring the same level of success to government programs.

Multimillion dollar salaries plus bonuses are required. Executives selected as CEOs will expect to appoint boards of directors of their choosing and government funding is mandatory.

In return for taxpayer assistance selected CEOs will agree to replace flesh on the bones of the middle class they have been picking clean for the last thirty years.

Former members of the middle class who voted to elect government officials at every level who supported the American capitalist model that seeks to pick clean the bones of the working class in order to enrich the lucky few.

The Committee also began compiling a list of companies whose CEOs had gained untold riches by exploiting young workers in Asian countries. But the list of these wage slavers was so long the members gave up in utter frustration and decided to offer awards at a later date.

Winners of the Most Valuable Putz award receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie the statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the current winners supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

SANTORUM RECEIVES PUTZIE

Former Senator Rick Santorum was awarded the Putzie for Honesty by the Nobella Pizza Prize Committee.

Rick Santorum’s former place of employment

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum received the coveted Most Valuable Putz award in Honesty today. In a statement issued from its hideout in Pasta Fagioli, Italy the Nobella Committee handed the prize to the former senator for his admission that he made a mistake when he voted for former President George W. Bush’s Medicare Prescription Plan. Although the plan, known as Part D, helps seniors finance their prescription costs without having to take out a bank loan, it has contributed billions of dollars to the US Government deficit and it will continue to add more billions each year it is in effect.

Santorum said that is bad for the economy even though Wall Street pharmaceutical companies stand to rake in billions upon billions of dollars as far into the future as the eye can see.

Even though the former senator was silent on the amount of money the drug industry and its lobbyists lavished on his abortive senatorial campaign, the Nobella Committee nevertheless decided to award the prize to the presidential hopeful on the theory that one honest statement a decade from a Washington politician deserves an award.

Rick Santorum’s possible future place of employment. God help us all.

And so along with the Nobella Committee we send our heartiest congratulations to Rick “man on dog” Santorum.

Winners of the Most Valuable Putz Award receive the world renowned Pubar statuette engraved with the words “Putzed up beyond all reason.. The statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Pubar, also known as the Putzie, is given to winners while supplies last and unfortunately for Mr.Santorum, supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

WAR SENATORS APPEAR ON TALK SHOW

The Three Bombardiers of the Apocalypse appeared on File A Report Today. They agree that war with Libya may be inevitable.

Sens. McCain and Graham trying to do what they do best: Start a war somewhere. Sen Lieberman was unable to appear at this event due to a bowel disorder he contracted when he lunched at Moustafa’s New York Style Pizza Establishment in Baghdad.

On his Sunday talk show File A Report Today starring Biff Bluster, the host interviewed the Three Bombardiers from the land of the warmongers, none other than Washington, DC. The three warmongers in question were John “Bomb Iran” McCain, Lindsey “I Love a Drone” Graham and Joe “Send a Bullet to Gaddifi” Lieberman.

Bluster’s first question was directed at McCain.

“What are the dangers for the United States if we do not enter the war more forcefully in Libya?”

“Well, that’s obvious, Biff. Al Qaeda would rise up from the ashes and threaten the lives of every man, woman and child in American.”

Biff’s then turned to Graham.

“What is your feeling about Obama’s unwillingness to start another really big war in Libya?”

“I see a pale horse and his rider’s name is death. And he is followed by another horse whose rider’s name is hell. And their mission is to kill with war and famine and disease.” Lindsey knew his answer would appeal to the Christian fundamentalists who populate his state from the mountains to the shining sea. “We’re heading for the Apocalypse if we don’t free Libya even if it takes ten years. We need to ignore the rest of the world just like our glorious leader President Bush did and drone the living bejesus out of Gaddifi.”

Lieberman interrupted with “death is the wages of sin. A judge must be sent to save us from our folly. So maybe it’s Donald Trump. Who knows? It’s sure not Obama. And I’m not convinced about his birth certificate. And maybe he’s a closet Muslim after all.”

“Didn’t Obama support you during your last election campaign?  Senator Lieberman.”

“Yeah, so what.”

“Well, don’t you owe him a favor. You know, you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours. Isn’t that the way Washington works?”

“I did Obama a favor when I voted against the public option, just like he told me. And that’s the last thing I do for him.”

And that’s our show for today, the show that invites Washington big shots to File A Report Today to the American people.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

RATING AGENCY DEFIES OBAMA

World’s Largest Credit Rating Agency Thumbs Nose at Obama and Taxpayers.

Douche & Bagge is one of the largest commercial real estate holding companies in the United States.

The world’s largest credit rating agency today issued a cautionary note about investment in US Treasuries. The report by agents of Douche & Bagge Credit expressed strong doubts about the ability of the parties involved to negotiate a budget plan and reach an agreement to raise the debt ceiling before the budget deadline arrives. Failure to reach an agreement could have far reaching effects on the ability of the US Government to meet its debt obligations.

The warning by DBC sparked turmoil in financial capitals throughout the world. The report also stated that DBC agents are studying the possibility of lowering the credit rating of US bonds to AAB, a move that could have a devastating effect of the ability of the government to borrow additional funds.

DBC CEO Martin F. Anderson, known affectionately among company employees as MFA, warned that his agency is losing patience with Democrats who refuse to take the bold step to destroy Social Security and Medicare as a means of saving the US Government from bankruptcy.

In a secret memo to employees, obtained by UPW from an anonymous source, MFA required executives to contribute to the Republican Party campaign election fund and recommended they join the GOP at the first opportunity. Executives were given one month to change party registration if necessary.  The Republican Party was viewed as the only means by which the nation could be saved from financial default and moral depravity.

In addition to being a credit rating agency, Douche & Bagge also operates a mortgage insurance company, three multi billion dollar hedge funds and the sixth largest banking institution in the country with branches across the nation.

Douche & Bagge was the recipient of $180 billion dollars in TARP funds from the Obama Administration which it refuses to pay back. Mr. Anderson stated that his institution is a valuable resource to the nation that earned the bailout funds due to its presence in numerous markets throughout the country and, in view of the many services it provides to the economy, to return the funds would not only place an undue burden upon the company and its stockholders but would be an insult to both.

For his persistence in opposing the return of bailout funds, Mr. Anderson received an extra $5,000,000 bonus in addition to his original compensation package totaling $18,000,000.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

SUNDAY SHOW FEIGNS REALITY

UPW Reporter Reveals Sunday Talk Show Hypocrisy.

While appearing on the WNN Sunday talk show File A Report Today with Biff Bluster, UPW reporter Marcy Popindick overheard a revealing conversation between Biff, the star of the show, and his mother who was in attendance in the studio.

Ms. Popindick reports that Mrs. Bluster scolded her son for his lackluster performance on the program. Popindick’s notes follow and unmask the hypocritical nature of Sunday morning talkies.

Biff Bluster’s early years. He can be seen in the background. He claims it was Halloween and he dressed for the occasion. Shortly after the photo was taken Biff missed a twirl and shoved a baton straight up his ass. His distinctive high pitched voice soon landed him a job at WNN. (Photo courtesy of Pilar).

Biffy, his mother reportedly said, you were awful today, just awful. You asked all the wrong questions and you didn’t get the right answers. The whole show was silly, Biffy. You gotta do better, Biffy or they’ll let you go and get somebody in your place.

Momma, he said, I make two million dollars a year doing this schtick. Everybody loves me.

You gotta ask better questions, Biffy. Much better questions.

Momma, if I asked real questions nobody would ever come on the show. I’d lose all of my government connections. My sources would dry up. I just play along and get rich. You know, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

Biffy, the show is a flop. You get government bigwigs to come on and you lob easy questions and they don’t even give a straight answer. Everybody farts around.

Momma, this is what the show is all about. Politicians use us as a platform, we’re a forum. Everybody knows and nobody cares and I get rich. What’s the big deal.

Biffy, I’m your mother. I know what’s best for you. You get tough with these people and the whole country would love you. Trust your mother, Biffy, they’ll love you and the big shots won’t be able to get rid of you and you’ll make four million dollars.

Momma, if I ever did a real show they’d fire me in a heart beat and I couldn’t get a job kissing Packer ass in Green Bay.

From the UPW Newsroom:  Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

PUTZIE WINNER ANNOUNCED

Nobella Prize Committee Awards Putzie to Democratic Senator.

Sen. Mark Warner of Virginia, most recent winner of the Putzie and member of the Senate’s infamous “gang of six”, forgot to comb his hair. Nice tie though.

Sen. Mark Warner, the extreme right wing Democratic centrist, has been tagged the winner of the Most Valuable Putz Award,

Today marks the first time Warner has been awarded the prize and he earned it by showing surpassing persistence and fortitude in pursuit of the destruction of Social Security despite overwhelming evidence that completely invalidates his position on the issue. Warner brings to his case to reduce Social Security benefits and thereby open the floodgates to revamping the program into an unrecognizable form – a bucket load of misinformation and inaccuracies that unveil a total misunderstanding and profound lack of knowledge of the subject.

Warner bases his case on the stat that there are now only three working individuals to support each retiree. In just a few years, he states, there will be only two to support each retired person whereas in 1950 the ratio was 16:1.

And there he stops. If he had exhibited enough smarts to continue the comparison he would have realized that in 1955 the ration declined even further to 8:1. And by 1975 it was approximately where it is today. That’s because as more people retire there are fewer people working. Hmmm. A no brainer.

Another statistic that the Senator is either ignorant of or chooses to ignore to close his argument is that in 1940 the ratio was 149:1. Nobody in his right mind would ever have believed that such a ratio would be sustained and the decline was built into the SS plan.

Fortunately, for Senator Warner, you don’t have to be in your right mind to win the Putzie.

So the Nobella Committee sends its unanimous congratulations to the Senator from Virginia.

Winners of the MVP award receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie for short the statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for the senator supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

WNN SUNDAY SHOW FOLLIES

UPW Reporter Appears On Network Show.

Transcribes Q&A for Followers.

Bullitt Industries furmishes munitions to all three services.

UPW National Reporter Marcy Popindick appeared on WNN’s Sunday talk show and was rudely interrupted by host Biff Bluster after she asked pointed questions which the guest refused to answer.

Facing the nation this week to discuss the state of the union was William D. Bullitt who made his first appearance on WNN’s weekly news roundup File A Report Today. The show stars the network’s top news entertainer and multimillionaire Biff Bluster.

This week’s guest is Assistant Second Secretary of Defense for Munitions. He agreed to meet the press and to answer questions posed to him by the host, Ms. Popindick and WNN economic analyst and multimillionaire Aly Shady.

Mr. Bullitt, who is himself a multimillionaire, is heir to the Bullitt family munitions and investment fund fortunes.

Ms. Popindick asked the Assistant Second Secretary for Munitions if his position represented a conflict of interest considering his family was heavily invested in the munitions industry and he and his family stood to profit enormously from decisions he might make regarding the procurement of all types of ammunition for the three branches of the Armed Forces.

Absolutely not. In no way does any decision I make regarding procurement represent a conflict of interest.

Ms. Popindick followded up with another question: Does the fact that eighty per cent of all contracts for bullets, bombs, rockets and cannon shells were awarded to Bullitt family businesses give an appearance of wrong doing?

Mr. Bullitt replied that he was not influenced in any way by family investments. That, he said, would be unethical.

Mr. Bluster than thanked the Assistant Second Secretary for his generous answer and moved on to another topic.

From Mr. Shady: Your family is reported to be heavily invested in other facets of defense logistics such as transportation, packaged foods, meals and fuel supply. If you felt a conflict of interest arose in any decision would you be inclined to recuse yourself?

Mr. Bullitt replied that if he felt there was a conflict of interest he would certainly recuse himself. But he insisted that there was no conflict.

Mr. Bluster interrupted with: Let’s move on to another subject.

You recently proposed a voucher system for veterans’ medical benefits to help them buy private health insurance. Would a veteran going into combat be able to obtain private health insurance? Ms. Popindick asked the guest.

We believe that in a free market a veteran going into combat would indeed be able to obtain adequate medical coverage. Competition in a private market is the answer to the problem of exploding medical expenses now born by the government.

It is my understanding that your family is also heavily invested in the profit health insurance industry. Does your position on privatizing veterans health care represent yet another conflict of interest?

Absolutely not, he replied.

Mr. Bluster suggested they move on to another topic.

A life insurance company owned by your family refused to pay the benefits owed by the policies your company issued to the families of fallen servicemen and women. The policies contained a fine print clause that the insurance company was entitled to invest the proceeds from the policy and families of deceased were denied the benefit. It that ethical?

We try to give grieving families of our brave fallen heroes every opportunity to invest in the American dream. That is our only purpose.

Mr. Bluster then ended the interview by thanking the Assistant Second Secretary for appearing on WNN’s show – the show that gives people in the news an opportunity to File A Report Today before the entire nation.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

NEW TAX LAW ROILS MARKETS

Obama Defies Congress and Wins in Showdown.

President Barack Obama signed into law today a bill passed by Congress that would tax US corporations at a rate of 10%. The new rate represents the lowest in the Western world but the impact of the law has roiled markets across the entire financial landscape.

Wall Street forced to pay fair share of taxes. Bankers panic.

The new legislation would levy the tax on gross profits and eliminate all corporate deductions for expenses.

President Obama was expected to veto the act in exchange for a promise of campaign cash needed to finance the 2012 race which is expected to cost candidates upwards of one billion dollars each.

Congress however called the president’s veto bluff and forced his hand. Corporations will now be compelled to pay their fair share of the US tax burden.

Also incorporated into the law is a five per cent a year reduction in the defense budget for five years and an immediate cessation of hostilities in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The president then announced a break in diplomatic relations with all countries that provide tax havens to any corporations doing business in the United States or its territories. All travel between the US, the Cayman Islands and Bermuda has been terminated effective immediately. All airline schedules have been canceled and planes scheduled to take off for those destinations have been grounded.

Electronic communications between the US and these countries have been disrupted by the NSA and financial transactions halted. Assets have been frozen and transfers of funds prohibited.

Obama issued an ultimatum to other countries that provide havens for US corporations to desist immediately or similar actions would be instituted against them within twenty four hours.

The law also levies a tiny fee on all financial transactions and the president invited the governments of other countries to take similar actions and declared that any government that attempts to interfere with the policies enacted under the new law would face appropriate retaliation.

Reports from stock markets were streaming into newsrooms across the globe. Reactions ranged from frantic to outright panic and news organizations are reporting major outbreaks of severe illnesses in all financial capitals.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City declared an emergency and ordered pharmacies across the five boroughs to begin immediate deliveries of smelling salts to Wall Street.

Bankers, CEOs and stock brokers were reportedly falling over into a dead faint. Tremors from the collapsing bodies in the financial district could be felt as far away as Hoboken, NJ. Many executives were observed in a state of catatonic shock. Emergency vehicles and Medevac helicopters were ordered to the scene. ER rooms in hospitals throughout the city were reporting throngs of high level executives in various states of distress filling facilities to overflowing and stretching capacities to the breaking point. Emergency rooms as far away as Bayonne and Hackensack, NJ were alerted and preparing to receive stricken executives.

Hospitals in cities across the United States were reporting a similar influx of frantic executives suffering from a set of symptoms ranging from serious to severe. The symptoms afflicting the patients included dizziness, difficulty breathing and chest pains. Some were reporting a severe burning sensation in the pit of the stomach.

On a positive note, Obama said the new law should eliminate the deficit in a week or two.

From the UPW Newsroom. Reporters filing this story logged it under the category Unmitigated Bullshit.

Unreliable Press Worldwide: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news across the globe.

DIRTY PICTURES

CELEBRATING HOMOSEXUALITY.

Actually homosexuality is really nothing to celebrate – anymore than bisexuality or heterosexuality. You are what you are and that’s about it. So why celebrate.

But in the past, some artists and their patrons were titillated by ladies in various forms of embrace.

Two such works are noted in this post and modern connoisseurs consider the pieces to be among the finest of the many works of art of the same subject on display in museums throughout the world. 

The Sleep by Gustave Courbet 1866.

This work was commissioned by a Turkish diplomat and was intended for his private collection. The motif is obvious and it is thought that this and other suggestive Courbet paintings were responsible for his reputation for moral depravity.

Athough the ladies appear to be sleeping, some art critics have suggested they are engaged in a romantic embrace and enjoying foreplay.

And just in case you didn’t notice, the detail on the vase in the background is spectacular.    

The subject matter is once again obvious – lesbian foreplay. The ladies are sisters enjoying a bath and presumably other delights. The model on the right is thought to be the Lady Gabrielle d’Estreese, a mistress of King Henry IV of France. The artist is anonymous.

OK. Enough dirty pictures for one day. 

(You can double click the images to see a larger view).

SENATOR WINS SECOND PRIZE

Senator Jon Kyl wins award for Propaganda.

Becomes rare human being to be awarded two prizes by the Nobella Committee.

Sen. Kyl doing what he does best. Nobody knows what that is yet.

Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ), who at the age of 69 still spells his first name wrong, was awarded the Putzie by the Nobella Prize Committee.

The senator won the Most Valuable Putz (MVP) award after making a statement on the Senate floor that was deliberately intended to spread drivel, balderdash and unmitigated propaganda about Planned Parenthood.

Along with the Putzie document, members of the Nobella Committee issued a written statement that they unanimously agreed that Kyl was engaging in propaganda because nobody could possibly be so stupid as to believe that abortions represent “90% of what Planned Parenthood does”

Sometime later the senator amended his words by saying his “remark was not intended to be a factual statement.”

The senator also announced that he would be giving anal exams in the men’s room at Raul’s Kosher Grill and Massage Emporium in Washington, DC. Check your local paper for times and dates. A spokesman for the senator stated however that the “remark was not intended to be a factual statement.”

The Arizona legislator has now been awarded two prizes by the Nobella Committee. On July 9, 2009, Kyl received the Scmuckup Prize for his amendment to the Senate Finance Committee’s health insurance bill that would eventually eliminate maternity coverage for pregnant women. The senator felt that health insurers and corporations should be permitted to charge higher premiums to women who got pregnant because pregnancy was not an illness but rather a choice and these women fell in the the same category as smokers who are in fact charged higher premiums. Nine Republicans voted for Kyl’s amendment but it was defeated when Democrats unanimously rejected it.

Winners of the MVP award receive a statuette named the Pubar engraved with the words “putzed up beyond all reason.” Known as the Putzie for short the statuette is made of rusted metal stolen from an auto junk yard. The Putzie is given while supplies last and unfortunately for Senator Kyl supplies just ran out.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

OBAMA SEEKING EMPLOYMENT???

President seeks to cover all bases after abandoning his base.

The $25,000,000 smile.

Very soon Barack Obama may be looking for a job in an economy with no jobs. He will need to update his resume and the new one should look something like this:

Goal: Eager to join the aristocracy.

Employment: President of the United States: Jan. 2009-Jan. 2013.

Accomplishments:

• Signed health insurance legislation that abandoned single payer and the public option.

• Continued prohibition of prescription drug importation and prevented Medicare from negotiating drug prices.

• Forced millions of Americans to buy health insurance increasing insurance company profits exponentially.

• Allowed Wall Street firms to continue to deal in CDOs to protect untold wealth accumulation.

• Protected too big to fail banks.

• Abandoned net neutrality allowing telecom profits to mushroom.

• Continued Bush tax cuts for billionaires.

• Raised the retirement age and reduced Social Security benefits thereby opening the door to radical changes such as privatization.

Salary Requirement: $25,000,000.

And why not $25 million. After all his policies earned Wall Street that much just about every hour. And let’s not forget he has two daughters who will someday be getting married and that can run into some bucks for a man in his position.

LIMPOLE SPURNED BY LOVER

Scorned lover thought to be source of private lovemaking tapes.

Former lover accuses Tush Limpole of crude and brutish treatment. He’s a caveman she remarked.

Wealthy right wing troglodyte and radio host Tush Limpole, broadcasting from the studio aboard his yacht, said today that President Barack Obama launched Campaign 2012 with his deficit speech on Wednesday afternoon.

UPW News has obtained an unedited tape and transcript of Limpole’s most recent broadcast. The information turned into UPW appears to be the work of a spurned female companion of the radio host.

According to the tape which began with a sharp criticism of the president, Limpole said, “The speech sounded like a dull, ordinary campaign speech intended solely to bring his leftie, socialist, communist supporters back into the fold.”

Also on the unedited tape however were sounds in the background that mimicked heavy embracing, caressing and deep kissing occasionally smothering the radio host and obscuring his voice. The kissing sounds are thought to be the result of intense romancing by the bevy of young beauties Limpole regularly fellowships with on his frequent trips to the Caribbean.

“Republicans know,” the tape continues after what appeared to be throaty groans of pleasure emanating from the host,”they know (inaudible) they know (inaudible) this president will cave. Oh yeah, just like that, just like that (inaudible). To get the Republicans to the table he will renounce half of (inaudible) half of what he offered immediately. And he’ll surrender half of what’s left after the negotiations begin.”

There is a long pause in the tape before it resumes. Shortly thereafter the copy obtained by UPW ends abruptly.

It is believed that the source of the tape is Limpole’s sometimes girlfriend and once thought to be intended bride, the Lady Margarita Dushanbe, the eighteen year old heiress to the Dushanbe oil family fortune.

Lady Dushanbe, however, could not be confirmed as the source and did not return our phone calls. She was however believed to have left the ship after she ordered a helicopter to Limpole’s vessel to return her to shore.

Dushanbe is known to have complained previously of Limpole’s distasteful habits, in particular his taking delight at blowing smoke from a foot long Cuban cigar into Dushanbe’s face. In the past she has also remarked that her little Tushie has turned into a royal fat ass.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.

PENIS MUSEUM-BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Yes, there is a penis museum. It’s referred to somewhat delicately as the Phallological Museum but it does exist and you will find it in the tiny Icelandic hamlet of Husavik.

And it’s open to visitors. Thus far exhibits have been limited to mammals and the museum just reported its first human specimen. It was removed from a 95 year old man who underwent the delicate surgical procedure.

The search for specimens is a task without end.

Oh, I forgot to mention. The man was dead and the organ was removed from his corpse which he donated to science.

The museum does, however, raise many questions. For example:

Is this like a Hall of Fame?

Is there an award for admission?

Can anyone be nominated?

Can you nominate yourself ?

Do you have to be dead to be admitted or is a photo sufficient?

If you took performance enhancing drugs would you be disqualified?

Why is admission only for males? Isn’t that discrimination? After all females do have analogous organs.

On the other hand, would it be phallologically incorrect to display female organs in a penis museum?

And why limit the display to mammals? Why not include dinosaurs? I’m talkin’ T-Rex and Brontosaurus types here.

OK, so you use a little imagination and make some. If a hip bone is this many centimeters and a thigh bone is that many centimeters, how long would a…. Oh, well, you get my drift.

From the UPW Newsroom: Surpassing the Mainstream Media in reporting worthlessly useless news worldwide.